Conflicting Signals: How?

social_misfit SG · 2005-12-25T09:56:37+00:00

from wat u said, she might had interest in u b4 but u were too dao… so most probably she already saw the light at the end liao, now she dun find u interestin...

social_misfit SG

Got myself into a little trouble with interpreting the signals from gal, and feeling quite confused whether to edge forward or to withdraw back from our relationship as friends a little.

This gal used to be nice to me. Not sure if by nature she's a very caring person who knows how to make her friends comfortable or she's especially nice to me. So I would not want to speculate since opinions are quite subjective. Basically I would say she's a nice friend to have, lending you a listening ear when you need someone to talk to and is very understanding. And I noticed that she used to do some weird things that I feel normal friends wouldn't do. For example, she would search on the Internet for my name (and their variations) and see if there's any domain names already registered and what sites are using them, and she would bother to watch my favourite TV shows to find out what's so interesting about them. And she once did asked me out a few months ago because we had a common interest, but I was not keen on the idea and didn't agree to go out.

But I found myself growing a bit fond of her recently, so I thought of making small moves to see how she reacts and to plan whether to push ahead or step down. I don't want to surprise her by giving a big surprise (pleasant or unpleasant) by telling her directly that I am starting to like her. So at least if she's not so keen on me, I can slowly withdraw a bit and be less aggressive in my moves, and everything can remain as normal -- as normal friends rather than dates. I would hate to lose her by being overly aggressive and upfront and then she may avoid me if this thing turns out badly, and can't even be normal friend in future.

We used to meet up or go out in group once every month or so for a meal and to go window shopping or movies. So recently, I asked her out, but never phrased it like a date, more like 2 friends going out to see how it goes, whether she enjoys it or she finds me a bore. But she got back to me said recently is end-of-year X'mas period, she's busy and it's quite rushed to arrange this. Can perhaps push to beginning of next year. I got the hint.

So I tried more hinting again. Then I told her about being lonely during X'mas period, but she too never really respond or care enough to talk more about it and that I value her companionship and friendship more than monetary stuff. She too like never really take note of what I said. I thought gals are quite sensitive and would at least get some hints of what I'm saying if she is a wee bit interested. But apparently, the idea she gives me is: I'm fine with being friend with you, but no further than that. I mean if she's a bit interested, not even say crazy about me, she would be seizing hints and analysing every word I say very carefully to catch any sign of interest I have of her. But I don't see that now.

Then recently, supposed to meet her again for a party at a friend's house, and she had a problem with some food items that we ordered, so she requested for a change. So originally she asked me to resolve this issue by calling up the restaurant and changing the order, but the following day she informed me that she has got another person to see to the issue. Seems like she has little confidence in me getting things done.

So not sure if I'm overly sensitive, just that I feel that she seems to be not so keen. So perhaps remaining as friends would be a better option since she has already given me the hint that she's not a bit interested? What's your analysis of the issue?

FeowFeow SG

Dear Social Misfit,

I got very confused when I read your post, it's very long. Moreover, love is Not like maths, how can we analyse it when feelings are involved?

FeowFeow

social_misfit SG

Guess you are right. I'm confused. But isn't feeling a confusing thing that we seem to understand but yet never really know what it is about in the end? Basically I think to summarize the whole thing I wrote:

yuko-ogura SG

Dear Fren,

i encountered the exact prob as u..

advance two steps and take one step back...wadever u do..dun appear to be aggressive.

do things for her as if they were natural..dun specially perform tasks for her or she will mistake it for love from u..and may avoid u so that u won't be mistaking her need for ur help to be an act of love from ya...

the moment she senses the desperation from u..she would avoid u if she's not in the least interested in u..

do be careful..if it really fails..i suggest u go for another one..dun dwell on her anymore.

social_misfit SG

Guess so. You are right. Just recalled something why she gave me the initial idea that she was interested somehow in me.

I mentioned about always going out with this group of friends, and I always turn up for almost all the outings, meals, movie dates etc. Then there were twice I couldn't attend, and she also didn't.

