Women please comment

last SG · 2006-12-22T21:10:41+00:00

It's ok. Im was just thinking if you could at least explain generally. doko

dokono SG

You are right. Mere attraction cannot make a relationship last. But it needs to occur first. Nothing lasts forever. I liken

That's why I never feel that a breakup is as simple as incompatibility. I view it as an excuse. With regards to your elements such as goals, objectives, character and personality issues, I feel that everyone is an individual and has different thinking. It's about compromising with one another, coupled with how much love both parties have for each other. Respect and support is essential. That is really love, not attraction.

doko

blu_sky SG

So you think for the sake of love, one should sacrifice his goals, ambitions and even lose oneself just to make the relationship work?

Why dun withdraw when it is still early?

dokono SG

No that is not love.

Love is patient, kind and being understanding.

Question is if your partner is understanding and knows you love him whole-heartedly, why is the relationship a hindrance anyway? It shouldn't be as long as he has a good attitude. Wink

One question: is that why he left you? Rolling Eyes

doko

blu_sky SG

I think you are missing the point.

Anyway, what makes you think he left me? Wink

dokono SG

ok you are saying if the relationship isn't working anymore, you think should exit early? is that what you are trying to say?

then you left him?

Rolling Eyes

doko

blu_sky SG

Yes, i think should end a relationship if it is not working anymore if you can. No point forcing it.

when a relationship ends, it may not be who left who? it maybe mutual?

Wink

dokono SG

You are right. If you don't like him anymore, shouldn't waste each other's time. Wink

mutual? it's never mutual. In all cases of breakups I know, it is never mutual. Maybe you can afford to let go, he maybe dying inside even though he agreed. If it's mutual he would have left you long ago. After all, there's emotional bond left.

doko

ozzy_gurl SG

i no longer hate my ex,we are friends now,sort of.... Laughing

but.....we broke up after almost 6 months because he was cheating on me with someone who was supposed to be one of my best friends at the time.he was sleeping with her in our bed.....(his house,but i was living with him).he'd never showed any signs of cheating,or really even flirting with other women before this happened.we are happy,spent all our time together when either of us wasn't at work,we never really argued....i kept his house clean,always had meals cooked for him,did everything i could for him,he was the same with me.........we were completely happy......i thought....until one day...........it was a year and a half ago that we broke up.

and then just recently i found out,since we've been friends again for a while now,that he'd cheated on me in the very start of our relationship,and i never knew about it.he hid it from me all along.

but even though it's been really hard,somehow i've managed to forgive him,and we still have some kind of friendship...we still care about each other,only as friends do though....not even that much really,if either of us really needed help,we'd help each other.but thats all.......

what can i say?.........you wanted to know about ex bf's............try to understand mine.........i know i can't........ Laughing

blu_sky SG

It may not be a case of 'you dun like him anymore, therefore breaking up'. In some break ups, both parties may still like/love each other alot, but still have to break up to avoid larger conflict in future?

This is called "chang tong bu ru duan tong".

dokono SG

can you cite some examples?

doko

blu_sky SG

Like... lets quote the simplest eg.

i've got a couple friend, the lady is an early bird. she likes to wake up early and sleep early. her daily routine is: after work, whe reaches home at 7pm watch tv and sleeps at 10pm.

but her bf is a nocturnal. likes night. he likes to work and likes to work late. everyday he will not knock off untill 9 plus.

you think they will work?

the answer is, they tried. they were together for 5 years. countless quarrels and fights. but how to compromise? the lady can barely open her eyes after 10pm, but the guy can only see her after 10pm.

oh weekends, he is a workaholic, loves to work. so weekend oso dedicated to work.

This is an example of lifestyle incompatibility.

rane SG

Hi, Doko Smile

Nice to talk to you again. Well, there are girls behave that way you mentioned above. Guess the girl is not ready to talk or just don't feel like bringing it up, or she is afraid if she brings on the subject he will not be able to take it or get angry or hurt. Well, if she is not ready to talk may be wait till she is in good mood and so happen you two are on the same topic or things relating to the topic you could gently, tactfully ask her again. Hee hee, I usually will communicate on what's on the mind unless I am not prepare to talk about it. Communicate is of utmost importance in any relationship. If we don't make things clear and depend on assuming - then like what a man told me b4 "just making an ass out of you and me" (oops, sounds rude but that's what was told by him). I agree with this saying.

Me, I am just quoting what happen to my friends' marriages. Sigh, don't know why man can go on sleeping with other woman even after wife confronted him and he promised he won't do it again.

There are many differences between male and female that's why it's not easy to keep relationship going. I do learn a little from the books by JOhn Gray. Just to share a bit - he was interviewed on radio and he mentioned that his wife said it is OK to look at women but don't drool. There are far too many things we have to learn about from both genders and hope after learning we could put these to practice then there will be less stress and fewer problems.

ha8n SG

at least you n ex are friends ..mine hate me Rolling Eyes

rane SG

Smile Hi Doko, below text is extracted form John Gray's website, hope you find them useful:

There are four keys to creating mutually supportive and rewarding relationships:

1. Purposeful communication;communicating with the intent to understand and be understood.

2. Right understanding;understanding, appreciating, and respecting our differences.

3. Giving up judgments;releasing negative judgments of ourselves and others.

4. Accepting responsibility;taking equal responsibility for what you get from the relationship and practicing forgiveness.

These four keys can unlock the potential within you to create loving relationships and fulfill your hopes and dreams. They will help you realize why your relationships have had problems in the past, and provide a foundation to build stable and life-enriching relationships in the future.

dokono SG

Hey thanks rane,

I believe John Gray's books does not really help much. If not, there would not be more divorces and breakups or guys having problems chasing girls.

Don't get me wrong. They are still good. I still believe there are certain things that are missing from his books. And I would like to thank you for posting.

doko

rane SG

Smile You are welcome, Doko. Yeah, though there are a lot of things we can learn from his books, I don't deny that his books lack something and that he is a little pro male (not very balance).

Devil1976 SG

Rolling Eyes

dokono SG

Okay, I havent continued from your post.

I have thought about this. I still don't agree it's different lifestyle...don't make sense. If you have love, you can compromise. It can be either side is stuborn or the love has died off or care too much about their selves rather than make this relationship try to work out.

Lifestyle differences doesn't make you love less. I have seen cases of couples with different lifestyles together really put effort to work on the free time to spend with each other. Lifestyle differences is just an excuse.

doko

ILPSY SG

My opinions:

1. Guys come to this forum to whine coz they dun have other revenues or sources to vent their frustrations. I suppose they feel uneasy with their male counterparts if they were to tell them their frustrations as it is a social stigma that guys should be macho and not behave whiney. Thus, forums are a good place coz nobody knows who they really are.

2. Most people come to forums with problems and asked for solutions. Some came for solutions whereas some came to rally support for their decisions.

3. Gals normally won't tell guys what she is unhappy in the relationship coz they think that if the bf really cares about them, he should be more inquisite or more sensitive in observing what makes her unhappy. But, little do they know that guys are rarely equipped with the ability of sensitiveness. Thus, gals become upset when their bfs still seem nonchalant about the whole issue. So, gals should actually tell guys what they are unhappy about and not let guys guess.

4. Sometimes when a relationship fails, its not because they are uncompatible in characters or such. It is because they have taken the relationship for granted. They thought that if the other partner really love them, they should "sacrifice" for them. But they have forgotten the way they behaved when they first fall in relationship. They forgotten that they "give" instead of "receiving".

Cool

Bontakun SG

Hey, you are one of the few who bothered to spell my nick correctly!

Woo hoo~~~~~~~~~!!!

Laughing

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