Hi, I'll try to keep this short, I can elaborate if you want me
to. Basically, I cannot seem to bond with my class. For example, I
would try to socialise with the others by sitting at their table
for lunch break, but, all they ever do is talk among themselves
while I eat. A lot of times, I finsh eating in silence then walk
away, I dont even think they noticed. It makes me feel invisible so
I stopped sitting with them after a while. Then now, they still
dont notice whenever I'm gone. I'm not demanding attention or
anything, I just want to be part of a group that bonds together. I
mean, the rest of them are fine, so it is confirmed that something
is wrong with me. Is it my appearance? or my attitude? I try to be
nice a lot of times. For example, this girl in my class, with whom
I have a similar timetable to, I want to get to know her as a
friend. Then I try to sit beside her in class. This is how she
treats me: When she wants something, she is very nice, smiles and
all. But when she doesn't need anything from me, she is PMS and
bitchy. But when another guy, also a friend that share the similar
timetable comes in, she'd ask me to move away from her so that the
guy can sit beside her. Like today, I went in class with that guy
friend, she looked at him, only at him, and said "You can sit
beside me" That really hurt me a lot, but I try to be nice and I
just move away.
That is only once example from a person. as for the class, they
wont notice me when I'm gone. Not even a 'Bye!' Class activities, I
am the last one to know and conversations, I have to always
initiate and not be the one who gets talked to. Instead I'll be the
one doing the talking to someone else just in order to seem more
sociable. Honestly, I am jealous of how my other guy friends get
attention from the other people. Maybe it's because they think I'm
a very serious person, but I try to be a fun person and they think
I've gone "mad".
I mean, it's nice to feel loved by someone else and feel that you
play a part in this community. I mean, everyone else in that
community seems to get along fine. It must be just me and I'm
already having some problems with this. I think I'm cracking under
it. I've considered taking 30 panadols after someone I wanted in a
relationship rejected me. Also, i have been saying and hearing
these voices of both myself and other people. Sometimes, I'd even
have conversations with the voices as though they were real people.
I don't want to see a doctor cause what would the rest of the class
think of me when they know I'm mentally unstable? Help me please.
I'm desperate. I've bought the panadol already.