First time was I happened to be quite sick, down with fever and diahorrea, so I informed them I couldn't attend a dinner. And although she originally said she was attending, she too said she was also sick at the last minute.

The 2nd time, I was having a bit of a problem at home, so wasn't in a mood to join them for a trip overseas. I mean I didn't want to go out with them then appear distracted, disengaged and frowning over things at home and to spoil the mood of those who were present and occasion. Originally she wanted to go and also SMSed me whether I want to go or not. I told her I wasn't in the mood but told her to enjoy the trip herself with the rest nevertheless. Then she informed the rest 1 day before the trip that she's tied down with work and she was rushing a proposal for her boss.

I also hope not to be overly sensitive and to read meanings into everything. I understand sometimes feeling can cloud my own judgments.

Of course, definitely, there could be this issue of pure co-incidence. But come to think of it, could it be really so co-incidental? I'm not sure.

trajet SG

Hi, i just try to comment on ur writing.. from my point of view...

Originally posted by social_misfit:
Got myself into a little trouble with interpreting the signals from gal, and feeling quite confused whether to edge forward or to withdraw back from our relationship as friends a little.

This gal used to be nice to me. Not sure if by nature she's a very caring person who knows how to make her friends comfortable or she's especially nice to me. So I would not want to speculate since opinions are quite subjective. Basically I would say she's a nice friend to have, lending you a listening ear when you need someone to talk to and is very understanding. And I noticed that she used to do some weird things that I feel normal friends wouldn't do. For example, she would search on the Internet for my name (and their variations) and see if there's any domain names already registered and what sites are using them, and she would bother to watch my favourite TV shows to find out what's so interesting about them. And she once did asked me out a few months ago because we had a common interest, but I was not keen on the idea and didn't agree to go out.

>> Hmm.. is it true? if true.. it may be really a sign that she likes you.. Gals will seldom do things a guy do.. if she doesnt like him...
but when u say "I was not keen on the idea and didn't agree to go out" maybe u had turned her off that time... since then her attitude towards u have changed

But I found myself growing a bit fond of her recently, so I thought of making small moves to see how she reacts and to plan whether to push ahead or step down. I don't want to surprise her by giving a big surprise (pleasant or unpleasant) by telling her directly that I am starting to like her. So at least if she's not so keen on me, I can slowly withdraw a bit and be less aggressive in my moves, and everything can remain as normal -- as normal friends rather than dates. I would hate to lose her by being overly aggressive and upfront and then she may avoid me if this thing turns out badly, and can't even be normal friend in future.

>>> Asking her out for a date i think it's not aggressive.. Aggressive is that if you have buy too many things/gifts for her on your dates. Or u start to tell too much about ur feelings towards her on ur first few dates.. Nothing wrong if you just ask her out.. going for lunch, dinner, go to malls,cinemas etc.. ...

We used to meet up or go out in group once every month or so for a meal and to go window shopping or movies. So recently, I asked her out, but never phrased it like a date, more like 2 friends going out to see how it goes, whether she enjoys it or she finds me a bore. But she got back to me said recently is end-of-year X'mas period, she's busy and it's quite rushed to arrange this. Can perhaps push to beginning of next year. I got the hint.

So I tried more hinting again. Then I told her about being lonely during X'mas period, but she too never really respond or care enough to talk more about it and that I value her companionship and friendship more than monetary stuff. She too like never really take note of what I said. I thought gals are quite sensitive and would at least get some hints of what I'm saying if she is a wee bit interested. But apparently, the idea she gives me is: I'm fine with being friend with you, but no further than that. I mean if she's a bit interested, not even say crazy about me, she would be seizing hints and analysing every word I say very carefully to catch any sign of interest I have of her. But I don't see that now.

