advice?

last SG · 2006-05-18T12:00:17+00:00

As I understand, most gals who gave ALL in their r/s, emotionally and/or physically will result in feeling insecure.

lingster SG

first time posting..

i have been with my girl for almost 8 months already. i love her lots, and i believe she does too.

there are some problems in our relationship which i have been trying hard to address but with little success. i'm getting so frustrated and i dunnoe what to do.

my gf is 2 years my junior (i'm 20). before our relationship, she had some problems with her then bf and started flirting around with other guys. because of this, she constantly believes that there will be "retribution", and that i will do the same to her. this is despite me telling her that i will never do such a thing due to my love for her, as well as my personal beliefs.

i try my best not to make her feel worried, by not talking to other girls (even close friends), not going out with them and all that. but her jealous streak always seems to appear even when i do nothing wrong! when i suggested that we go on a double date with her best friend (and bf), she accused me several times of liking her best friend.

when at my friend's bdae chalet, a close female friend of mine sat next to me on the bench and talked to me, she also flare up and insisted that she was trying to flirt with me and all.

she will always get angry for no rhyme or reason, and give me silent treatments. she constantly accuses me of liking this girl that girl, when i haven even been in contact with them. her theology is that there is always a possibility, and she's just protectign herself. she has also mention break up several times but we always make up after that when i pacify her. everything that happens is directed towards me whether its my fault or not.

we meet up very occasionally whenever possible, as she is studying and im in the army. however, due to some outfield crap, im on long mc and we were able to spend more time tgt. she insists on being on the phone all the time when we are not tgt physically. i told her before i dont enjoy being on the phone for too long and i believe she understands why. but yesterday she called me so often that i started to feel suffocated as i was unable to do any personal things. when i told her i wanted to watch tv, she flared up and hanged up. i smsed her saying that all i wanted was to watch some tv, and that i should have some personal time to do this kinda things right? she ended up making a big issue out of it and saying many irrelvant things. she even said she doesnt know how to continue the relationship anymore. i told her lets have a cool off period.

i love my gf lots and she does treat me very well when she is not in her "mood". but we are having too many quarrels and im afraid this is going nowhere. i'm so tired of having to pacify her even for things which i didnt do. its happening so often such as once every 2-3 days. what should i do? i tried telling her many times not to get angry or jealous so easily and she always agrees. but it seems that promises are always meant to be broken (actual quote from her).

sorry for such a long post.

M©+square SG

hai...

If you love her, accept her. Time will tell everything.

The only advice i could give is to bear every single hardship and go through it together. Though it may sound vague, i hope you'll get it in time to come.

All the best.

curad SG

She does’nt have a sense of security..dun blame her…somegals r like tt,1 bad thing happen 2 thm,they will think other guys will treat them like tt 2…give her some time,sit dwn n tok things out….when there’s a will,there’s a way….givve each ther sometime.if u really love each other,accept each other’s bad points…

Pitot SG

yep. i second MC’s answer. After all, the reason why both of u are together is because of love. So bear with her for love’s sake. If you really do love her. SHe will learn to adjust when it is right.

pwnz0r SG

Ask her to sort out her own insecurity issues before moving on. Every relationship has some trust issues, but this is just pushing it. Obviously she doesn’t trust you until she solves it in her head. I advise you take her for counselling.

ölala SG

this kinda accept is bull shyt
Its calld insecurity

CKeer SG

I think u made the rite decision to give urself a cool-off period.

From ur point of view, yes, she sounds too demanding and too possessive. This is the time to carefully think of wad u shud do in the few weeks time.

1. Are u serious with her? As in, do u see a future with her? Have u mentally prepare urself shud u 2 tie knots?

2. Are there better girls around? Seriously speaking, if u're with her and u have the mindset of "other gals have better attitute than u", i suggest u cut ur ties with her.

3. Are both of u willing to compromise and take a step back? Is she willing to change and are u willing to accept?

4. Have u got urself ready to gain back her confidence?

5. Last of all, if u said that u love her alot, try asking this question. Did u make a mistake in sounding her when she had some problems with her then bf?

