Very uncommon & serious family problem

last SG · 2006-03-19T14:23:28+00:00

Tell her NICELY to see a COUNSELLOR... And to REALLY MAKE AN EFFORT to change her attitude... And the family's looking forward to a BETTER HER... Let her und...

Nikar SG

Hi all,

I really hope someone can share your advice here. It's greatly appreciated. The root of all the problem is my sister.

First of all, my family has 5 members : my dad, mom, myself, my sister and my brother. I'm the eldest(20 years) and my sister(18 years) is second-eldest; my brother is youngest and he's only in Sec. One.

Since we were kids, my sister always has a very very terrible temper and a vicious personality that seems to get worse with age. Her mentality and behavior since she has a kid till now has always been that :
-if you do something nasty to her, she'll pay you back triple or more
-if she's nice to you, then she has a motive behind it(always the case)
-if you do kind things to her, she'll suspect that you plan to back-stab her
-if you tell her that a certain thing is wrong or she should change her mindset/behavior, she'll either pretend she never hear or will scream very very fierecely back at you; she will not accept any kind of feedback
-she has a must-win attitude in every scenario; if you scold her, she'll talk back until she wins the argument; if you eat 5 cookies, she must eat 6 or more cookies than you.

Normally, grown-ups like 18 years old(JC education, somemore) won't pick on little kids and siblings for little nitty-gritty things, but in her case, she has been shouting and verbally abusing my younger brother for no reason.
Here's some real-life examples :

-Whenever my brother dirties up the table after eating and my mom or me wipe it for him, she'll get very angry and uncomfortable and start verbal abuse on him

-Whenever my brother does a little thing to annoy her(un-intentionally) like speaking too loudly over the phone etc., she'll start verbal abuse, scolding him and cursing him non-stop for 10 - 15 mins a lot of times, and the tone is so scary that it's as if she's scolding her worse enemy(or someone who has killed her children)

-Recently, my mom told me to give some pocket-money to my brother since I've started working. I, the one who gives the pocket-money to my brother, have no problem with it. But my sister is very jealous and angry and she keeps verbal-abusing again whenever this subject got brought up.
If she's a small kid and she gets jealous/angry over this matter, fine. But she's going to be an adult soon(18 years old) and going to the university soon! Where can you find a big sister that keeps picking and verbally-abusing someone much younger than her?

-Sometimes, we've chocolates and snacks or ice-cream back home. Whenever my brother unintentionally eat one more chocolate or have 1 more serving of ice-cream than her, she'll get really extreme towards him and the verbal abuse is totally crazy. In addition, she starts to stomp the floor loudly and slams her things around.

-There's also times when, after eating or using the kitchen ultensils to cook her own stuff, she just leaves the ultensils in the kitchen and my mom/me has to remind her to wash it. And she has the cheek to ask my brother to wash his own plates?

-She doesn't know anything about consideration for others. At 11pm or midnight when everyone is sleeping, she still switches on the TV loudly or blast the radios(louder and louder these past weeks)

-Worse still, whenever she's watching TV in the living room and my brother is in the living room too, her left eye seems to be watching the TV and her right eye seems to be keep watch on my brother and finding fault with him.
Once she finds any mere fault, she goes in again and start verbal abuse.

My brother has a very meek, pleasant and those easily-pushover kind of personality. I told him to scold back and fight back, but he keeps saying no.

During her JC days and the A-level exams, whenever she studies and there's things she doesn't know, she throws a big temper again and upset the whole family.
Recently, the problem has got worse. Now that she's working and everyday when she comes home, she'll throw a terrible temper around the house and affect everyone's mood. Did you know that when she's out with her friends and there's only me, my mom, my dad and my brother in the house, everything is so blissful and happy?

The problem has got more serious these few weeks to the extent that we're moving the entire home PC from her room to the living room, so that my and my brother don't have to see her attitude or endure her temper whenever we use the PC(currently in her room).
My father, who used to dote on her a lot(I think more than me), has started to turn against her and sick of her behavior already.

I mean, my, my brother, my mom and dad don't deserve all these.
My dad comes home during 6 - 7 pm every day only to see my sister throwing tempers and abusing her brother?
My mom is at home most of the time, so she's really bearing the brunt of it.

For me, my sister doesn't dare to shout or go against me yet. I've been trying to maintain neutral ties with her, because if I start to scold her everytime she throws those sickening tempers/verbal-abuse my brother, the family would only get more worse-off. I now dread weekends and think that weekdays are better, because my sister stays at home during weekends more. Everything I see her throw those out-of-control tempers or treat my brother like some dog, I feel like grabbing her and throwing her out of the window, whatever it takes to rid her. I've been controlling myself but this may get out of hand one day.

