How do you help

twenty47 SG

your partner if she have this habit of bottling up her feelings? As in she is reluctant to tell you the things that have upsetted her and just cries in the middle of the night.

Only when things build up then she tells u everything and its only then u found out that most of what had made her sad are things that are what "she feels that I am thinking like this" but not what u actually was thinking at that point of time.

I've told her that i am always here to listen, for her to question my actions if it had upsetted her but she says that its her way of releasing stress (crying) and its not her habit to thrash things out.

What can i, as a boyfriend do to help? I don't wish to see her being upset over things that can be settled if clarified.... i don't want to see her cry in the middle of the night... please help...

FireIce SG

tell her to write a blog

twenty47 SG

she has a blog... but then its open to all her friends and so things that are personal is unlikely to appear there. Also, it has been quite sometime since she last update her blog.

used SG

sad....

maybe if you open up to her ( i don't mean literally) then she might actually confide to you.

twenty47 SG

i did... i told her my inner feelings too. The problem here is not that she cant confide in me. Its her 'style' to not talk about things in her despite me telling her to try to change. I think its stressful and unhealthy to bottle up feelings.

R3SsH|n SG

try to entice her into talking about it…

used SG

true and it can cause depression. dose she tells anyone her inner feelings? you cant force her to change its only up to herself. gain her trust more and let her know how much this relationship means to you and that you wanna make it work. and also let her know that you are as vulnerable as she is.

Beckhamagic SG

My advice to you is that to leave her alone

Different people have different way of solving problems and when come to personal problems not everyone wants to share or confide in another person or even with their loved one or very very closed friends Dont force her to say her thoughts when the time is not right at least she talks to you after she have come over it It is better than she didnt tell you anything right??? Surprised

The time for your advice for her is when she have totally come over it or more or less come over it this is the time for you to advice and talk to you and know more about the problems Try not to probe too much as you might upset her and this might lead to her being more reluctant to tell you her problems just be a good listening ear

Sometimes when we want to care for the person the person might not want it as he or she might have a way of solving problems of their own thus try not to disturb her I believed that she would come back to you once she is back to normal Therefore, if you are by her side then she might not be able to think or solve things out Thus dont add to her existing problems by staying around

Just remember that things might not turn out the way you want if you kept probing and forcing her as such just relax and take things one step at a time Wink

Bontakun SG

I see your posts are good. I too have a friend who more or less is facing some problems of her own, BUT due to the fact I am not that close to her I cannot directly intervene and can only be there when she wants some company.

I do have a question with relations to your words: Guys naturally cannot understand girls, so if lets say on the surface she kindly rejects your help, what if she actually wants you to help her in some way deep in her heart? How to tell so?

Beckhamagic SG

Hi Bontakun,

thanks for your compliments on my posts... I just started posting my views in this forum and hope to be of value to the forum by posting good posts...

Please see my reply for your question:

I do have a question with relations to your words: Guys naturally cannot understand girls, so if lets say on the surface she kindly rejects your help, what if she actually wants you to help her in some way deep in her heart? How to tell so?

Well... Not that we (men) cannot understand women.. it is just that they are simply too complicated for us to understand... My view is that I will try not to fully understand them and basically I cannot... Just understand around 70%~80% and try not to take things too heavily in life... In this way... you would be much more happier and so will be ur partner... Laughing

If I were you I will leave her (your female friend) alone since "she said so..." but once in a while... prehaps... 1 or 2 weeks apart... you can give her a call... or sms her... If she really want your help or need help she will look for you... unless she got someone else to turn to... Be patient...

Hope that the above is of help... Wink

Bontakun SG

Ooooh I see I see. Ok. Mr. Green

Devil1976 SG

Try to smile more to her and to be more 'positive' in your attitude towards her from time to time... Try to read a bit of her body language... If she's suddenly too quiet or anything from time to time, try to cheer her up a bit....

browniebaobao SG

can start by getting a diary for her..

one that both of u can share by writing down ur feelings lor..

Darkness_hacker99 SG

Bring her to roller coster ride, then tell her that there’s ups and downs in life. Tell her to be strong and you’ll be there to support her when she fall.

Devil1976 SG

I tried with one of my long gone ex. before... It turned out PRETTY UGLY...? Laughing

browniebaobao SG

im curious abt the content. Twisted Evil

i have yet to meet someone who will share a diary with me.

i used to keep a diary whenever i get into a r/s..

but after break up, i dare not touch it again..

so.. i no longer keep one.

alexkusu SG

shared diary..

tried once

managed a few pages Mr. Green .v

hyperactivechatterbox SG

I think I understand your gf's feelings...
When I cry, I don't like people crowding around me. I prefer to be left alone, to sleep it over.

But I think the best thing you can do at that moment, is to just sit next to her and keep quiet, and offer tissues. When she's ready, she'll probably spill her thoughts. That is, if she is willing to share. Not that she doesn't trust you or anything, at the least in my case, it's some sort of insecurity thing..

I think that firstly, it depends on the problem, whether it is related to you or not. If it isn't, then you can probably lend a shoulder for her to cry on. Don't ask about the problem; wait for her to open up. Give her tissues and soothing rubs on the back etc.

Edited:

Or maybe she's just insecure.

Devil1976 SG

At 1st it was all the lovely dovey stuffs... But after a while when things got FARKED UP... With all the emotions and arguements written on the diary... It REALLY FARKED things up... Laughing

Yunhaier SG

It's not about helping; probably it's about changing a mindset and personality.

It will probably take years, even if you are doing it right.

Never stop relating yourself or sharing of emotional information; this is the only way to induce her out of her ivory tower, bit by bit.

P.S: There seemed to be some negative-vibes/issues during her early childhood development, which contributed to her 'style' of communication. Although there must be an understanding that not all things are said, but suppressing everything within doesn't classify under that category. In fact, it has probably become an emotional disorder, which will definitely affect the way she runs the relationship. Idea

Cheers