Chapter
11
I ran.
I did not halt.
I did not speed.
I just ran and ran
almost into oblivion of my surrounding and
background. I whizzed passed countless of people and cars; bypass
several weird stares darting into my way and even almost myself
into an accident when a motorcycle precariously steered into my
path. Fortunately, the driver narrowly missed ramming me down, but
then again, even if he did, at that moment, it seriously doesnt
really matter. Or at least that was how I felt so.
I dont know why I was so overly affected by the dialogue with his
mum. Perhaps, her words did revealed certain subconscious self
doubts; though I did not agree with her views, yet at the same
time, I did not have the space to retort or defend myself. I stood
there helplessly and got sheared relentlessly by the truth of her
words, enlightening me about the very reality of our society. She
didnt say anything I didnt understood; in fact every nuance of
her sarcasm inevitably exposed a portion of my inferior complex,
leaving it vulnerable for any siege attack. Ricks mum managed to
personify every aspect of my unloving life into something so
ghastly negative in perception that I realized I cannot withstand
seeing a wretched person like myself being around the man I
adore.
It was like a street beggar claming that the king was once his best
friend utterly unimaginable.
She wasnt right, but ironically, she wasnt wrong as well.
Ouch!
One uncle bumped into me recklessly as he was frantically trying to
flag down the fleeting bus; I fell on my bump painfully.
Then I could see the bus driver glancing from the corner of his
eyes at him, but he spare little sympathy to stop for this man.
Checking the blind spot on his right, the bus driver switched lane
and drove away. The uncle gave me an unapologetic look at me, as if
I was the reason for his failure to board the bus and that itself
even out the accident.
Nobody bothered about me; I sat on the ground for almost one full
minute, watching several pairs of shoes, slippers and sandals
marched passed me. No help
no assistance
no nothing. People
probably thought I must be some kind of nutcase and typically
preferred to mind their own business.
It finally dawned to me that I can only learn to fend for myself in
this acrimonious world where status matters much more than anything
else, because nobody will give a damn about your plight if you are
just some peasant trying to survive in this world owned by elites
or people segmented as part of the upper tier in society.
Even love, which I once held its image so highly, has succumbed to
the twisted yardstick of our society.
Or perhaps, I had finally grown up.
And I thought I could love
him?
What a bizarre thought,
I said to myself as I recalled my unworthy affection, before
getting up.
I saw the uncle lighting up a cigarette and puffing away. Suddenly,
I had the urge to smoke as well - this is especially so whenever I
experienced a drastic change in mood. Emotional stress never fails
to remind me about my cigarette break, but before I reached for my
box of comfort, I saw the same uncle, slipping his left hands in
his pocket and fidgeting the content. Drawing out and opening his
palm, a deep furrow lined his temple as he examined the coins he
retrieved from his pocket. Then his right index finger went over
each individual coins, with his lips silently counting them, as if
he was making sure that the amount is correct.
I realized I saw a mirror image of myself in that scene - whenever
a pretty apparel dazzled me with its beauty and elegance, but
hesitated my impulse with its retail price, I will somewhat
demonstrate similar behavior the same flow of calculations,
thoughts and action.
I have never seen Rick exhibiting that sort of consideration
before. Life to him is about whether he wants it and not whether he can afford
it.
Because the latter is never an issue.
Never.
We are such vast world apart; I reckoned the distance between
Heaven and Earth might probably seemed nearer.
A drop of tear rolled down from my cheek.
Was I hurt?
Or had I finally see the light?
(To be continued...)
