Husbands!

an_open_door SG

I am in the middle of a silent battle. My husband wants to quit as he finds the going too tough, that is, paying the bills and bringing up the kids. His job is go work and pay the bills. I do the rest. He comes home to a sparkling clean house, kids homework done, food on the table, clothes washed and ironed, bags packed ready for the next day. He eats his dinner in silence, goes into his room and spends the rest of the evening in front of the computer. Then bedtime. Ditto, ditto, ditto – Mon to Sat. Sunday, entire family goes to church, listen to the sermon, eat lunch, come home, nap, dinner, computer, bedtime. Ditto, ditto, ditto. All in silence. When I get him to discuss about local news or sunday sermon, he doesn’t want to talk, just says he wants to QUIT! I am a housewife and I face the 4 walls everyday. I think maybe I am going crazy! We have no financial problems, no mistress, kids ok. No friends or in-laws. It’s so lonely and silent. Wherefore does the problem lie? :

MosPosterior SG

Time to call your husband go start a business already... Laughing

dragg SG

your english is quite good. i think it is fair to assume you are educated.

why dont you work?

leo-kun SG

trying to create chance for him to talk to you..like doing something he enjoy ….sports ..shopping or whatever…

dakkon_blackblade SG

I think what you are facing is a problem which is actually quite prevalent amongst married couples these days – boring, enervating work, fading of romance, lack of communication. It’s probably best to consult a marriage counsellor about how to revive your marriage.

an_open_door SG

Thanks for the compliment! I studied up to 'O' levels but I love to read n read n read. I have tried looking for a part-time job but the offers are really miserable, a tuition coordinator agency offered me $3 an hour, an education centre offered me $6 an hour. If I go out to work, I get a part-time maid to help me clean the house, it costs me $10 an hour. I used to get $3500 per month but of course that was 10 years ago before the kids arrived. My personal advice to the younger ladies out there is NEVER give up your career for your family for too long. You will not make it back there and when the kids are grown, they really don't need a full-time mum and you are stuck.

I have tried getting the husband to "wake" up. We have been to overseas holidays, shopping, movies, picnics, bbqs etc. I have to organise all these activities, he just seems emotionally absent during all these outings. The shopping trips got so bad, he was just dragging himself around, I now do the shopping either on my own or with my kids. I thought maybe he feels less of a man since these activities are organised by me, so I tried asking him to organise an outing or holiday, but he did not know how to do it. So I discreetly gave him some agency names and left him to learn. He started to give all sorts of excuses and in the end I had to do it. Even eating out is a problem. I have to do everything. Once I asked him to order, but the kids did not eat what he had ordered cos he does not know what they like to eat, since he never talks to them. Then he got angry, shouted at me and said he "bo-chap" and will leave me to do all this. I told him that he has to learn what the kids like, but I can't get through. He has never been involved in their studies or their lives. It seems he has just been following behind like a black shadow. I have not realised this, but I am beginning to see it now. He must be a very unhappy man. Yet he can't speak up his problems. I try to ask him for his opinion on anything, the elections, changes in the education system, he says he doesn't know. He's got no opinions on anything. What else can I do?

dakkon_blackblade SG

Sounds like your husband is in some sort of mid-life crisis. Counselling is really a must.

an_open_door SG

I have suggested counselling to him. He wants ME to look for a counsellor. Should I? I am his wife, not his mother! I have even cut out a list of counsellor agencies and given it to him. He thinks the problem is ME so I should get the counsellor.

skid SG

I'm not sure the problem is with you. I think first he needs to admit the marriage needs help then seek counseling together...perhaps your minister can help....

best wishes to you and your family. Smile

pretzel SG

Erm, how is your sex life?

elindra SG

Actually I think both of you should go to counseling together

Either that or the both of you should try breaking the routine.

I mean it seems like your life is running on clockwork right now and there is nothing different.