Can someone please help me and analyse the root of the problem and find solutions for me? I've been thinking of beating her with the TV controller(not too lethal) everytime she throws temper/abuse my brother or knocking her against the wall........is this a good idea?
I'm not scared of her calling the police if I beat her, though. She's in the wrong and someone must do something before she gets worse and worse by the minute.
Hiring a counsellor is useless; she's always very sweet and nice to outsiders, but to family members, it's a different story. Even if the counsellor really thinks that she has a problem and advice her, her strong-will will not listen to any feedback which implies that she need to change.

Thanks,
Nikar.

january SG

you have to change her. do not quarrel with her, just keep talking to her normally and frankly that what she is doing is not right for the family and most importantly, herself.

to change her, you also need to change yourself, as in your persuasion ability and conversation manner. so you also have to upgrade yourself to see how you can change her.

it is going to take a while so be patient.

i know that life has been unfair to you in this sense. but that is the way it is. be understanding to your sister plight. although what she did was wrong, nobody choose to become what they are.

so remove anger and dislike.

lastly, i wish you success.

applesweetgirl SG

i seriously think you are picking on your sister.
it's like you are magnifying her flaws.

ceecookie SG

put rat poison in ur sister's coffee to get peace in the family Laughing

mamamamama SG

She's a monster Shocked

FBI SG

try asking your parents if they have picked up the wrong child in the past

browniebaobao SG

Hi Nikar!

Was wondering why so long nv see u post already..

well, ur mum is always like that? Since u were a kid? If not, it could be that she's gg thru menopause.

ur sis.. being the middle child.. im sure she juz wana get some attention from u all.. and probably bcos she's the only girl, ur parents could have spoilt her when young. Love will change a person. Wait till she finds a bf. Wink

Ur bro.. hmm.. I would be happy if I have a brother like him. Laughing

Li Ka Shing SG

Hi,

Assuming that you are being rather objective and not magnifying her flaws,

I think,

Your sis might be jealous towards your youngest bro, because he is the youngest and most doted/ most protected. So she might feel some resentment and special dislike towards him.

Solution:

I dont know.

jam on a bread SG

Everytime she scolds your brother, ask your parents to beat her up….very badly. She’s hopeless from the way you phrase it.

^spidee^ SG

This seems like an extreme case of sibling rivalry.. looking at the age gap between your sister and your younger brother, could she be feeling jealous of him? As in him getting the most attention from your parents when she was the one your parents doted on most in the past?

Nikar SG

Thanks all. No no, I'm not magnifying her flaws.
My parents have noticed this worsening problem with her recently and after some talk with them, I realized that they've been controlling themselves all these while too. If I'm the only one "magnifying her flaws", then yoy might be right, but it's not the case here.

Anyway, BBB.........I've got a job already and have been working at it for almost 4 months. Smile Smile
Thanks for asking.

And yes, it could be extreme sibling rivalry. But 18 years old going to university soon VS. 13 year old kid whose voice haven't even break? Evil or Very Mad
We've talked with her but she just goes into her room and blast loud music so that she won't hear our comments.
I think must whack her jaw everytime she throws tempers already.

Also, if she's still a kid and she behaves like this, still easy to educate and change her. But she's now going into adult stage already........still possible meh? Trying changing the personality of the adults you know in your life. Of course not easy.

Anyway, what I want to know is : under a worse case scenario, can we file for her to be lock up in Girls' Home? Because she's still not 21 years old yet.
If not possible, then what about police report? Police got handle such cases anot?
Because she hasn't physically abuse my brother yet, you see.

Thanks,
Nikar.

gd4u SG

Will those family services centre give her some counselling ??

sammiegal SG

your sister sounds like she needs to lose her memory and get amnesia before anything changes. she's probably seeking for attention from your family (which she got) or there's something wrong with her life and she's taking it out on your younger brother.
poor thing though.. better make sure she doesn't go beyond the verbal abuse. if she realli hits him, you can try sending her to a girl's home. but it might just make her worse.

SingaporeMacross SG

lol, the boyfriend sure kena like hell....

browniebaobao SG

clap clap*

work towards 6 months and one yr ya~

Blueicez SG

Get your sis to read this thread....

why not tell ur parents to talk to her, tell her frankly that she's making the lives of everyone at home miserable. if she has a heart, stop all her attitude.... if not, just scram outta the house.

drx SG

haiz understand what you are going through,
You cannot beat her as she is your sister.
your parents cannot touch her as they have pamper her too much.
Just wondering why your sis do not have a bf as most girls her age would have the problem of coming home late rather then staying home at all.

