1st break up, cos of misunderstanding. but we patched back
again.
2nd break up, he treated me like shyt, ignored me for weeks, and
was getting very close to a girl. been smsing her everyday, call
her dear, tell her he really miss her alot, and.. "wo ai
ni"..
it was a bad breakup. i couldnt believe it. 1yr. gone like that. i
still feel for him. but nvm. i was determined to forget him.
abt a week later, he msged me, ask me hows life W/O HIM. i told him
everything was fine, and i admitted i still kinda miss him. from
there, we kept smsing each other again, went out, AS FRIENDS
ONLY.
he apologised and apologised, den kept asking me to go back to him
again and again. he said he really felt nth for the girl, just
friends. but.. i really find it ridiculous, would friends do
that?
the thought of him trying to get near a girl whom i've constantly
asked him to STAY AWAY from, pisses, saddens me. not only that,
while he was at it, he gave me all sorts of nonsense, "don bother
msging/calling me, i wanna study" yet, behind me, he was busy on
phone with her. as he was famous for being a flirt, i really don
feel secure lor.
anyway, so about a mth later, yes, again im dumb. dumb enough to
patch up again. alright, this time, he treated me really well.
seems weird right? look, i been through his shyt for a year, i
tried trusting him even after wat he done to me time and again.
many chances i gave him. so many promises. all in vain.
now in this 'new' relationship, i dunno wat happened to us, but it
seems like, the roles have switched. im the one giving him
nonsense, and him taking it. i mean, yeah i know im wrong for being
unreasonable to him at times, but.. i find it hard to trust him
anymore. its nt that i DON WANNA, i jus need more time.. to feel
his sincerity, to trust and have faith in him.
and the following will make me sound even more at wrong, becos
whenever we fight (actually, we quarrel everyday, i'll elaborate
more later), i would threatened to break, and he would never agree
to it. knowing that, i got more unreasonable.
finally, one day, he couldnt take it, and he let go. initially, i
was like "hmm, maybe i'll be happier, rather find sm1 new, sm1 whom
we wont bicker everyday, sm1 faithful & truthful to me"
i was wrong.
he let go, and never came back. there were times we smsed, always
wanting to chat, but too often, ended up quarreling, making each
other more pissed. i thought im able to forget him.. but as time
goes by, its been 2mths now.. exactly 2mths, and.... i still think
of him, always.
recently, i got myself attached, hoping for a better future. why
yes, this guy, he treats me really well. we clicked pretty good
too. hes my first bf who smokes, my ex-es all dont. so whenever we
kissed, theres this cigarettes smell which im nt used to. den, very
automatically, image of me n my ex, would jus appear in my mind, im
so used to his smells, the way he kissed, all for a year and
4mths.
my ex and I used to quarrel very often. too much doubts. but,
somehow, u may call me nuts, i think this is like our way of
communication. of cos there were days which was totally sweet too.
and everyday, we just have so much to talk/quarrel about. and not
to forget the "coaxing" and "apologising" and the "ok i promise to
buy u icecream k, don angry" kinda parts.
whereas currently, this r/s im in, is kinda quiet for me. becos,
everything is too peaceful. he lets me have things my way. hes got
a nice temper and even if im unreasonable, he doesnt care much, he
always goes "sure, as long as it makes u happy, i'll be happy too
=)"
so.. i find this r/s kinda boring.. and maybe, i just miss my ex
too much. whatever this bf of my does, in my mind, i would be like
"sighs, if only u're ____, he would have done it this way.." like,
keep comparing like that lor.. i also dunno why =(
and then, rmb the girl i mentioned, that my ex always wanna get
close to? yeah, she's my gd pal. we share probs. been frens for abt
3-4yrs? well, u might think im crazy to ask my ex to stay away from
her, like i don trust her and think she'll seduce him that kinda
stuff huh. but no, becos, shes a pretty girl. and.. i feel inferior
compared to her, really.
my ex, her, 1more guy and 1more girl, total 4 friends. no r/s or
whatsoever. they've been going out recently. i've seen the pictures
they took, in friendster. i've heard this girl-fren of mine telling
me "tmr we going ___, wanna come?" and i always feel this sourish,
pissed, jealous and this "feel like sms him and chat.. maybe in a
sarcastic way, like asking how's he with his new "gf" and stuffs"..
understand, pple? hais.
i dont really know what i want now. all i know is, my ex seems
pretty happy with his current life now. and that girl-friend of
mine chats with him quite often, she tells me he's forgetting me
now, like, left abit more to go before he's completely over
me.
maybe im selfish, i jus wanna see him happy when with me, not
others, esp girls. i don think its needed for me to go talk to him
again, and mess up his life now, but.. i.. really.. don like the
way i feel. i feel that i have to release something to him, i
dunno. but if i type those lenghty mails/msgs to him again, im
worried he might feel irritated, and if he doesnt reply, it'll keep
bugging me.
perhaps all the problems lies with me. i also know im treating my
current bf quite unfairly. sometimes we do things which me n my ex
did b4, i would accidentally blurt, and talk abt my ex. afterwhich
i realised i talk way too much abt my ex, i would always ask him
whether he angry or mind anot, and then reassure him, and joke it
away, saying things like "screw him la, its over liao, now only hav
u =)"
rats. i feel so.. like....... ahhhhh. i really dunno. i like my
current guy, he's very thoughtful and nice. yet i miss my ex thou
he's sucha b4st4rd. and the worst thing is, i still feel kinda
green & piss whenever i see those pics of him and that girl. of
so many pics, he puts up those thats only them 2, shoulder by
shoulder 
LOL.. god.
and talking abt pics.. last time, he damn reluctant to take pics
with me one lor. CCB. so now i see so many pics of him and that
girl.. i really is sibei du lan.. but theres nth i can do.. only
lanlan. 
god, can someone conclude smth and advise me?? i know my prob
sounds so entirely my stupid fault, like i pushed him away and
expect him to crawl back kinda thing.. but no.. its nt like that, i
never wanted it this way.. sighs.. but.... ahhhh i dunno. there're
so many things running thru my head everyday when i wake up. i hope
to see my ex's smses.. IM SO DUMB!! god. =(
wat do i do??
and anyway, to those who made it to this sentence, really thank you
alot for spending time reading this long long 'essay' of mine.
haha.
appreciates all helpful advices, will try to reply asap too, to you
guys' qns. =)