Leave the kids with your parents or in-laws and go for a short trip together or something

Do something different together as a family etc to break the monotony

FORGET-ME-NOT SG

The only problem is life too routine and boring. Maybe do something different. What is your husband interest before married?

Herzog_Zwei SG

I suggest that you ask yourself the following questions:
1.Firstly, how did you first meet your husband?
2.How well do you know about his medical history?
3.Is he bringing his problems at work to the home?
4.Does he know that he is causing his family to be disfunctional?

Right now, you are the only partner in the family that can be considered as functional. I know you are not his mother but consider this; if you were to fall ill, will your husband take care of you if he is in the right frame of mind?

I strongly urge not just him but both of you to take action together as a family to remedy the current situation. I will like to know your husband's age as schizoids tend to start having such problems from late teens to early twenties when their psychological characters are fully developed. You can read my thread on schizoid personality disorder and schizophrenia in the aunt agony forum for further info.

four-niner SG

Quit? quit what? quit his job or quit marriage?

I think maybe your hubby is tired of this life as one forumer say monotonous.

I have an ex-colleague, the wife seems nice but behind closed doors nobody knows, according to him later relate to me, they have 3 young kids, every day he goes home to a tongue lecture to the point that he doesn't want to go home, he even applied for overseas job and didn't tell his wife but offer was turned down.

Your case may be different but I can understand why he dun want to talk, maybe his work is preassure or he dun like wat he do but because family to feed no choice. or maybe IS YOU who expect family to have a certain kind of lifestyle so he feels preassure. I think you have to come clean ask yourself if you have ever preassure him. Maybe you shud get a job to help out with family finances tho you say there no money problem.

Getting a job would show him you are independant you may suddenly see a change in him when he feels you don't really depend on him there some common thing now, you work... he work, he may feel less preassure or he may feel guilty he treated you shabbily, getting a job also an insurance to unknown future also keep yurself occupied improve yur circle of friends.

try bring the subject of going to work to him and see what he says and observe his reaction

an_open_door SG

Problem is both our families broke down after we got married. His mom separated from his dad, who was an alchoholic and gambler. She lives alone and is on medication for anxiety and panic attacks. None of her grandchildren knows her. She lives her own life. His 2 brothers divorced. We only meet for the CNY 1st day. My parents marriage broke down a few years ago, followed by my dad's death. My mom is not on talking terms with all of us as she has so much hurt and anger in her. My 2 sisters are singe, unemployed and also seeing counsellors for their own emotional problems. My brother also went thru a painful divorce. There is no one to take over our kids. We have managed ALONE all these years.

My husband used to enjoy sports and occasionally gambles with his friends. I used to be very sporty too and used to organise gathering at my home. We would laugh and joke and have plenty of food on the table. However, eversince all the family problems overtook our lives, we gave up everything. It was a struggle just to get the kids to school and back and we finally got into a routine these two years. That's why we never realised the cracks until now cos we were too busy just surviving as we experienced the breakups all around us.

zma1 SG

I went through the same phase with my wife earlier in my marriage. I was on the computer/reading most of the time at home, my wife was suffering from depression. We went to see a marriage counsellor but it did not help matters much. In the end, on the verge of a divorce, we both made a commitment to save the marriage (not just for the sake of the kids, but for ourselves). Now, we communicate more, we have a date once a week (without kids) and things are better.

I would suggest that you forget about those "Christian" f**kwits because I came across them before. They "cursed" us by blaming all our misfortunes on our not going to church etc - e.g. my wife had a miscarriage before and my Christian neighbour attributed that to us not be "religious" enough. Which is BS. That very same nut case neighbour suggested that I make my kids drink their own urine every morning!

You and your husband need to work first on communication - try to find some time alone, to talk about what you used to talk about when you were dating, your dreams, hopes etc.

four-niner SG

Maybe your hubby misses the old life where your family used to do things. One thing is some guys DONT LIKE women to boss them ard, they may keep quiet but it dun mean consent, initially it can be flattering having someone take the initiative doing all the things, arranging this or that but too many time after a while it can be negative, things get swept under the carpet he dun say you dun know but once quarrel all this comes out. communication is the key.

