i m such a mess

1bigmess SG · 2005-10-05T17:30:38+00:00

You're just lonely sweetie. You look for love in the next nice person you meet, and this man was probably there for you in your rebound phase, where the temp...

1bigmess SG

dear aunt agony,
I m in my 30s, my life is such a mess.. I was married but my husband and I have gone separate ways 3years back. We lived very different lives. I am a homey person, enjoyed spending time wif frens and family while my spouse couldn't get enough of drinking, clubbing and frequently came back drunk. This year, we finally agreed to sell our flat first before filing for a divorce (our flat was only "eligible" for sale this year).

I have since gotten myself into another mess before I even cleaned up this one. Abt 2years+ back when my marriage gone sour, I got involved with a person at work who was also having marital problems. We started with confiding in one another, one thing led to another... we went on even after we both left that workplace. we had alot of good times together tho deep down inside I knew he would never leave his wife (and never asked him to) tho they hv not slept together for 5years, for they hv a son. Many times over the 2 years, I felt so guilty that I wanted to break it off, every time, he would cry and asked me not to leave him...

but jus last sat, I found out by accident dat while this jerk was with me, over the last 5months, he has been sending mushy messages to a fellow colleague of his, a young gal in her 20s who has a boyfren. I told him I couldn't see him anymore as the only thing I ever asked of him was to be truthful and not lie to me.

He told me was sorry. Swore that he din mean anything, only fetched her to work, ate breakfast with her and sent her for evening classes when her boyfren couldn't make it. Told me she was a fren whom he could talk about work with. Gave me crap about it's diff btw a man and woman, for men, even they have a car, they would still look at other cars etc..

I din buy his nonsense and told him I could not trust him any longer, he really broke my heart. Still, he sends me messages, apologies for his foolish act, asks me out etc. I almost fell for it again but I then asked him if he has since picked the gal up/had breakfast with her or sent her to school during the past week when we "broke-off". He admitted he did. I felt my heart being ripped out, here he is asking me to forgive him and come back but yet he is still pursuing her..

I told him that I would never see him again as I could not let him hurt me anymore. Finally he said he was sorry, claims he still loves me, he jus din know how to love and cherish me, and that he was too ashamed to face me, blah blah blah..

It felt like what Seinfeld said { It's like being in robbery and your partner in crime turns around, points the gun at you and says, "give me all your money!" } I really deserved it, retribution for cheating on his wife with him, now I am the one being cheated on.

I am really really sad, truth be told, yet I knew he was not worth it. I am definitely to blame, I should have known better but to be involved with a married man, what could I have hope for from him - faithfulness? loyalty?! sigh..

I keep wondering wat is wrong with me and why I always pick the wrong guys? foolish as it might sound, I still believe in love but probably finding love in wrong people/places...

every time I think about it, my tears flow uncontrollably.. please tell me how to get over the heartache...

mistyblue SG

You experience divorce yourself ... why do while you are still open to many options and many young single men out there decide to continue a r/s that would have nothing good for you and propably destroy someone's family life?

Let me put this to you. Have you thought through that your choice in Men and R/S is the Very reason why your life is in such a bitter and ugly mess.

1bigmess SG

U r right. I can't agree with you more dat it's my choice in men and relationships dat put me in such a fix. Thanks, I needed this... Crying or Very sad

browniebaobao SG

Dun let a mistake carry on. U shouldn't have started in the first place.

He's married and he got involved with u. Not surprising if he has other girls out there.

Since u know that it's a mess, then start clearing it~!

pat pat*

dragg SG

once a cheat forever a cheat.

the silliest thing a woman can do is fall for a married man. if he can cheat on his wife why cant he cheat on you?

even if he can divorce his wife to be with you why cant he divorce you to be with another woman?

shade343 SG

Life is suffering.

dragg SG

its all KARMA

kiekie SG

Pat pat.... dun be sad....... life is always full of ups and downs. Mayb u have been in the ditch but its not the worst case.

Same as i told myself repeatedly... get a life for urself again. There's tons of guys out there... and friends and ur family too.

