It's easy to cheat on our partners - much more
effortlessly if she is out of country.
What will you do if you know that you could cheat on her and still
'get away' with it? Because from the way your situation has flowed
into, that could turn out to be a possibility eventually.
You are indeed playing with fire when you addressed her flagrantly
as 'dear'. Flippant words may be cheap, but reiterated message over
a period of time strengthens a belief gradually. Now that your
worst nightmare has escalates beyond your control, look closer -
probably this 'nightmare' might be a real wish after all.
I do understand your astronomical void and emotional restlessness
when your Significant Other is not around physically to tender
those sensitive needs. But from certain angles, this is exactly
what differentiates a great relationship from 'the others'.
An LDR (long distance relationship) is relative difficult. In fact,
it is a fallacious promise for any relationship to succeed in LDR,
challenging even for the best of love. Sure, some might just barely
kept their breath above water, but looking at statistics, your kind
of plight is THE most common reason why LDR fails.
Do note that I am not advocating civil and moral lessons on the
necessity to be loyal at all cost because it's a matter of choice.
You have your own needs and such subconscious absence might prove
to be a little too much for you to bear.
Retrograde and remain alone for the time being. You probably need
that sort of environment to introspect and decide what you want.
It's better to face your feelings right now, then to play passive
and wait until everything implodes into some love tragedy.
You mentioned that you lost your direction? Who knows? In the
process, you might have lost your heart too. 
Cheers
