Looking back, the past 7 years of my life have been so
unbelievable that it would put any soap opera to shame. The last 4
years of this longdrawn episode has just come to an end. After
allowing myself 2 days of anguish, here I am, sitting back and
surveying the mess of my life and what lays ahead without the
slightest hint of trepidation.
I thought nothing could surprise me after all the drama, the
colourful characters and the impossible situations I've handled
through these turbulent years, and so the unexpected silent calm in
my mind now comes as a surprise. Perhaps this is akin to a calm
after a storm, so although this new state of clarity was something
I least expected to find at the end of this 4-year ordeal, I am
very pleased with the result.
It was as if someone had "uncooked" all the garbled information in
my brain. With this newfound clarity, I am beginning to understand
what has transpired over the years.. this latest "relationship"
suddenly looks so clear.
As an old "buddy" put it, I must have been desperate for some
semblance of normality in my 24 years of life when everything up
till this point was anything but. It's interesting how easily I
succumbed to the lull of this so-called "normal" life and how I
struggled to maintain it even at the cost of my own beliefs. The
irony in compromising my own ideals and desires for the sake of
moulding myself into someone else's perception of a "woman behind
the man" does not escape me, for I have always prided myself in
being at the forefront of any relationship, taking on the role of
the aggressor rather than that of the passive gentle female. In
fact a part of me is quite disgusted that this dream was not ended
by my own hand, but by "his".. I would've still been lost in the
mist for goodness knows how much longer if he had not decided to
end the relationship.
Perhaps I was tired. Overwhelmed, even. Weary of fighting endless
battles alone, tired of being strong and invincible when I feel
vulnerable and wounded inside. This relationship was simply my
excuse to run away from my future.. my way of hanging up the towel
and letting someone else be the driving force of ambition.
Everytime I think of my mother, I punish myself mentally. She is a
unicorn with a behemoth's spirit, a maker of miracles with a
mindblowing track record. And I? How could I ever hope reach that
calibre when all I've done so far is to wait for life to throw
something in my path that would force me forward?
I admit I have been fearful of taking the reins. So many unanswered
questions loom over me like an ominous grey blanket of clouds that
threaten to drown the buried answers below before I can even find
them, but now I allow myself a drizzle.. Where would I go? What
would I do? How would I generate enough income to get something
going? The initial questions hit me like gigantic hailstones. But I
must weather them, for after all this time, all these experiences,
I have come one full circle and right back to where I started..
right back to the problem I have been avoiding all along ...
indecisiveness on what I want to do with my life.
The newfound clarity beckons, but I am fearful. But I must go
forth.. for time is no longer by my side. Indecisiveness will only
prolong my pain. I face this old crossroad, this unwanted familiar
friend, and now I know which unmarked path I must take.. it is the
one I have been avoiding all along.
But what about you, ladies & gents? How do you handle these
huge questions in life, all these huge expectations? Just.. do now,
think later? How do you overcome your own fear of failure? And
lastly... how do you handle that empty hole inside you, the one
that craves for love?