The root of the problem is that you pamper her too much. Your family gives in too much. In the past a father should be the one who should have given her a good caning before she turn so bad.

ways to handle her.

1) stop her allowance, yes since she is not earning at all she will have to listern.

2) Ignore her completely, kick her out of any family gathering until she learns how to behave.

3) everytime she trys anything funny with your brother ask your mum to stop cooking for her. Since a person cannot learn to behave she does not deserve to be fed. Before anyone thinks i am cruel, think carefully.

4) Bring an outsider or ask your cousin to stay in your house. If your sister loves to pretend to be good lets see how long can she last.

ellisbeck SG

Hi Nikar,

This may take some time and effort.

Let's look at your sister's behaviour this way:

A --> B --> C

B represents her temper tantrums; A represents the antecedents (or possible triggering events that spur off her anger); C represents the consequences (or reinforcements).

Firstly, what are the As? What would usually sparkle off her temper tantrums? Your family did the right thing by moving the home PC to the living room, because that is equivalent to moving some possible triggers of her temper tantrums. Are there other triggering factors that your family can work on removing or moving? For example, if your younger brother is usually the person who would spark off her anger (even though he is not at fault), then advise or made arrangemetns for your younger brother to avoid her physically, i.e. maintain distance, or even move temporarily to a relative's place, etc. Don't see this as accomodating her, because you are not. See it as wanting to prevent her nonsense behaviour from happening.

Secondly, there must have been a lot of Cs in the past, that is, she must have been reinforced in the past. For instance, when she kicks up a fuss, all her family members react over it. I am sure all of you showed that you are upset. I am sure she may get some things going her way when she throws her tantrums. Now, this is the difficult part of it all - IGNORE her when she's throwing a temper tantrum. Pretend nothing is happening. Easier said than done, I know, but if nobody pays any attention to her, she would soon realise there is no point throwing her weights around because nobody notices. Don't give her what she wants too, when she throws her tantrums. For example, if she's kicking up a fuss about your brother taking one more piece of chocolate. Just let your brother continue with that piece of chocolate. No need to ask him to suddenly give it up because sister is getting angry. It is VERY important that she must eventually know that throwing temper tantrums is not the way to get things her way. After all, the world does not revolve around her. Now, her temper tantrums are likely to escalate with all the ignorance, because she would need to try harder to get your family members' attention, reaction, or what she wants. However, if all of you can pull through with your ignorance, there would come a time when her temper tantrums reach a peak, and then after which she would give it up. It's very hard to endure, let me tell you first. But if all of you succeed, the returns are worthy.

OK. From what I am hearing from your sharing, I must say your sister has been "rewarded" for the past 18 years when she throws her tantrums. That means, whenever she throws tantrums, she is often rewarded by her family members' attention, annoyance, or get her way. (Remember, negative attention, like scolding her, is also attention. You would still be acknowledging her anger when you respond negatively towards it.) It could be that this bad habit of hers is so in-depth that it would be highly difficult for her to reach her peak before such negative behaviour reduces. So if her tantrums become truly unbearable, I suggest you discuss with your parents to get a family counsellor. Get the family counsellor to work with all of you. You said she is likely to be nicer to strangers, so let a stranger give her a very clear message about how wrong her behaviour has been. Also, her behaviour is likely to be labelled as potentially abusive and may one day get her into trouble with the law. (Yes, abusing your own sibling is also against the law. BUT please, you or your family members should NOT be the ones telling her this. Let an outsider do it. If her negative behaviour subsides, then it wouldn't be a need for this message to be brought to her, since after all, you are one family.)

Now, we also want to encourage her to adopt the right behaviour. So, let's say B is "Not throwing temper tantrums". So you need to work on all the Cs (reinforcements) that you can to encourage her not throwing her temper tantrums. For example, when she is talking to anyone calmly (because there was no need for her to feel jealous or angry), tell her politely how much you all love to talk to her when she talks calmly. She may not be purposedly being nice, but encouraging her when she's NOT being nasty would work better. Coupling this, with the above ignorance when she throws tantrums, she would soon realise that being nice would earn her all the attention she wants. Also, she would also eventually learn that if she wants to get what she wants, she HAS to be nice.

Pretty hard work, but for the love of your own sister, it's worthy. If not, get professional help. Hope the above helps, somehow.

ellisbeck SG

Oh Nikar,

Sorry, I forgot.

You thought of hitting her back to silence her? Please don't because you are also modelling her behaviour, i.e. you are showing her that hitting out or being aggressive (verbal or physical) is the way to try to resolve issues. I am very sure you wouldn't want her to think that way.

Li Ka Shing SG

A thought just crossed my mind.

You might want to check your younger brother, and make sure he didnt do anything which caused her to behave like that.....have a talk with him.