Whilst others are used to complaining about their lack of
self-esteem and self-confidence, I guess I will have to do the
direct opposite.
I have recently come to realise that I have attitude problems,
particularly my overflowing self-confidence. True enough, I do not
see this attribute of mine as a "problem" to be combatted, nor a
"weakness" to be overcome, but just an innate trait of mine which I
am surprisingly proud of and willing to own up to. This is
essentially my issue -- I tend to think that I am perfect. Some
people say this is optimism or harmless positivity, but others like
to put it in other ways: narcissism, cockiness, self-denial and the
list goes on, which is of course, a constant cause for concern. The
more people tend to renounce me for being "arrogant," "boastful"
and a "show-off," the more I feel the need to alter my attitude and
rectify things. Eventually I had to succumb to social pressure and
change my intrinsic qualities, which is very much like cheating
myself if you think about it.
Firstly, I would like to honestly admit that I am a considerably
good friend. I consider myself an excellent listener (I do not only
trust myself, I have received various feedback on this), a helpful
person and a fair entertainer. People say I inject humour into
their lives, and I can only feel like I am over the moon when I get
comments which indirectly inflate my self-ego. But things
constantly turn sour when I start to make shameless, self-praising
proclamations, or comment on others in a negative fashion and tone.
I have the habit of making snide comments which insinuate that I am
better than others like, "look at that idiot; he needs me to teach
him how to sing" and "if you beat me in , I will lick your ass."
Yet these remarks are usually made spontaneously, with no blatant
intent or purpose. They are all done in the name of harmless fun,
yet no one tends to favour my point of view.
How am I so complacent in nature, you may ask? People say
confidence is a direct result of excellence. If one happens to
shine in a particular field, or possess something exclusive to
himself and maybe only a few fortunate others (like a smokingly-hot
girlfriend), he tends to exude self-belief and eventually builds a
superiority complex of his own; is that not right? That being said,
it is hard to remain humble once you become conscious of the fact
that you are better than the rest. What do we call this mindset
again, the we-them mentality? I consistently remind myself to
uphold humility, and that was exactly what my parents and teachers
reiterate from time to time anyway, but my self-control always
turns out to be in vain. I tend to regress to the we-them mentality
again whenever I feel that trying to stay modest does not change my
life and others' perception of me to a degree that is adequately
favourable; it does not have a tangible pay-off.
Perhaps it is my upbringing. There have been too many instances
where my parents reassured me that I am a brilliant, obedient,
mature, adorable and special child, and I even chose to believe
them verbatim. My primary school years were very memorable too, I
have never failed to be a Speech Day prize recipient every year,
and I later gained admittance to a reputable secondary school where
I continued to hone my academic prowess. I was outstanding on the
sports field as well, and one would also hate to admit that I am
pretty skilful with the girls. Yet I do not have a superstar
outlook; I am average at best. But yet others regularly tell me
that I am a fortunate individual (more crudely known as a lucky
bas-tard) -- I have almost everything an adolescent could yearn
for: marvellous grades, athletic proficiency, decent looks, a
fairly wealthy family to live within, dear friends and various
other talents. Yet I can still sense that something is amiss, a
portion of my life is incomplete and marred.
My teacher had once seen me personally -- she commented that my
essays reflected a high level of arrogance and smugness. True
enough, I agreed with her, and she said there was a pressing need
to address that issue, and that it should start from me. She
stressed that although she did not have to worry about my grades,
she had to worry about my alarming attitude and perception towards
others. To quote her: "I may have to worry for the rest when it
comes to their academic performance, but I do not need to worry for
them in a way that I have to worry for you. Forget spiting and
satirical remarks, you need to learn to assimilate with the rest."
At first, I really saw her words as a direct challenge to my
individuality, but then I thought it over again and she might just
be right. Being too individualistic has its drawbacks, and it would
seem to have successfully taken its toll on me. She even scoffed,
"Are you going to Raffles Junior College? You know that you will
fit right in, don't you?" obviously implying that big-headed people
belong to their kind. What I found ironic and hard to believe was
that she was a Rafflesian herself! Hell, I even followed her foot
steps.
After painstakingly detailing the crux of my problem, I really hope
that some kind soul can help me cope. Obviously it will be a
daunting challenge to try to change others' impression of me --
this is not what I want either -- but I seriously hope that the new
people I will soon meet see me in a more positive light, that is
all I ask for. People say that JC is a new page in everyone's life.
One can feel free to reinvent himself, individuate and basically
"fix" what they deem necessary, which is exactly what I am doing
now.
I need help, people. Thank you...