It takes 2 hands to clap and 2 to walk down the aisle. Wish u all the best and follow wad's in ur heart.

Cheers.
C.K

mistyblue SG

she only 18 ah?
Aye yah, Lay her and dump her...

But seriously, she's insecure. Nothing you can do to change her mind.
You can either wait for her to mature and perhaps one day she will change just like I am waiting for Everest to become shorter so that I can climb it.

I don't think you can do much. You can also accept her behaviour. But I doubt you want to do this lopng term. If not just tell her, it is her retribution or flirting in her past r/s and ask her if she want to move on.

All of it is how you want to see things.

Personally, I cannot stand insecure people. I cannot and do not ever intend to drop all my friends if my bf/hubbie feels insecure about my activities. This goes down to Trust. She does not have trust for you then what are you talking about r/s

lingster SG

hey all.. thanks for your replies. its appreciated.

i have been accepting her behavior.. seriously.. i have sarcrificed so much of my normal activties before i got attached, just so that there wont be any reasons for her to feel insecure or whatsoever. i dont talk to any girls on the phone, try not to go out with group of friends when there are girls in it, not going to chalets and parties cos there are girls, not going to pubs or clubs because there are girls, not playing mahjong when there is a female player on the table etc.

but for some strage reason she is able to find diff reasons to use on me. a male friend of hers, whom claims he loves his gf alot, told my gf tht he has a crush on another girl. so bcos of this fu

even in a tv show when a guy cheats on his wife or gf, i will get questioned!

sometimes because of this, i will receive silent treatments until i can pacify her.

i love her a lot but im not sure how much of this i can handle anymore. is it gonna happen all the time? i thought by showing her total devotion for the past 8 months, she will understand tht my love for her is true and that im not some bastard out to cheat her feelings. but instead, things just gets worst...

mistyblue SG

sometimes love just ain't enough

Its her mind that is warped. Hyou are picking up her pieces. Your lifestyle change 360 for her also no use. She is still will only see the pieces and make you go round and round

CKeer SG

Hi.

I think the best is too have a heart-to-heart talk with her. From wad u're saying, she does indeed, sound like a demanding and possessive galfren. In my opinion, I think that it's becos of her previous failed relationship. She has since lost her confidence in relationship.

Try to gain her confidence back. I'm not telling u to do stuppid things like "I'll kill myself to show u my love!" or "Let me cut my wrist for u!". 18 years old and she's schooling eh? Maybe u can walk her home after school. Find a cosy spot to sit where there're not many people around(for privacy reasons). Chat with her to find out wad's happening in school.

Dun purposely avoid the places with gals. Bring her along. Den in front of those that u noe, sing her praises (not sweet-talk mind u!). Tell everyone why u fell for her. Let her noe that she's important to u.

I hope my advice works. All the best to u!

(p.s DO NOT use words like "break" or "don't care" during conversation. Some gals get agitated upon hearing)

Cheers.
C.K

dinky1409 SG

Hey there.. She's just feeling insecure, and I know it feels suffocating sometimes but, always always remember don't get your emotions get the better of you at that particular moment of time. We guys must have a lot a lot of patience in moments like this. Look at it in another way, she did all that because she loves you a lot thats why. 2 separate individuals are bound to have conflicts and misunderstandings but the very very bottom line is that both of you love each other deeply. Knowing that, the relationship is worth it. Throughout the relationship, must give and take and also learn to adapt to each other lah.
What you are going through, some of it is very similar to mine. The not liking to talk on the phone, the insecurities of other girls, and so on. But hey, it's 44 months for us this Sunday and it's still going strong. So take your time to think about it but don't make a regretful decision. You love her a lot, and she loves you too. That's all that matters... Wink

browniebaobao SG

Have a gd talk with her, ask her to give u some breathing space..

but do it tactfully.. or she will think that u want a break up.

I believe she loves u, and is afraid of losing u.

U are in the camp most of the time, that's why she will feel lonely or insecure ba.

