Originally posted by Yunhaier:
We ought to remember that ultimately, she is
already married to BIL; therefore, a break up shouldn't be taken as
lightly as it could have been in the case of a BGR.
Let's re-examine this entire case in a more objective manner: your
sister is affected by his share-playing habits, which is actually a
subtle form of gambling in some sense. The trust is indeed badly
devastated through his reckless action, which I must admit that it
would have been a huge blow to her.
But knowing his kind of personality, entrusting a large sum of
money for safe keeping on his side is indeed foolish. Perhaps, too
much 'face' issues or ego is at work here, which acts as a
catalysis for greater problems.
She would have invited more problems if she actually considered the
other man as a potential candidate. A simple break down of her
conundrum would have revealed that this man merely fill the
emotional cracks that hits her badly at this moment of unstable
time. [b]Would you
actually think that this man has any chance at all if BIL didn't
gamble the cash away in stock market and create such a 'huge chasm'
that separate his wife away from him?
Her man did her wrong with deception, but to accept another man as
a replacement? If she has done that, years down the road, she might
have regretted her decision to accept this new guy EVEN if she
didn't regret leaving BIL. I am suggesting that although this man
could be a nice guy - but the timing and situation for his
appearance is indeed awkward. Pursuing it blindly will likely to
bring about further complication, because it began on a wrong
footing.
One must understand that two wrong doesn't make a
right - wrong decision that is.
My suggestion is to FIRST handle BIL: that BIL needs serious
counseling and a stronger desire to evolve. It doesn't seem to me
that he's remorseful and I think there's lots of maturity and
learning needed for him to grow. He needs counseling to resolve his
shares-gamble/investment and another one for marriage - to
understand the element of responsibility.
I suggest you speak to him, as a third party, to understand his
current mindset and how did he felt/thought of this entire saga.
Try to understand the reason behind his robust attitude towards
playing the share market and what caused the greater lost. There
may be a chance that he may need external help to resolve this
possible 'addiction', if it is so overwhelming. And if that could
truly resolve this matter, he could still be saved... in that
sense.
Secondly, I do not encourage her to move out alone, while drawing
emotional support from the new guy. I agree with the post by
Newage, about moving back home, but if that's simply not possible,
another way is to move into a trusted friend's house instead of a
rented apartment.
The reason is to prevent isolation - that's one trigger technique
in AOS.
This crisis depends alot about BIL - if he's going to resign to
fate and act as if he could do nothing, I think your sister is
probably better of without him. The first few qualities a man
should learn in adulthood is responsibility. If he is always
evading them, what good would a marriage turn out for a man devoid
of any sense of responsibility bestowed onto him? With
responsibility comes humility and later... maturity.
But regardless of how BIL is faring, the
new guy shouldn't be a consideration for a potential in BGR because
he's but a substitute. Minimize his presence if she feels
that she can't handle him too long - always wait until clarity
returns before she decide a drastic change of route. Not wise to
strike out when the fogs are thick. 
Cheers [/b]
Penny for thoughts. A little too early for that
'conclusion'?
