Mum's affecting my social life

last SG · 2005-10-17T20:17:07+00:00

If u really wanna help ur mum n ur family i think u should consider counselling. It really helps. I think ur mum is suffering from depression. it can be trea...

The Den SG

Hi Aunt Agony,

My dad and mum are no longer in talking terms. They sleep in separate rooms and lead separate lives. They walk past each other without acknowledging each other's presence.

Dad is always out on Saturdays visiting his own relatives, and sleep over their homes. I have a younger brother in poly who is super rebellious. Mostly the time spent at home he will be asleep. He works night shift at 7 eleven just to avoid mum.

What makes mum so detestable? She demands us spending every night with her watching tv in the living room, insists to cook us dinner when her cooking tastes worse than army food, and kicks up a huge fuss when we say we want to go out with our friends.

But Saturday nights are different. One of my secondary school mates are having bbqs at Pasir Ris Chalet, and yet I have to spend the whole night to "accompany" her at home since no one else is home.

Sometimes Dad will have a kind word for me but I feel so messed up with my life, 'cos mum will call at 6 every day and threaten to do something violent if I do not make it home before 8 for dinner. My career never took off as a result... social life crashed because I have to make up excuses to friends when we are suppose to have a good time together.

When I walk around the house with a grouchy look on my face, she would go:

Mum: "Why that long face?"
Me: "Nothing."

Starts to pick a fight, like saying something to agiate me. Will sound sometimes like:

"Go fuck yourself, I havent die yet, so u are unhappy is it?" Dad will take it as a cue to pack a few shirts into his bag and usually 3 min later I can hear the slamming of the metal gate, and click. Just me and her again.

How do I deal with his woman who threatens to jump off a building each time I tell her I have a date? Or have a meeting at work? Or can't make it back for dinner? Or tell her I want to sleep over relatives house with dad? Crying or Very sad

How I wish I can attend the sg forums bbq.... but I guess I'll be home again..

alfagal SG

i guess ur mom is going thru a rough patch now..after so many yrs of contributing to e family. she lost many of her social friends..therefore needs ur presense n ur bro's as well for security and to feel safe tat she will not b alone..jus stay ard lo..

things happen for a reason....tatz life..its how u handle it..if u dun stay strong, no one can help u get thru this..however, if there is violence, pls, seek help..

The Den SG

She's been going through her "rough patch" all her life. My younger brother used to stay home with her 'cos he was still young, and mum had an excuse to bar him from going out.

I worked part time in a ware house too.. just to avoid her.. when I knocked off work.. I would have like 23 missed calls from her, and about 15 messages. We can't do much cos she's co-owner of the flat. She can threaten to stop work and the flat would be repossessed in a few months. My ex-gf described her as a "monster" and even wished me good luck when we broke up.

niu.niu SG

i feel so sad to hear this...

one side of palm is ur mother, the other side is ur life...

ur mother give u life.. but that doesn't give her the rights to have the
full control of ur life... i think u sit down, speak to her, let her understand u care for her but u still hav a job.. and brin her out more often to open up
her mind to her society.. let her adapt that the world been changing now
and then... i mean if ur mom been a housewife for 20+ years... she sure
lost touch of everything...

ur mom need securement and companionship....

[--juz my side of thoughts--]

starblue SG

your mum is lonely. your mum is afraid. she has lost your dad. are you going to let her lose her children?

communicate your feelings to her. assure her that she will always be your mum. but that you need time with yourself and your friends. promise to do something with her another day, maybe go shopping together. and be happy about it when u do it...

change your attitude slowly.

shade343 SG

I wonder...what lead to a communication breakdown between your mum and dad?

Did you ever try talking to your mum about how you honestly felt about her?

The Den SG

Mum's is quite unreasonable sometimes.. when Dad tries to help me talk he will also get into the "war". Nowadays he would just storm off and go for coffee at the coffee shop.

I've talked to her but when u push the limit, she explodes, and evverything just falls back to square one..

Surprisingly, I dun hate her, but sometimes I feel tat she might be a burden to me in whatever I try to do. (imagine breaking off with ur girlfriend after she met mum)

If she's lonely it might be her own fault, but it seems that I'm the one paying the price...