Yunhaier SG

She has reinforced her belief so formidably that it creates a self fulfilling prophesy, that's for you to eventually dump her. This 'retribution' is an implanted fear mechanism that is coaxing her to keep an emotional distance away from you. Probably because of her existing love for you every time when she finds herself becoming emotionally intimate/close to you, this fear is triggered and immediately, some false contexts are taken from reality and justify her self-induced melodrama.

These are illusions spawn to entertain her twisted emotional mindset.

It's beyond logics - it's an emotional defect.

You can probably throw what you got at her and pacify her soul momentarily, but give her few days; she would probably revert back to that original mindset because Venus is afflicted. The beauty of Love has been warped to a form of physical possession and bondage.

MC suggested accepting it - my take is that, you are just suppressing yourself until implosion occurs. And it will definitely occur if things continue along this direction. I am pretty sure that she would probably remain the same, until the advent of some drastic event/s. It's MORE than just changing; its about shaping a mindset.... and to alter someone's mindset is an incredibly daunting feat.

If you want to influence someone's mindset, you got to enter her spirit and nurse whatever injury that is fuelling that negativity. Although I hate to say it, but sometimes, aberrant mind games coupled with rhetoric can do wonders for people like her. Because she has made herself a protagonist of a tearful tale, you can go along that 'plot'... then subconsciously seize that position of a 'director' and control that flow of scenarios, thoughts and feelings that is incorporated into her belief.

Her self-made prophesy is as powerful as an impervious fortress. Years of depressing, sick and negative thoughts has conjured millions of ' undead warriors' that would take years to decimate and breach through. Some people remain this way for eternity, because nobody could lead a successful siege and win. And when they failed... they add more ranks to the 'undead warriors', making it even HARDER for the next foolhardy adventurer to attempt.

Forget about surface pacifying - go inside, explore what's wrong and heal them. Idea

Cheers

alexkusu SG

hor...thats new..coming from you Laughing

cornyfish2000 SG

I have the exact same problem as the threadstarter... and believe me, she will never be able to shed that suspicious mind. NEVER. No matter what you do, what you tell her, what sacrifices you make. NEVER. And i'm speaking from personal experience. And for me, it's been almost 5 years.

Basically you've got to ask yourself if you can accept all that behaviour from her for as long as you two are together. If you can't, then i'm afraid she's really not the girl for you. Neutral

Devil1976 SG

Originally posted by Yunhaier:

She has reinforced her belief so formidably that it creates a self fulfilling prophesy, that's for you to eventually dump her. This 'retribution' is an implanted fear mechanism that is coaxing her to keep an emotional distance away from you. Probably because of her existing love for you every time when she finds herself becoming emotionally intimate/close to you, this fear is triggered and immediately, some false contexts are taken from reality and justify her self-induced melodrama.

These are illusions spawn to entertain her twisted emotional mindset.

[b]It's beyond logics - it's an emotional defect.

You can probably throw what you got at her and pacify her soul momentarily, but give her few days; she would probably revert back to that original mindset because Venus is afflicted. The beauty of Love has been warped to a form of physical possession and bondage.

MC suggested accepting it - my take is that, you are just suppressing yourself until implosion occurs. And it will definitely occur if things continue along this direction. I am pretty sure that she would probably remain the same, until the advent of some drastic event/s. It's MORE than just changing; its about shaping a mindset.... and to alter someone's mindset is an incredibly daunting feat.

If you want to influence someone's mindset, you got to enter her spirit and nurse whatever injury that is fuelling that negativity. Although I hate to say it, but sometimes, aberrant mind games coupled with rhetoric can do wonders for people like her. Because she has made herself a protagonist of a tearful tale, you can go along that 'plot'... then subconsciously seize that position of a 'director' and control that flow of scenarios, thoughts and feelings that is incorporated into her belief.

Her self-made prophesy is as powerful as an impervious fortress. Years of depressing, sick and negative thoughts has conjured millions of ' undead warriors' that would take years to decimate and breach through. Some people remain this way for eternity, because nobody could lead a successful siege and win. And when they failed... they add more ranks to the 'undead warriors', making it even HARDER for the next foolhardy adventurer to attempt.

