Being friends for too long=no chance of being a couple?

last SG · 2007-06-20T23:14:39+00:00

Originally posted by Marco_Simone: Came across this statement today [b]Every NO Brings You Closer to a YES. You may face 10 rejections, but you may get luck...

Marco_Simone SG

After reading thru some of the threads here,I realise that some poor guys got rejected coz they are friends with the gal for too long before they popped the question "Shall we go stead?"

This thread has set me thinking

http://www.sgforums.com/?action=thread_display&thread_id=261356

Especially this words by one of our insightful forumites here.

"While I admire ur courage in telling her u like her, I wonder if u have thought of why you two are not together despite knowing each other for so many years liao? The thing is, some girls will never consider their guy pals/buddies to be their boyfriends because they know everything about the other person already."

I kinda agree with this statement.

But does that mean the guy should ask the gal for her hand after they have a "reasonable" level of friendship? Say,maybe a few months.

Rather than know her for a few years and get snubbed in the end?

zeny SG

Originally posted by Marco_Simone:
After reading thru some of the threads here,I realise that some poor guys got rejected coz they are friends with the gal for too long before they popped the question "Shall we go stead?"

This thread has set me thinking

http://www.sgforums.com/?action=thread_display&thread_id=261356

Especially this words by one of our insightful forumites here.

"While I admire ur courage in telling her u like her, I wonder if u have thought of why you two are not together despite knowing each other for so many years liao? [b]The thing is, some girls will never consider their guy pals/buddies to be their boyfriends because they know everything about the other person already."

I kinda agree with this statement.

But does that mean the guy should ask the gal for her hand after they have a "reasonable" level of friendship? Say,maybe a few months.

Rather than know her for a few years and get snubbed in the end?
[/b]

My research have shown that even the girl say yes to the guy they may still spit.

lets go for some case studies to prove my point

case 1
gal A knows guy B for a long time, she knows him very well and feels that she will not be happy with him as a bf cos she cannot stand his habits. She finfds that is better for them to be friends cos she will need to care about his bad habits at all due to the fact there are friends only.

Case 2
gal A knows guy C for only a few months and guy C asked gal A to be his gf. gal A agreeds. All the way gal A feels she cannot stand his habits and breaks off with him. Guy C refused and they quarrel and fight until they broke off badly and never ever be friends again.

Sometimes it may not be bad for the guy if the gal rejected him cos the girl knows that she cannot accept his habits or actions during the years as friends.

ispyyy SG

I dont do research on these things .... lol
But I believe to start a stable relationship ... u need to have 2 criterias met...
They are : Understand and passion
Understand and passion are interlink... With understanding, u r able to create passion between both... With passion, u r able to open up one's heart then able to understand one... So, it is just a chain reaction...

For example, if u and him or her being friends for too long, u understand him or her more than a newcomer... But however, if there is no passion between u and him or her, u cant expect him or her to say "yes"... Since, u understand him or her, it will not be difficult to give him or her surprise, sweet talk, cause emotional stir, make her happy and blah blah...

For example, if u and him or her just started due to passion, him or her feels for u more than normal... But however, if u dont understand him or her, it is difficult to maintain these feelings... Since, he or she feels for u, he or she usually opens up his or her heart and tells u everything that he or she thinks. And thus, u build up the understanding...

In short, if u understand him or her, u need to build up the passion
if he or she feels for u , u need to take the chance to understand her
Very tiring ,rite??? haha... therefore, u can only apply these concepts naturally... If it is destiny that both of u are together, u willl be together no matter what circumstances...

browniebaobao SG

expectation of a fren and expectation of a lover is different.

can be good frens doesn't mean can be good lovers.

kenn3th SG

I recently came to know of my friends, who started off as "good friends" becoming couples. It depends on the individual if he/she has any scandals to hide or truths to be unveiled aka badpoints

missqi SG

perhaps.
sometimes after so long, you realize the person you wanted from the start was that friend, but never considered a r/s because of the f/s.

jojobeach SG

Girls can be long term friend with guys.

Because they do not have that special feeling towards the guy.

In a friendship...
They feel comfortable to be with them, as they can be themselves.
There's no obligation to give them preferential treatment.

Unless the girl has feelings for the guy, and the guy is interested in her.
The sparks can fly. Takes 2 to tango.

Getting hitch is all about , finding the right one, at the right time.

As for friendship after the rejected proposal.
It can happen. Depends on how each react or behave afterwards.

I have rejected several guys before.
Some remains as good friends, some dissapeared into thin air.

Those that remains as good friends are those that accepted the rejections, gracefully. They moved on.. so we don't feel awkward when we meet up.

Those that leave the friendship, are those that behaved awkwardly, and becomes a weirdo , meaning they didn't take the rejection well.

One of my rejected friend, goes pubbing, get's drunk and start yelling out my name. Awkward.
Another one, went and dye his hair bright red after I rejected him, and sent me sms , saying it's my fault... duh~ weirdo.

So it really depends on how each behave in the aftermath.

Just because you like the girl, don't mean she must like you back.
It's a two way street.