Regarding religion, it is very impt to have common religion for family harmony this should not be forced and both spouses must agree willingly.

Though I'm sort of christian is not my place to say abt other churches but I know this ... god is very simple only, if you find that your life borders on near hysteria or doing very extreme things then that is not being christian and is not what god is abt.

A good example would be David, during his life he suffered very much, his life is a constant cloak and dagger intrigue, he either was always running after his enemies or he running away from enemies, and he killed a lot of people and even harmed his own men so he can steal other peoples wife but he had a relationship with god and god with him, when he do thing wrong god punish him just like any father would discipline a son. But he never dwell on those punishments. The point I'm making is god always forgives no matter what kind of scoundrel you are and a relationship with god is very simple only.

But if as your christian group say god will curse you if you do little bit wrong then I think David would never have become king and jesus would not be born of his line later on either.

a_splash SG

i think that is the problem when couple are too cooped up with their duties on children etc....we were so busy, then one day we wake up and find we 'lost' connection with our other half....

i think routine also kill the fun of family life. although you have been organising activities but if this activities don't interest him or he just don't feel the belonging, its of no use i think, its like physically there, mentally not there...

my hubby and i, on and off, we feel overwhelmed by the 'boredom' too....once in a blue moon we will try to find some new things to do with the kids (it was not too convenient to put the children with relatives and besides both of us want them around us, every individual has diff needs, but of course it would be easier if we can just hv some time to ourselves). i used to be the one suggesting this place and that...but i don't know if he just tag along or he is also interested, so make him suggest places....but need to give him time...so only once in a blue blue moon he suggest a place...no need too complicated lah...don't make him call this and that...they will rather don't...haha....just anyplace in Singapore...or he suggest then u make the arrangement also can...at least he felt its his idea and somewhere he want to go...lead him towards taking initiative to bring the family out....

anyway....i think its something normal to go thru, esp if we were not careful to see that we try to connect on the way...

does he like the company of the children?

my dad felt left out too....we used to hear him complain to my mum 'yalah you and your children, one gang one lah'

some guys (in fact many i think) have difficulties when come to connecting with the family members ( i don't know why) Wife need to make effort to bring them esp the children and the dad together so that the dad felt himself PART of the family.....just my own view....(maybe some modern men are not so)

i try to engage my hubby in everything i do with the children since their birth, still trying very hard...cos he is haizz...i don't know how to say...he love the kids very much...at times can be like a mother hen too... Razz but just don't know how to strike that bonding with the children... Rolling Eyes

...and we also almost wanted to divorce for some reason...but after i cool down, and think thru, i ask him if that was what he really wanted...and the answer was no....so we talk about it and start things all over....things were so much better than before....

for you, think since your hubby is quite 'lock up ' in his own 'world' now, not able to find connection with u and children, maybe counselling could help....

talk about what u and him want the family to be.....lead him towards taking initiative to bring the family out....

let me share with you this....someone we know, due to hubby's biz fail etc etc etc.....wife suggest join christian...hubby tag along...then they also join some other club....ended up both now preparing for divorce, cos wife now find hubby boring.......so u see no use joining this and that....when connection is not there all the physical activities don't help much....

need two hands to clap....

sorry for the loso post... Razz Embarassed

a_splash SG

by the way, work problem could also be his source of stresss and problem leading him to wanting to 'quit' all these........

a_splash SG

ya and don't think that when we do everything so nicely and let them have comfortable home to come back to will 'keep their heart' Razz

i have hear of a case...hubby felt in love with someone cos that lady is more interesting than the wife whose every move he knows by hard and who keep the house spick and span and feed the children and him well....so a 20 over yrs marriage was gone cos he wants 'excitement'