I was watching TV when he suddenly blurted the inevitable
statement: Its not that I do not want a relationship. Just that
right now I want to focus on my career. The confession could be
linked to a conversation a few minutes earlier. He asked me to move
in with him. I told him it isnt a viable option for me because I
barely have time to wash my own dishes, much less make myself
useful around his place. Now we all know when somebody tells you
that, it isnt the case of him or her not wanting a relationship.
It just means they dont want a relationship with YOU.
I didnt ask for a relationship neither did I hint of wanting one.
All I did was watch TV. And thats exactly what I should go back
doing. Everything else is too much trouble.
If you believe astrology is more than myth, at times I see more of
a Sagittarian in Mr G and the Capricorn in myself. He claims to
prefer seeing the world, as for me, seeing too much may not be a
good thing. Because I do it alone I come back different each time.
Even when you have a story to tell, no one would understand because
they werent there.
I go around like a pauper and do overland instead of airplanes. The
romanticism of such an act moves people but it stops right there.
Few carry the notion further. If you would like to, Im sure you
can do it too. Only material pursuits get in the way. Most people
choose cars, clubs and chicks over spending on travel.
I believe Mr G does view me more than just a sex buddy. He reminded
me not to use that term because we were never there. It makes him
uncomfortable. Its natural for feelings to develop after a period
of time.
But what really matters now is he left without saying good
bye.
And what happened with Mr G last week stank. For the first time in
a long time I was left alone on the bed. For the first time at all
I was ignored when I said goodbye. I couldve yelled, screamed,
thrown a hissy fit but that would bring me nowhere. Frankly, it
didnt feel good as a female. I feel used. Mr G probably thinks I
am very loose. Easily discarded before re using again. But am I in
a position to blame him?
Was Mr G relieved that the midnight f&%k was gone or was he
hollow from being alone again? For someone like me, its usually
easy getting answers but he has a sombre air about him. So much so
I knew better to shut up and leave than push him further. Suddenly
I tittered on the high wire of morphing into the exact replica of
twenty some things I discarded before. Monster nightmares who
didnt know how to take no for an answer and didnt understand the
rules of one night games. I do not wish to become that way.
Even as I think about this, whether he is in Singapore or overseas
remains a question. All he could tell me today was take good care
of myself. What I didnt understand was, why he needed to do it.
Why he had to initiate contact at all. Why not just leave it as it
is and not bother me again. Was he feeling sympathetic? Did he
think he was being kind? Was he thinking of staying connected so we
can go through the same routine if he ever comes back? If I meant
nothing why couldnt we just screw each other and let it be? Why
did he have to bring me out on dates, hold my hand, laugh a lot and
simply being? Am I reading too much into things? Is this a
biological curse? For time immemorial I have all the questions and
barely any answers.
At the end of it all, I am left feeling that the world isnt nice.
Nobody cares if you get stiffed or if your feelings get bruised. Mr
G left and I wouldve done the same. Beyond telling me to take care
there is nothing he can offer. I cannot even perform a satisfying
shout out, woman to man, for fear of having it come back at me one
day in this line of work. If they say the loving is a battlefield
and he went away wounded, then I am left dead.
I think he wants to play with me. Wants to give me false hope.
Wants to see how much Ill grovel. It's probably wiser not to play
this game. Saying goes its one thing if you dont know what to do,
but if you know what to do and dont do it, then youre
double-dumb.
No use rationalising this.
No point in longing for whats been left behind.
Perhaps I received return for whatever I brought to it.
Always keep back ups because there will always be another.
Always.