BrUtUs SG

i believe still got chance… its jz tat u must have a different treatment when u chase her so she knows…

world_peace SG

sometimes need to wait for the right time, date, mood, grove to start a spark. so not impossible

_Aaron_ SG

Yeap, like what some of the others say, the sense of discovery and mystery which is expected and even fun when starting out in a r/s, is gone when you are friends for so long.

Strangely though, i find that while most guys have no problem accepting a girl whom they have been friends for a very long time, the girls, while treating you as a friend, will rarely think otherwise.

It is usually that difference in our mindsets that causes so much anguish in the guys.

nanren4ever SG

The "insightful forumite" u talking about is me? Very Happy

Anyway.maybe not every girl works that way when it comes to choosing the other half for a boyfriend. Look at Priscelia Chan and Alan Tern, the Mediacorp couple. They were best friends too, they know each other inside out, were with other people at first. But then, something happened to Priscelia's family, she turned to Alan, and hey presto, the rest is history. They are now getting married.

So I should say that there are indeed cases where the gal can be best of friends with a guy for some years, and then they get toether. It just so happens that it didn't happen to me. I personally had relationships with people where I know the person for less than 4 months, and we got together. Of course it didn't last long, and i suspect it is because we never really got to know each other well. That really got me thinking about wanting to know a person well enough before deciding to take the plunge. Because the more u know about someone, the more easy it is for me to decide if i can be with that person for long. At least, that's what I felt.

It just so happens that the girl I am best friend with(and the one I like for so long) feels otherwise. She don't want to look for someone who knows her well enough. She feels that if something should happen between us, it would have happen a long time ago. In short, she's the type who loves to see the fireworks and sparkles in the sky, but fail to see the sky that is still there after the initial sparks and fireworks are over. Hope u guys can understand the analogy.

Anyway, I am sure there's girls who would look at guys around them, or their buddies even after being friends for a few years. It just so happens it never happened to me.

browniebaobao SG

I also quoted Alan and Priscelila as example in another thread.

maybe i can answer your query.. to most girls, if there's no chemistry in the first place, there wun be.. but sometimes.. it's the timing, chemistry might only take place few years later and sweep her off her feet.

beavan SG

i hope it happens to me. Rolling Eyes

CannyOng SG

As friend can never reach the intimacy part. I believe it is still possible after becoming friend for many yrs can still become great couple. I believe the real reason for most of these failure of friends failing to convert to couple is due to the fact. They believe being comfortable with each other is key to a r/s.

Being comfortable with each other coomfortable of cos is important in a r/s but is not the key! The way u behave,acts and thought is ciritcal to the affection she has for u. Being as friend,the critiria is much lower compare to lover. Therefore they close one eye on many issues and bring themselves closer and being relax with u AS A FRIEND ONLY.

The closeness as friend might give u the wrong impression that u got the chance to be with her as an item. To avoid such mistakes,it is good to using yr closeness to ask her the criteria of an ideal bf and find out whether u are suitable with her or u able to meet her expectation...

nanren4ever SG

I think I might have said it before here, but there was this once when we were talking about the trouble we face in our love lives. She sighed and say, "If only I had fallen for you back then." Seriously, I don't know whether 2 smile or cry. But my heart was definitely weeping. If only...

You're right, there's probably no chemistry at all in the first place. Not that it matters anymore. She has found someone to be by her side now,although this relationship is not seen as "normal" by some parties. I think all along I know she will never be my to begin with, but somehow, i just can't let go like I did for my other relationships. Maybe, now is really the best time 2 start.

browniebaobao SG

keep her as a close fren then..

sometimes being frens are better than being lovers..

Pitot SG

steady on course. Just dont lose that belief.

Rephidim SG

Depends on what you want IMO - what kind of definition of 'couple'

Short Term Fling: Excite her, be mysterious and unpredictable and very romantic by doing thick skinned and flamboyant acts. Just for the thrill, when things get tough, run away.

Long Term: Go deep into her life and be a soul mate, being with a girl for life is having your character and her character progress together. I wish my partner would be my soul mate and best friend next time. Smile

NYPD^blue SG

Google for ladder theory....

The ladder theory is a funny, scientific explanation of how men and women
are attracted to each other. It also covers such topics as why women
sometimes just want to be friends but men always want sex. It is based upon
many years of sociological field testing, and was first conceptualized in
1994 in Exeter, CA by Dallas Lynn with acknowledgements to Jared Whitson for
his role in formalizing the theory.

Sally: We are just going to be friends, OK?
Harry: Great, friends. It's the best thing...You realize, of course, that we can never be friends.
Sally: Why not?
Harry: What I'm saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape, or form - is that men and women can't be friends, because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry: No, you don't.
Sally: Yes, I do.
Harry: No, you don't.
Sally: Yes, I do.
Harry: You only think you do.
Sally: You're saying I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry: No, what I'm saying is they all want to have sex with you.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: How do you know?
Harry: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally: So you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive.
Harry: No, you pretty much want to nail them, too.
Sally: What if they don't want to have sex with you?
Harry: Doesn't matter, because the sex thing is already out there, so the friendship is ultimately doomed, and that is the end of the story.

<Precious> SG

That's usually the case. But I don't discount that exceptions exist...... Laughing