R3SsH|n SG

you never ask her...why you everytime like this?
btw...how old is she?

phoenix114 SG

elloz....how old are you? well frankly, i have been experiencing this thing for a long time...same case as you, only i am a lil better off than you coz my parents talk for a few seconds periodically and begin to quarrel again. =)

its the same for me and my mum, i am not allowed to go out late, when eva we discuss, she gives me some lame answers to agitate me and brings up all the stuff i did badly in the past and begins war. at least u can go out to play in the day? I cant loh....have to bluff her all the time that i am actually doin projects...

for me, i am slowly adapting to this kinda life....we are humans after all. wheneva this sorta thing happens, i just put my mind on what eva i am doing and just tahan, telling my self, if i shuddup, she will too. or sometimes, i give her a loud OK ENOUGH? I NEED TO STUDY! and she will shuddup. This kind of things, dun bother too much lah, your life is more impt, they will die one day and so will you, why shorten your life like them, going about screaming about things and later complain heart pain here pain there pain...

stay happie, look at the bright side of things. when ur mum dun allow you to go out, think of the stuff you can do at home, and you would be happier. Think on the lines of: I can slp, my friends cant. I can hand in my hw/Revise, they cant, I can frag ppl at home, they cant, I can save more money for a new NANO, they cant.....hope you catch my drift..

stay happie ! Wink

Kennerve SG

Hi Den, sorry to hear what you are going through right now.. What actually happens to cause your dad to move out from the house to stay with his relatives.. I guess is due to your mum's temper and unreasonable request.

I do understand your feeling as an older brother, cause it will be a great responsibility to look after your mum, ensuring your brother don get into the wrong hands and of course keep a look out for your dad to ensure that he is ok.

Firstly, your brother.. At his age, i guess he will be rebellious as he is in secondary school.. But fear not.. cause his rebelliousness are all part and parcel of everyone.. He will somehow come to terms that being rebellious will not lead him every where.. If he wants to work at 7-11 to avoid your mum.. let him be.. At least you know that he is not out there doing something which is harmful to him.. Just keep an eye on him to ensure that he don go a stray.

Your dad has tried his best to cheer u and ur brother up.. At least you know there is a comfort source beside u..

Your mum may have come to this stage of her life.. Maybe due to her work, someone said something to her.. or worst.. someone condemming her. People who suffer from depression will tend to resort to things like committing suicide when things are not going in their way..

My advice to you is this.. Try talking your mum thru.. asking her about the problem. If she does not want to to tell you about it, than professional Psychiatric help is required. Should one day something were to happen to her.. And you know what the problem is.. Are you going to bear the consequences??

The last resort will be making a police report and get a personal protection order (PPO) on you, your brother and your dad. You should get this ONLY when she has been abusing both of you or you feel that she is in any threat towards you or your sibilings.

Sometimes, step back and try to understand her feelings.

Cheer up dude.. You are not the only one around like that.. Wink

depressed_80 SG

should bring her go see a counsellor..i think she need somebody to talk to..
my mum had gone through this.. Sad

The Den SG

I can't believe your mum can allow you to take her to a shirk... how did you do it? So is she okay now? Smile

I have kind of adapted to this kind of life, but met one of my friends on friday... he was saying I used to be so cheerful, life-of-the-party type.. now am becoming so unsocialable.. moody...

My younger brother (1 Cool feels that at this age (23) I should be building career and network of friends, not to say enjoy myself instead of being grouchy at home.

There is no violence used, the only thing that depress me is my mum's talk on ending her own life whenever I tell her I have 1. OT at work 2. Supper with friends. I am already resigned to this burden, but surprsing I dont feel hate.. Imagining a 23 yr old guy staying at home at the time... even dad laughs at me sometimes...

Yunhaier SG

Apparently, you still obliged to your mum's will of coming home, despite how reluctant you are. Maybe you feel pity for her, or even afraid that she may attempt something foolish, still, the maternal influence is heavy - does this exercising of control is in process long ago... when you were younger and stuff?

Your mother is undergoing a crisis now. She probably has nobody else to turn to and therefore choose to bar you from 'fleeing' so that she has some unseen emotional support, even if you don't say or do anything. She just needed some physical evidence to show that not everyone is 'fleeing' from her life. She is not trying to cease you from your hedonistic pursue with your friends and life... more like trying to save herself from emotional drowning.

Never... never use logics to decipher her ideology - your mum has gone beyond common sense and logics. She truly needs some form of emotional counselling and if you don't know how to open her wounds, fear and instability and nurse them through words and stuff, one good option is to consider counselling. A third party may be able to release that intensity in her and regain some sanity - or at least quit threatening the suicide thing. Idea

Cheers

Devil1976 SG

If I were you, I would have tried to have a GOOD TALK with my mum to knock SOME SENSE into her... And if it doesn't work, TRY a FEW TIMES.. Try not to get 'EXPLOSIVE' in the conversations...

INDEED, I would feel that something might be really wrong with your mum since so many of you are not getting along well with her without obvious reasons...

