If life is without problems it would be so mundane and not the
least challenging, but am I really that unlucky? If everyday we
live happily, no sadness no stress, perhaps we will never know how
precious being happy is because everything will be like a routine.
I've made alot of mistakes in my life, ended up with many regrets
as well. I keep making the same mistake over and over again -
saying short-lived words and let my mind soon drifts away and how
that is so unnerving. I'd know that it is part of my growing stage
and it'll definitely moulder me into a stronger person spiritually.
The guys whom we used to have an affection for one another in the
past three months but due to some circumstances which is not even
worth mentioning, ain't even on talking terms now whenever we see
each other. It ain't funny, we became the very "familiar" stranger.
I accept it because I've choosen this way too. Grudges are a waste
of perfect happiness.
In my love life, I've met a few guys who really loved me. I really
felt loved by them especially when being loved and cared for by
five guys at the same time, the feeling is really unexplanable.
But, I don't deserve the heavens. Nevertheless, these happy things
happen when we least expect them. But, whatever decision I make
some will get hurt. We all have to accept the fact that sometimes
beautiful encounters have to come to an end. Although many people
still prefer to cling on false hopes and dreams, conciously or
subconsciously neglecting the fact that love's gone. It's sad.
Really. Well.. I can say that I've already tried my best.
Recently, I have been thinking a lot lately regarding the issue on
friends. Honestly speaking, I always don't have an issue when it
comes to making the right kind of friends, seems like recently I
met quite a number of hypocrites and backstabbers. I wonder if they
like to live in their hypocritical worlds, do they even enjoy what
they are doing or are they absolutely clueless of what they are
doing??? It beats me. I would like to tell them off, but what will
I get in return will be another pack of lies and denial, and get
backstabbed again.
I feel so isolated as if I've been dragged to an unfamiliar place
where no one knows me nor I know anyone and when I'm back in the
familiar place I used to be in, I feel so new here. Abhor not being
able to control how I feel. I absolutely loathe the feeling of
having to make a decision. It is such a pity that I couldn't learn
to prioritise and lesson learned, I should just place myself before
others. I'm so tired. I just want to sleep for days, and days and
days. Luckily, there are still my bestest girlfriends though we are
not in the same school. It's them that make me survive and hold on
till now. Surrounded by the world but I feel all alone. I shed
tears, I feel moody, but no one ever noticed. I may appear to be
happy but I am not inside. I shed tears because of her, because of
him, because of them.
How do I stop this throbbing pain in my head, the imploding
thoughts, the grief wiring up my chest, the purging and one whole
mess of suffocation that's caging me? Because I have never been a
good judge of character; people lie, they betray and hurt too much;
and I'm starting to fear. Sometimes, it doesn't pays to be kind.
Thing is you see people giving their hearts all wrapped up
prettily, and getting it returned to them shattered into shards of
glass that pierce their hands as they attempt to piece their broken
heart back together.
There's a part of my life that needs to dissolve, a past that needs
to be squared away.
Any kind soul here free for a talk? I am at the brim of self
inflictions. The week before suicide is sanguine. No one can ever
see it coming...
