Very uncommon & serious family problem

last SG · 2006-03-19T14:23:28+00:00

Tell her NICELY to see a COUNSELLOR... And to REALLY MAKE AN EFFORT to change her attitude... And the family's looking forward to a BETTER HER... Let her und...

tortoise55 SG

what i think is since the solf method of talking to her, or trying to understand her do not work, then you have to use the hard method. when ever she switch on the radio or tv loudly, swith it off. If she on it again, just switch it off again. or better, hide all the plugs as to prevent it from working. When she scream at your family, jus ignore her. How long can she scold and abuse you all, she will get tired de. Take it as she is invisable, she dun exist at all. worst come to worst, take out a PPO against her

Yunhaier SG

I think I have mention it in my initial post.

/me proceed to scroll through.

Think Sunrise sum it up. Laughing

Cheers

ellisbeck SG

[quote]Originally posted by Nikar:

Thanks a lot for your support, everyone! I'm really, really touched, but because of time constraints, I can only focus on the most pressing replies:

From EllisBeck:

quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now, this is the difficult part of it all - IGNORE her when she's throwing a temper tantrum. Pretend nothing is happening.
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But if we keep on ignoring her, wouldn't she get more and more daring?
In fact, for the past 5 years, I haven't quarrel a single time with her, although my mom and dad have, several times.
My ties with her is always neutral-good and that's because I never say out how much I wanted to bash her like a sicko whenever she abuses my bro and
throws extreme temper.

Nikar,

As I have mentioned in that same post (please read the entire post), her behaviour would continue to reach a peak. You and your family would have to tahan until that peak before she would stop. With initial ignorance, she would naturally try harder to be nastier to get what she wants, but you all need to hang in there before she realises it's not worth it. AT THE SAME TIME, all of you need to give her the positive attention when she is NOT nasty, and when she's calm and nice. Even if she does not mean to be nice, or she's just tired, praise her, and tell her how much you all like to talk to her when she's calm and nice. To be fair, just ignoring her and not returning her the attention when she's nice wouldn't work.

Yes, you may say you have not had any quarrel with her for a long time. What I mean is total ignorance, not even showing that you feel irritated by her, you get me? You may not have said it out, but I am sure your facial expressions would have given away that she has got what she wanted - to make you all angry.

PLEASE don't listen to those people who ask you to resort to violence, to hit her back, etc... (People, for goodness sake, please..) As I said before, if any of you do that, you are simply telling her that violence IS the way to solve problems, when it is apparently NOT. I am not a person that is into horoscope; I am a person into science, and in this case, social science. Nevertheless, there are kind souls out there who made suggestions according to horoscope, yet (for once..) are closer to what I advocate as well.

If you still feel vexed, PM me. I can give you further professional advice.

ellisbeck SG

I like what viciouskitty said. He/She has said part of what I have been trying to tell you, Nikar, he/she managed to do it in a more layperson and easier-to-understand manner than I did. Smile

Nikar SG

Thanks a lot, everyone, especially ViciousKitty and EllisBeck!

From Devil-1976:

When your mum said things about her to your aunties, is it in front of her or behind her back...? (pls answer this question as it's crucial...)

My mom told my aunts about her behind her back, through telephone conversations in Teochew when my sister isn't around.

From ViciousKitty74:

You can't do much to protect your younger brother. He most likely already know how to deal with his sister.

Actually, my brother has got rather used to it already. Nowadays, my sister can scream till all the neighbours can hear but my brother is quite oblivious to it, compared to the past. All I want is that he gets stronger and more aggresive before end of this year.

From CryoLind:

i think u can apply for PPO- personal protection order against her, especially for your younger brother.

But regarding PPO, do we apply it from the Neighbourhood police post?
Even if we get PPO for my brother, what does it do? will there be like, counsellors/police watching him 24 hours? Cannot be, right?

Thanks all! Smile
Nikar.

ubermagicseller SG

I think u are pretty much useless or a piece of junk who cant protect his own brother.

Whenever your sister throws a temper, scream at her. When she abuses your brother, do the same thing to her.

If you let her go on like that, she will think that everyone in this world owns her.

Time to [email protected] some senses into her.

ellisbeck SG

Can't say anything different of you based on your comments. Can you be any more constructive than that?

Devil1976 SG

Originally posted by Nikar:

My mom told my aunts about her behind her back, through telephone conversations in Teochew when my sister isn't around.

But regarding PPO, do we apply it from the Neighbourhood police post?
Even if we get PPO for my brother, what does it do? will there be like, counsellors/police watching him 24 hours? Cannot be, right?
[/b]

Try to hint a bit about her behavior in front of them WITH HER AROUND... Better still if your aunties can defend her image a bit... Then it's really up to her if she wants to uphold that good impression she've left for her aunties...

Err.... And about the PPO, I don't think it's really necessary for that...? Confused

SunRisE SG

Mr. Green

sammiegal SG

i think the PPO will make things even worse. your sister will even even more outcasted and she'll probably only act nice all the time. even so.. she's still your sister.

Nikar SG

[repeated post – moderators please delete this post; thanks]

Nikar SG

Hi all,

I've one pressing situation with this sister at the moment : recently, she vents her anger on things like the oven(slams the oven door very brutally till it almost broke), the fridge's door, the vacuum machine(roughly shove it and kicks it to get it to where she wants) and she even broke the toilet seat(I think she's so angry that time that she totally slams it down; she's thin, not obese).

What should we do to handle this issue now?

Thanks,
Nikar.

Devil1976 SG

Hmm... What is your age and her age again...?

The 'pressing situation' now is just one of the many possible ways of things following up... And it's certainly quite unlikely to give things a proper solution without looking into the roots of the problems..

