Chapter 17
(Last Chapter)
It was almost three years since I last saw Rick. We never kept in
contact because I told myself not to revisit this bitter-sweet
chapter of my life. During the final time I saw him - we exchanged
each others phone and deleted our numbers away mutually and swear
never to commit to those digits into memories.
But every time when my mind started wandering restlessly and
explored the memories I had with Rick, an uncontrollable urge to
cry will seize me. I carried his Agnes B dog tag with me everyday
gradually, it became my amulet. I wore it with me every moment of
my life since then, even during bath time.
It was an impossible thing but the inability to tell him how much
he meant to me is utterly tormenting. There wasnt a time I could
say anything everything has been decided right from the
start.
I could only follow how the flow of this plot has been fixed for
me; there was no room for negotiation.
No prerogative for that.
Dad passed away from a heart attack. During his final moments, mum
was still with him.
I started viewing my mum from very different perspective. Her love
for dad was pretty much blinded and dumb, but at the very least, it
was very real. Real enough to stand by him and brave through thick
and thin.
It was only at his tomb, did mum revealed to story behind dads
degeneration.
Your dad wasnt like this
previously; he lost all his money in business when his friend in
China swindled him. Then when he was in great debts, I was
expecting you. Daddy suggested aborting the child as he felt that
it will burden the family, but my I didnt want to. We quarreled in
the living room and your brother overheard everything. Not knowing
the complete story, your brother grew hatred for your dad. Out of
desperation, to resolve this heavy debt, I ended up sleeping with
your dads friend
Mum couldnt continue anymore; her words with choking as she was
raining tears. Upon revelation, I felt the immerse stab of pain as
I shook my head in disbelief. Then, for the first time in my life,
we huddled and cry together as mother and daughter.
Dad went hysterical when he
found out; I dont blame him for venting his frustration and anger
on over these years. He probably thought that I was cheap and
stupid, thats why I will never leave him even if he abuse
me.
Why didnt you tell me beforehand?
Ivy
do you think that mum is cheap?
I did not know what to reply; I just shook my head profusely.
No matter what happens, you will
always be my mum
Over the years, I gradually realized that his appearance in my life
stirred a human revolution; I quit smoking, never fought again, cut
ties with my former gang mates and currently saving up for my
diploma. Boss has also promoted me to a store supervisor and has
also since raised my pay.
From an ah lian, I grew up
to be a lady. And whenever I recalled about my childish past, I
despised and hated those chapters of my life. I have always deemed
the period as before maturity
Or at least, that was how it
appeared to me so.
There was once when I flipped through the papers and I saw a news
article about Chanel being sent to jail. She was caught rioting
again, but this time, the tentacles of law have caught up with her.
At that moment, I truly felt blessed because albeit I had a havoc
past, fortunately, I didnt end like her.
If my past was a blemish; knowing Rick is probably the most
beautiful part of my blemish. Perhaps love can indeed transform
whats unloving about us and our life into something dazzling -
appearing like the only candlelight in midst of some engulfing,
horrifying darkness.
I know this theory for sure as he is the only memory worth keeping
during the bleakest moment of my life.
I reached for my amulet and smiled to myself and I know there is
more love than gratitude in my thoughts.
(The end)
* Names have been changed
to protect identity.