"lonely during X'mas??" I think u shouldnt mention that.. sounds like you just find her because of you are lonely.. not that u are fond of getting to know her more... Also that sounds a bit like desperation.. it can turn her off also.. Dude, if you really want to be with her.. you have to do something.. ask her out and no need to hide... The most important thing is that you SHOULDN't TALK TOO MUCH that u like her.. blah blah.. save it until few more dates.. maybe 3rd one...

Then recently, supposed to meet her again for a party at a friend's house, and she had a problem with some food items that we ordered, so she requested for a change. So originally she asked me to resolve this issue by calling up the restaurant and changing the order, but the following day she informed me that she has got another person to see to the issue. Seems like she has little confidence in me getting things done.

So not sure if I'm overly sensitive, just that I feel that she seems to be not so keen. So perhaps remaining as friends would be a better option since she has already given me the hint that she's not a bit interested? What's your analysis of the issue?

>> You won't know whether she's interested to u if u haven't dated her.. ask her out.. and listen more.. talk less man.. and depends on how she respond to ur date proposal.. if she rejects and give follow up time for another date... its good.. if she rejects, giving excuses and no more hints.. i think it stops there..

Devil1976 SG

NICE! Laughing

choco B SG

You're right. She's not interested.

Either move on. Or if you want to go after her, forget about history (what she did, what you did, etc) and start over afresh.

Btw, this is lame

The girl's got a life and things to do, she' got no time to entertain you. Please be a man and get straight to the point, date her out if you want to, not whine about how lonely you are.

curiousOrange SG

She was attracted initially. There is simply no other reason why she would spend so much time on analyzing you.

To her, you were like a Dan Brown suspense novel and she wanted to know the ending so badly.

And you did all the essential things to raise her interest level initially by simply staying aloof and remaining a mystery to her.

Rejecting her date probably bruised her ego. She got the impression that you were brushing her off and the fact that you did not make any counter-offers to her confirmed to her that you were not too keen on her.

Think about this

When you rejected her date initially, you did not suggest hooking up on another date because you were simply not interested to know what she can offer to you. She was not in your consideration.

Now we have a role-reversal; you asking her for a date.

When she makes a counter-offer, chances are that she still has a moderate amount of interest in you. Not enough for her to shelf her plans, but she is still keen to find out more about you.

Accept that counter-offer but stick to doing what attracted her to you in the first place.

Dont disclose too much info about yourself during the date (let her continue playing the detective roleshe loves it)

Focus the conversation on her. Women enjoy talking about themselves if you can get them going. Just concentrate on having a good time which shouldnt be too difficult since both of you have some common interest.

The next time you want to ask her out for a date, dont go beating around the bushes about how lonely you are. It shows that you have nothing much going on in your lifewhy would she want to be part of that sad reality? And at the end of the day, you are still unsure of the answer!

Simply tell her where you plan to go and tell her she can tag along if she wants to because:

1) That gives her a strong enough hint that you want to hook up.

2) Her answer gives you a clear indication of whether she is interested or not.

3) That will save you all the trouble of trying to figure out what she is thinking and hoping that you are pushing the right buttons.

You are a man. You arent programmed to think the way she does. You will never figure her out. So stick to what you can do bestobserve her actions to gauge her interest level.

Low interest = Red traffic light
(Instead of waiting indefinitely, make a U-turn and drive to the next junction to find the next green light)

High interest = Green traffic light
(simply go forward)

Moderate interest = Orange traffic light
(which is what I suspect she has for you right now)

My take is why live in the uncertainty of the orange light? It can turn red anytime.

But Im sure you will still want to give it a shot.

So try doing the right things during your date with her and you might be able to raise her interest level.

Good luck

yuko-ogura SG

nice analogy used.. Cool

falling_stars SG

Originally posted by curiousOrange:

Low interest = Red traffic light
(Instead of waiting indefinitely, make a U-turn and drive to the next junction to find the next green light)

High interest = Green traffic light
(simply go forward)

Moderate interest = Orange traffic light
[b](which is what I suspect she has for you right now)

My take is why live in the uncertainty of the orange light? It can turn red anytime.