You can try 'communication' with her... Or trying to keep her behavior in check using a bit of INDIRECT peer pressure....? What's her star sign?

ozzy-gurl SG

Hi Nikar...........

Going by my personal experience of what one of my older sisters was like to me when i was younger,here's some tips:

if she has that much disrespect that she is playing loud music late at night.....confiscate her stereo.

let her know that these things that she likes will keep being taken away from her until she starts acting her age,and being the responsible adult that she should be by now.

if she keeps it up,put a password on your pc,and dont let her know it,so she cant use it unless she has adult permission,then you have to physically type the password in for her,dont tell her what it is.

if she wants to use the things she likes,she will start to act her age.

spend a day with her,just you,her and your little bro,and tell her that if she cant treat him nicely,and take care of him like a big sister should,then there is going to be some very big changes in your family life.

never scold her while your telling her this....come to her like a mediator...not a father figure,you are her brother after all....not her father.

tell her how hard she is making life for your mother and father(through all that temper throwing,she probably doesnt actually see what shes doing to your parents),and be firm,but not too firm,when you put your foot down and tell her that if she keeps disrespecting your parents like that then she is not welcome in the family home.

it may seem a bit harsh...but it should make her wake up,and realise that she has pushed it too far.

counselling never works,because like you said,she wil put on an act for strangers.to make them think that she is innocent,and that she is the victim here.

take your little bro out,just you and him for a day at the movies or something,and tell her that when she starts treating both your little bro,and your parents with more respect,and once she has personally apologised to them,you will take her out and spend some time with her.

the fact that she hasnt yet used a foul mouth at you means that she respects you,and she would not dare to cross you.use this against her,but like i said.....nicely.dont ever lose your temper and yell at her,or threaten her.you will only push her away,and perhaps even forever.

i have seen this happen with a few spoilt brat friends of mine,so you have to tread lightly while gaining her trust.

goodluck.....i hope you can get her sorted out.

but i was serious when i said,let her know if she keeps it up she will have to leave the family home......this will shock her,but it should work Wink

all the best,.................Ozzy.

Nikar SG

Thanks a lot, Devil and Ozzy girl!
I'll try to bear some of your things in mind.

Today, things got a little worse. My bro brought his friend to our house to play some XBox games, and she started saying stuff about my bro and even indirectly(almost directly, actually) scolded my bro's friend too!!!!
This will really affect my bro's "face", especially since he got blasted at by his older sister in front of his friend. And for the friend, he's gonna have a bad impression and..... Confused

Got bolder???!!!!!
When she enters the university, is she gonna kill???!!!!
(actually, if she starts using violence, we'll have a damn good excuse to send her off)

Lastly, is it good to use sarcasm on her? Like indirectly "suan-ning" her in a manner that hints at her wrong behavior?

Thanks,
Nikar.

irenenergy SG

she's always very sweet and nice to outsiders, but to family members, it's a different story.

i guess she had some probs wif her frens.. dats y shes been treating outsiders v sweetly so as to get em on her side.. n she might not doing well wif em, so she vent all her frustrations to ur family, as family being e closest to her, would not mind letting her get off all her anger on them.. blood is thicker dan water, dats y she didnt constrain herself on doing mean things to ur younger bro.. due to e love she was given by ur parents in her earlier years, e more she tinks dat it wasnt wrong of her to do such tings, and dat she deserved much more attention frm ur family dan to ur younger bro.. i suggest dat u try gettin to noe her social life?

Devil1976 SG

No, that would probably just result in a meaningless debate...

Actually... I would quite like to second what Ozzy gurl has suggested except that you shouldn't be pushing her too far off into a corner... If she turns too resentful, her attitude towards the family just might be so much worse in the future...

Ito_^ SG

sounds like me when i was young.. could it be her school that is affecting her? jc culture isn't all sweet and friendly. she could be very insecure about her environment like i did.. but still different ppl different problems.

i dunnoe how to solve it, but in general i know wad u shld avoid imo. mainly becuz my parents chose those.. sarcasm, avoiding her will not help but make things worse. don't talk bad behind her back too. don't call her names. don't scold her intentionally over her personality including screaming or yelling because she would probably remember it in her heart. don't change ur attitude suddenly too, because she wouldn't know how to react.

maybe. her reaction when u're kind to her isn't entirely because she is suspicious, but she probably doesn't know how to react in the first place.

¡ÚTearsofTheMoon¡Ú SG

Firstly,

If i were in your shoes, i definetly won't resort to violence, but rather talk it out with her calmly with all the other family members, the first time might result in different views but slowly, patients the key to success

Secondly

Maybe you could engage your sister's friends in talking her out, but letting her know how you feel whenever her temper arise.

Anger-management is wad she need now. All the best to you!

*Cheers*

Nikar SG

(irene)

i suggest dat u try gettin to noe her social life?

thanks irene! maybe, but it can't be the problem. she's getting so well with her friends but her character has been like this since the start of time when she was 3 - 5 years old.

(Ito)

ha ha....thanks Ito....but no. long before she went into JC, she already like this. only that the problem now getting worse and worse.

when she was a kid and my mom scolded her for doing wrong things, she will curse my mom under her breathe and talk back.
when she was in her 9 - 16 years old, she also talk back, but never openly throw those extreme tempers.
now.......it's slamming doors, ovens,.......violent acts......you get it.

i also notice that when she throw those mad tempers, she'll cool down a little bit(only a little bit) after sometime and keep sighing to herself a lot of times and saying "whoa lau eh!", the sigh again, slam door/stomp floor, sigh again and say "whoa lau" and repeat for a long time.

does this mean that when she gets into this state, we should act immediately and show attention on her? because seems that from this act, she needs attention?

thanks,
nikar.

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