Your mum... Threaten of death? Personally, I feel that if she really have to end her life 'this way' it certainly would be a PITY... But SERIOUSLY.. When you think about it, SO MANY of you are 'losing your life' too... If it's a 'sacrifice' to be made for things to move towards the better, it might just be a thing worth putting an effort into... HOWEVER, it seems like things just ain't going in the right direction..?

You are WORKING? Is your dad so? If your mum really have to give up the FLAT, can you all MOVE OUT Question

LET YOUR MUM UNDERSTAND... The rest of the family needs to LIVE THEIR LIVES TOO.... And it just doesn't make sense for the WHOLE FAMILY to FALL APART because of her? And no matter how much you all try to GIVES IN to HER, she should also UNDERSTAND THE SITUATION and GIVE EVERYONE their LIVES BACK... ELSE, SOONER or LATER.. EVERYTHING would just FALL APART without doubt... One way or another... How old is your mum?

On top of that, let her SEE and UNDERSTAND that INSTEAD of CHOOSING to FORSAKE her.. You all have CHOSE to SHARE LIVES with HER... Try to spend a bit of quality time or at least just some simple special (something out of the routine like family outing?) occasions together...?

Regards to your GF... Let your mum see the QAULITY of having a gf (and possibily a daughter-in-law) instead of seeing your possible gf as a threat? Wink

viciouskitty74 SG

I am 31, female, chinese.

Eldest of 3 siblings and divorced.

My mother is 53 and living with me.

The thread starter's problem isnt quite new to me. Have known a lot of families with similiar unreasonable parents.

I myself has similiar problem.

The only difference is that my mother is fairly active in Direct selling organisation and is earning her own keep.

We need to look at ourselves, set the limit on how others can have controls over us and learn to be indifferent to the emotional blackmail.

Once you can reconciled with your own frustration, it can be easier to work on solutions.

In this time and age, there is already so much break on traditions that it no longer means that you have to live with your parents. Don't think that you are stuck in a dead end situation with your mom as yet.

With those sms-ses and phone calls, you actually already has the right proofs to commit your mother to some community counselling. Do check with your neighbourhood police post for the nearest counselling service first.

Even if your mother does not attend counselling, you still need to talk to someone. Which I do.

The Den SG

Yes I'm working. If mum would to give up the flat, (which I think its unlikely) I think we would end up together again at my elder brother's house.

It's not so simple as sitting down and talk things out. Sometimes I feel someone got to give it to her real hard to let her see the gravity of the situation I'm facing. Come to think about it, the whole family IS on the verge of falling about because of her. She's stubborn, won't take any of advice. Mum's 52.

Simply said, I hate it when she wants me to go home and act happy in front of her, when I have to make up excuses to friends.

Family outings are always a bad choice. Chinese New Year few years back, when we were on the train to relatives' place, she suddenly "exploded" and starting screaming at us because one of us didnt close the bedroom window. Imagine the shame and disgust of my younger brother, my dad and me.

I spoke to my ex-gf last month. She said my mum was partially the cause of our break-up. (Damn it when I bought her home for dinner.) She says she can still remember mum clearly... but not in a positive light. Rolling Eyes

If only there's a [email protected] way to make her listen... or else this negative energy in me is like an uncoiled spring... Crying or Very sad

gerrykoh SG

Your mum is using emotional blackmail to keep u by her side.
Tell her that u have grown up, u need to lead your own life incl. having gf.
Reassure her that u will take care of her but her actions are driving u all crazy.
Get her to socialise, join CC activities to keep her occupied.

Be firm & stand up to her. If she threatens suicide, then report her to IMH cos she might need psychatric help.

BadzMaro SG

U gotta stand your ground. Explain to her that u are old n mature enough. Dun bother arguing for ur dad or for ur mum. I know how u feel, but to have this thing happen now can be hard for u to adapt to this new condition. Jus try to be understanding, then be independant. But u can only stay neutral so long until u fall either way. Its gonna be psychologically hard for u to handle 2 seperate entities that has thier own views and it may clash with u and further frustrate yourself some more. Do not let thier failed marriage to stop you from achieveing your own goals n dreams. In the future , they will be old n weak while ur future is still ahead of you. Do what u must , and do what u can to achieve it.

seraphsigma SG

Sorry to hear bout this.

Anyway I went through something similar although to a much less degree. Hmmm maybe you'll can try to go counselling or something? I was quite repulsive of that at first, but it did turn out to be help. A professional might be able to help your mom express her thoughts in a more positive way.

Another suggestion would be to get her friends to talk to her more, spend time with her more? Talking is a good way of relieving teh pent up emotions, so perhaps getting her to talk to someone about it would be good.

Btw cheer up dude. I know it's easy to say but do hang in there. Be strong!

dibilo SG

show her this thread.. let her know ur agony.. but read it with her and explain things to her.