But Im sure you will still want to give it a shot.

So try doing the right things during your date with her and you might be able to raise her interest level.

Good luck[/b]

Yes very nice analogy... but if you beat the red light then kena 12points deduct... which in this case means a blow to your heart... so think carefully man

zeny SG

you think too much

since she is in the working class, she got a job to do.

Stop thinking that you are the only male guy around and the things she does is for you alone only.

"But she got back to me said recently is end-of-year X'mas period, she's busy and it's quite rushed to arrange this. Can perhaps push to beginning of next year. I got the hint."

What hint did you get? Do you think she is rejecting you? and you must hint more to test her? COme on you are a man test so much for what? Scare to lose her ?

To put it simply she is really busy and she means what she says. You are not acting like a gentleman and keep forcing her to go out with you. I will be piss off too by your acts.

If you like her ask her out, stop being a coward and hide around behind reasoning and excuses. A girl likes a man to lead and take charge but sorry bro you seems a bit weak in relationship area.

zoik SG

like the above post - youre over analysing it.

take steps back.

its xmas ffs - everyones busy!!! lots to do, not enough time!

shes busy, and you should be too.

and, if she was interested in you - and around that time when she asked you out, it seems she was - and you rejected her.
so, perhaps shes over you. so you missed the boat. find someone else.

wonderamazement SG

GET A LIFE!!! Rolling Eyes Ok kiddin' on that part...well everybody tends to imsinterprete signals just like me..."hmm eh i think got chance, then again no chance leh"...happens all the time...you're not alone dude...

alexkusu SG

I think ur overly sensitive. On the other hand, you should take it easy. People hearts change over time. She will like you today, hate you tomorrow.

cynic SG

I strongly believe that being a guy, or being fond of a gal, you should let her know.

Guessing and guessing her "hints" will make you tired and you will never know the answers. After all, she may treat you as normal or may have feeling to you, but, what you do is just guessing her hints. DON'T YOU THINK THAT YOU ARE BEING IN LOVE TO YOURSELF. You are you and also you are her at the same time, as you guess what she hints, rather than getting to know the truth by asking her.

I strongly agree that relationships is not a math question (1+1 =2) and it does not have any algorithm, i.e. "YES -> you go route-A"; "NO -> you go route-B". You will never know the route unless you really go ahead and try. The routes will also change from time to time.

However, I am not suggesting you to go ahead and try blindly. WHY? The most important factor now is whether you really have a strong feeling on her. Based on what you wrote, it seems like "oh, let's test how her feeling on me first. If the hints is +ive, I will court her. If the hint is -ive, I will withdraw". This is not the way to build up a relationship.

The way is, you got to make sure you really like her and she is the one that you want to spend the life with. Then court her by showing your sincerity and cares. If she refused, then you move on or decide whether still want to be a friend or not.

GUESSING HER HINTS WILL MAKE YOU FEEL VERY TIRED AND YOU WILL NEVER KNOW HER ANSWER.

hyperactivechatterbox SG

I think that you should just go check around with other guy friends if she does those for them too…

chunyong SG

Pls summarize to 100 words and below…

Saint` SG

ai ya .. got feel then go for it .. nt end of the world .. since both of u r working .. i reckon tat both of u r mature enough to view this .. so .. basically .. u foiled the 1st chance .. nw u hav to pick things up again .. so u hav to take the initiative .. get it ??.. gals don come falling from sky everytime .. u missed the chance .. so u betta take a ship up the sky n pluck the star .. in case she rejects u after the attempt .. as adults .. i don see y cant this be resolved .. true the frenship may be stained ... but shld be able to mend rite ?? .. moreover .. u r a guy .. i hav frens who told me they like guys with more confident .. i can see tat u lack alittle .. try be more responsive .. attentive .. caring then usual .. drop her REAL hints .. not verbal hints tat u say n no action ..

well i think tats all from me .. gd luck ^^

Angelo09 SG

Got her pic?

need her pic before i can adivse

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