Just writing in here hoping to feel better after pouring it
out.
A little less than 2 years ago, I chanced upon Mr G through a
shared project at work. Though there were no sparks and we hardly
made conversation initially, one encounter probably initiated what
carried on and happened the next 2 years. Things began rather
strangely, I've never looked upon him as someone who might be my
type. He is older and the sort who communicated more with mandarin
and dialect, I am younger, and what you would call, the "ang moh
type."
I was going through a difficult period of my life back then, having
to cope with family and financial difficulties plus looking after
my then bed ridden father who was passing from terminal cancer.
That was when I started going out with Mr G.
I have no clear idea why I enjoyed going out with him, it was
probably the annonymity of being with a person who didn't
understand me or was very far apart from the realities of life that
were hanging over me... I considered our dates momentary escapism.
For a few hours each time, I left everything behind and went around
a Mr G I didn't care for. He didn't care for me. And I found myself
lured to this company. It was easy. There were no heavy discussions
about life and problems, just conversation about the simpler things
and some laughter.
A month or so later, we slept together. A few months later, my
father passed. And Mr G left for work overseas. I have no idea
really what things meant back then but I assumed it was over. My
problems were over. And Mr G was gone. And so the affair
ended.
Between the 3 months we dated and slept together, the relationship
between us was a push and pull. I suppose. Initially, I'd been
nicer. Sometimes asking him out for a movie but he didn't sound
interested so I assumed we are hanging around each other for the
sex. Soon afterwards he began calling me in the after noons,
sometimes everyday, sometimes making a meal, sometimes wishing I
stayed over and sometimes wanting to go out the same day even after
we parted. Then he left. But found me a job with him overseas. I
chose not to join him. And left traveling by myself. I didn't know
why he wanted me to join him back then. The cynical side of me
imagined he wanted a free bed partner and he wanted my company due
to the loneliness overseas. When he called me during my backpacking
days and asked why I couldn't seem to share the adventurous things
I did with him, the better part of me believed he had feelings.
Nothing happened in the end. He came back to Singapore. And so did
I. And we carried on. We borrow our company; an occasional visit or
drink. Momentarily leaving the realities of our separate lives
behind and simply laughing about unimportant things.
We carried on behaving like friends in public. Other times intimate
in private. Things were complicated because we ran in the similar
public circles. Even after a year of sleeping with each other
repeatedly every week, he was nervous, sometimes shy when we are
out together. In private, he drank a lot. We bumped into each other
at work and were formally introduced as colleagues. The irony of
being asked if we knew each other before hand at the office when a
few days before the introduction we'd been fucking each other's
brains out was a little too dramatic for me to handle. Not knowing
how to behave around him at work, I threw in the towel and left
before the project began.
I left traveling again. The new year passed. I had no idea exactly
what I was running from. I probably liked Mr G a plenty but had no
idea how to reconciliate my liking with all that has happened. The
same thing happened. He was alright, sometimes offering to pick me
up or send me off, other times calling and saying he misses me. I
came back. We started again. After a year of being strangers, he
suddenly held my hand one time. I had no idea what that meant but
he was quiet when he did it and so was I. We did nothing but slept
with each other. Often nothing was being said since I told him he
doesn't have to feel obliged to make conversation after sex if he
didnt want to.
Because nothing was being said, I rarely knew what Mr G feels most
of the time. Only recently after I came back from a last trip, he
was often quieter but doting. Many times holding me very tightly
throughout the night until I fell asleep. Other times he would
sleep away on a couch, quiet, by himself old music humming in the
background.
I realise at times that Mr G, is ultimately a loner at his best,
solo from the view he loves. His private, desolate appeal was
probably what kept me going back. Or perhaps it was the night, and
a city in deep slumber that rustles a certain lonely quality,
elusive and hollow, that brought me back to the same circle again
and again. Sleeplessness from working erratic hours and probably
loneliness. The need for closeness. Physical intimacy. I have no
idea.
I don't know if he has anyone else in another country or if we were
nothing. The pleasures of having experienced whatever encounter we
had, was always deterred by spontaneous dates with others. When I
would drive out into the same kind of night, with another someone,
in search of filling the void left behind by Mr G whenever he
wasn't around. I am beyond wanting relationships. Or the fun filled
conventions of being in one. It tires me. It is exhausting. I have
seen friends going through disappointments and anguish all for
nothing in the end. And I do not want to go through it again. I
have nothing to offer in a relationship neither do I know how to
behave in one.
I don't know why I do it if Mr G meant anything at all. I'm not
expecting him to consider anything serious with me because I am
probably not worth his time. The last time we were out, he took my
phone and saw the messages from my previous date. He didn't say
anything. If he called and I was out with friends, he would coolly
tell me to go keep my friend company. But continue sending me
messages till I was home. He never asked me out on Valentines. Just
wishing me happy valentines day the day before and sends me
messages asking if I was home on Valentines.
Today he is back overseas. There wasn't difficult leaving and he'd
given me the news after he arrived over there though I knew he was
making a trip for work.
A few weeks before, I'd asked him what this was all about. He told
me we are more than close and he wanted to mean something to me.
But couldn't ask me for more because I do not want a relationship.
He'd said the same thing a year ago, that he didn't want a
relationship. (That is man speak for not wanting a relationship
with me. I understand.)
And he asked why I never seemed to call him. That he wanted
surprises. He was right about that. I never once called him or
initiated contact throughout the time we spent together. Even if I
were to cancel on him last minute, he had no temper. Just wishing
me goodnight and to enjoy my evening, have my fun. It felt like I
meant nothing to him because he was so unaffected. Afterwards he
said there was nothing he could do because he isn't the type of
person to keep pestering me if I didn't want to go out.
So now he is away. And I have no idea what would happen next.
Probably a looming knowing this has finally ended. The last time we
met, for the first time in my entire life, I'd been left alone on
the bed while he slept on his couch. Afterwards ignoring me when I
said goodbye. I'm not blaming anybody much less him. For a woman
who has closed his doors repeatedly, I probably deserved it.
We will probably come and go in each others lives without warning.
These intermittent encounters will continue leaving me with a hint
of longing until the day I stop seeing him.
Just wondering what any of you would've done if you were in my
shoes.
