With the divorce rate over 50 percent, too many are apparently
making a
serious mistake in deciding who to spend the rest of their life
with. To avoid becoming a "statistic," try to internalize these 10
insights.
1. You pick the wrong person because you expect him/her to
change after
you're married.
The classic mistake. Never marry potential. The golden rule is, if
you
can't be happy with the person the way he or she is now, don't get
married. As a colleague of mine so wisely put it, "You actually can
expect people to change after their married... for the worst!" So
when it comes to the other person's spirituality, character,
personal hygiene, communication skills, and personal habits, make
sure you can live with these as they are now.
2. You pick the wrong person because you focus more on
chemistry than on
character.
Chemistry ignites the fire, but good character keeps it burning.
Beware of the "I'm in love" syndrome. "I'm in love" often means,
"I'm in lust."
Attraction is there, but have you carefully checked out this
person's character? Here are four character traits to definitely
check for:
Humility: Does this person believe that "doing the right thing" is
more
important than personal comfort? Do I want to be more like this
person?
Would I like my child to turn out like him or her?
Kindness: Does this person enjoy giving pleasure to other people?
How does
s/he treat people s/he doesn't have to be nice to? Does s/he do
volunteer work? Give charity?
Responsibility: Can I depend on this person to do what s/he says
s/he's
going to do?
Happiness: Does this person like himself? Does s/he enjoy life? Is
s/he
emotionally stable?
Ask yourself: Do I want to be more like this person? Do I want to
have a
child with this person? Would I like my child to turn out like him
or her?
3. You pick the wrong person because the man doesn't
understand what a
woman needs most.
Men and women have unique emotional needs, and more often than not,
it is
the man who just doesn't "get it." Jewish tradition places the onus
on the man to understand the emotional needs of a woman and to
satisfy them. The unique need of a woman is to be loved-to feel
that she is the most important person in her husband's life. The
husband needs to give her consistent, quality attention.
This is most apparent in Judaism's approach to sexual intimacy. The
Torah
obligates the husband to meet the sexual needs of his wife. Sexual
intimacy
is always on the woman's terms. Men are goal-oriented, especially
when it
comes this area. As a wise woman once pointed out, "Men have two
speeds: on
and off." Women are experience-oriented. When a man is able to
switch gears
and become more experience-oriented, he will discover what makes
his wife
very happy. When the man forgets about his own needs and focuses on
giving
his wife pleasure, amazing things happen.
4. You choose the wrong person because you do not share a
common life goals and priorities.
There are three basic ways we connect with another person:
1. chemistry and compatibility
2. share common interests
3. share common life goal
Make sure you share the deeper level of connection that sharing
life goals
provide. After marriage, the two of you will either grow together
or grow apart. To avoid growing apart, you must figure out what
you're "living for," while you're single-and then find someone who
has come to the same conclusion as you. This is the true definition
of a "soulmate."
A soul mate is a goal mate two people who ultimately share the
same
understanding of life's purpose and therefore share the same
priorities,
values and goals.
5. You choose the wrong person because you get involved
sexually too
quickly.
Sexual involvement before the commitment of marriage can be a big
problem
because it often precludes a fully honest exploration of important
issues.
Sexual involvement tends to cloud one's mind. And a clouded mind is
not
inclined to make good decisions. Of all the studies done on
divorce, sexual
incompatibility is never cited as a main factor. It is not
necessary to take
a "test drive in order to find out if a couple is sexually
compatible. If you do your homework and make sure you are
intellectually and emotionally compatible,you don't have to worry
about sexual compatibility. Of all the
studies done on divorce, sexual incompatibility is never cited as a
main
reason why people divorce.
6. You pick the wrong person because you do not have a
deeper emotional
connection with this person.
To evaluate whether you have a deeper emotional connection or not,
ask: "Do
I respect and admire this person?" This does not mean, "Am I
impressed by
this person?" We are impressed by a Mercedes. We do not respect
someone
because they own a Mercedes. You should be impressed by qualities
of
creativity, loyalty, determination, etc. Also ask: "Do I trust this
person?"
This also means, "Is he/she emotionally stable? Do I feel I can
rely on him/her?
7. You pick the wrong person because you choose someone
with whom you don't feel emotionally safe.
Ask yourself the following questions: Do I feel calm, peaceful and
relaxed
with this person? Can I fully be myself and express myself with
this person?
Does this person make me feel good about myself? Do you have a
really close
friend who does make you feel this way? Make sure the person you
marry
makes you feel the same way! Are you afraid of this person in any
way? You should not feel you need to monitor what you say because
you are afraid of how the other person will view it. If you're
afraid to express your feelings and
opinions openly, there's a problem with the relationship. Be on the
look
out for someone who is always trying to change you.
Another aspect of feeling safe is that you don't feel the other
person is trying to control you. Controlling behaviors are a sign
of an abusive person. Be on the look out for someone who is always
trying to change you. There's a big difference between
"controlling" and "making suggestions." A suggestion is made for
your benefit; a control statement is made for their benefit.
8. You pick the wrong person because you don't put
everything on the table.
Anything that bothers you about the relationship must be brought up
for discussion. Bringing up the uncomfortable stuff is the only way
to evaluate
how well the two of you communicate, negotiate, and work together.
Over the
course of a lifetime, difficulties will inevitably arise. You need
to know now, before making a commitment: Can you resolve your
differences and find
compromises that work for both of you?
Never be afraid to let the person know what bothers you. This is
also a way
for you to test how vulnerable you can be with this person. If you
can't be
vulnerable, then you can't be intimate. The two go hand in
hand.
9. You pick the wrong person because you use the
relationship to escape
from personal problems and unhappiness.
If you are unhappy and single, you'll probably be unhappy and
married, too.
Marriage does not fix personal, psychological and emotional
problems.If anything, marriage will exacerbate them. If you are not
happy with yourself
and your life, take responsibility to fix it now while you are
single. You'll feel better, and your future spouse will thank
you.
10. You pick the wrong person because he/she is involved in
a triangle.
To be "triangulated" means a person is emotionally dependent on
someone or
something else while trying to develop another relationship. A
person who
hasn't separated from his or her parents is the classic example of
triangulation. People can also be triangulated with things as well,
such as work, drugs, Internet, hobbies, sports or money. Be careful
that you and your partner are free of triangles. The person caught
in the triangle cannot be fully emotionally available to you. You
will not be their number one priority. And that's no basis for a
marriage.