Forget about surface pacifying - go inside, explore what's wrong and heal them. Idea

Cheers [/b]

I think your post would be too CHEEM for him to truly comprehense and follow....? Laughing

Devil1976 SG

No offence, but I think your gf's really too paranoid?

It should be quite obvious by now that your gf's having a sense of insecurity... Which should be due mainly to her emotional baggage from her previous relationship.... A possible minor contribution to the former could be her immaturity in handling a relationship... The MAJOR further CONTRIBUTIONS should be YOU....

As much as I understand you love her... Your LOVE for her in the form of 'shielding' and 'protection' has also inevitably shielded her self-confined mindset (for more information, pls refer to Yun's reply). Her deep belief that something bad might just happen to her relationship anytime and you being the bf should have a major role to go for it... Her 'protection mindset' (known as 'delusional mana protection' in Devilism) has been serving her well for till today... And you have also indirectly turned 'slave' to her mindset (the 'protector' of her mindset and hence the one to ENHANCE her BELIEF...).. Realise by now that she has already confined herself within a narrow mindset belief, which has been further locked and protected by YOU....

The 'addictive' part of the whole picture is that she can 'magically' draws you CLOSER to her (in your attempt to protect her) which would somehow gives a 'smoothing' effect on her insecurity... If you may think of it in another way... It's really like 'drug'... A 'dose' to give her her comfort.. Leaving her wanting more... 'Dosage' often can tend to increase over time (just a matter of personal appetite for it)... In her case, it's pretty bad... And YOU as her bf takes pride in doing so... (in your perceptive, bringing her 'comfort' and 'security') Which in reality is really just an upbring of her unhealthy habit which you can no longer upkeep when her appetite is too big for you to handle... At this point if you're already feeling the 'stress' and 'unreasonable demands' within her, I can tell you this would probably be just the tip of the ice berg if things are to carry on with its current forms....

I won't quite agree with what some of the other forumites have suggested on just 'loving her' and let time tell based on the above scenerio? It'll be quite unlikely for things to just turn for the better unless there're other external factors changing the situation (no thanks to you).... On serious thoughts, the chances are things to get much worse than reasonably better due to external factor(s) would be alot higher....

Then we come to the point of your request... What should you really be doing now...? Ask yourself these... "If your gf is doing drugs, would you just give it to her to make her happy...?" Would you just deprive her of it even though it might mean that she might really HATE you for it...?

Personally, I think your FOCUS for now should be to get your relationship back on a 'healthy mode'.... Yes, I understand that (and you should understand this too) in the process and attempt of trying to turn things over in a different direction, you might just risk losing her anywhere along the line at any point.... But you'll just have to know what you want in this relationship... BOTH for her and for yourself.... Do you want it a long-term? Or you just wanna be with her for so long as you can hold her still...?

Don't make it as the problem lies on her.. To be fair it really isn't the whole picture... It's with both of you (though technically it's quite fair to say she holds the 'seed' to the issues, but that really shouldn't matter for now...).... So the ROOT of things are still the RELATIONSHIP itself... Let her UNDERSTAND that the relationship is not going healthy... And it's really quite bad for the both of you being together... That you wish to remedy this so that you can stay long term with her (only if you mean so)....

EXPLAIN the WHOLE PICTURE to her and lead her the way OUT of it... Just like the way you'll try to explain things to a person on drugs... Understand that it'll take 2 people to fully facilitates everything so that things would work...

Let her know that you REALLY wish to make her a HAPPIER PERSON... And not one living in her insecurities at this point... Worrying for every points and days to come... And seek her permissionfor you to help her walk happily out of her shadows.... To be NOT afraid of this world though failures might be around... And to stand even closer together to each other in this 'fight'.....

XiaoBlurGal SG

You can’t compromsie her everytime. A relationship is a two way thing. Think it’s best if you two have a good talk about this now.

dcx SG

Why bother to always keep pacifying her?

If you can't talk her to sense or to make her realise the problems, then let her feel n see for herself.....for i see no point that you keep pacifying her...

She has to realise by herself....18yrs old onli....still a far stretch of road ahead of her... Laughing