Dun live in the past memories. Cuz thery hurts.

coffeeortea SG

its all luck, you’re just unlucky.

gasband SG

The good thing is that u made a decision to step out of those relationships… now u can look forward and concentrate on finding a man who will cherish you. You will find one who will love you.

Devil1976 SG

Start the 'learning process' from the beginning again...? Wink

Tier SG

Wah open your eyes big big when choosing the right guy man. Rather stay single than messing with married guy, cause its only troubles, never happyendings.. especially when you mess with emotions, it will be so draggy. Learnt from your mistakes, and start anew. Very Happy

You are allow to feel sad for awhile but dun dwell on it too long and lose yourself. Time will heal your heartaches. Cheer up at least you have chosen the right choice by leaving him already. Thats a big step toward a better life in future!

ShrodingersCat SG

Agree with this. Think somewhere along the line, you got a bit lost. You are only in your 30s. Its not too late to start again. And re-think exactly what did you value most in your relationship, and what values will you never compromise on again?

Making a wrong move doesn't mean everything is over. There is still time. You just need to have the honesty towards yourself and strength to pluck yourself out. You have a choice you know - you don't NEED to be with anyone. You can choose to be with a person, or without. And without doesn't necessarily means unhappiness.

You are not a loser if you are single. But you will lose more than its worth if you get stuck with a loser. Is it worth it?

Yunhaier SG

Your marriage ends in failure for marrying a man whom you can't live with. You realize that life in a BGR differ so much more than a marriage and when a guy is simply not suitable, the risk integrate into your marriage. I am quite sure your then-husband was like that during courtship as well, but the rational why you did accept him and his proposal - its all freewill. We choose our relationship... thus our marriage. We live by our decision. But ultimately, you learn that marriage is not forever (This being the Ninth Law of Love - CloUdiSm).

Your mess heightens with your involvement with another man, who is neither available, in marital turmoil and much love complication. The reason why you two are together is very simple; similar situation that breeds mutual understanding. A homely person like you, can't find emotional support from your husband, naturally, you divert this need to someone whom you THINK could understand your plight (Especially so if you are a Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces).

I have seen so many cases, where a person who cannot commit often find himself/herself being in situation where he/she will attract partners that is unavailable themselves. We attract qualities that we exude (This being Fourth Law of Love - CloUdiSm) Because you cannot commit due to your then-marriage when you scandal first begin two years back, you are such a perfect candidate for a relationship with him because he is seeking for people who cannot commit and at the time, you are simply just that. Look at him! He is also involved with another girl, who is unavailable (being attached)... and therefore I am not even surprised when you relate that part of the story.

You question yourself why you always end up with the wrong man, therefore to explain in the same way - your unavailable status could only allow you to pursue uncommitted relationship, thus when you accept the mess you are presented, you fall into greater complication.

Your sub rosa relationship is not only unfulfilling, but filled with fair amount of guilt and despair. You realise that something is wrong, but is unable to discern what is wrong, thus every time when you feel uneasy and tried to leave, his emotional trickery always works on you.

Because you don't understand the mess you are in! Love will attempt to guide your ignorance through harsh reality and circumstances and will continue to do so until you matured emotionally.

Please do not see yourself as a failure in Love just because of your failing relationship. You gain alot of precious lessons from your setback, but you fail to implement those lessons into your Love life and decide to heed your blind sense in a moment of folly that will only serve to screw your life. Your predicament is due to the ill decision you made for your Love life - you may not have the power to prevent yourself from meeting guys that would degenerate you, but you certainly has the freewill to choose if you WANT to have anything to do with them.

Your emotional vulnerable makes you unsuitable, temporary, to pursue any form of relationship. To pressure yourself to continue an underground relationship with him is merely dragging more meaningless days. You will not be able to change him because in his definition of your relationship with him, its for uncommitted companionship - you have your own emotional and sexual needs, so does he.

This is a trade.

You know that he wouldn't leave his wife and to carry on this relationship with him is to play a game without game over.

Because his wife... a proper committed relationship... fulfillment... all that positive nature of what Love would brings out is NOT part of the trade. And you thought it may be part of the deal - truth is that... it isn't.

***

Conclude your present problem first - put a neutral ending on your marriage FIRST, before deciding to pursue any other form of relationship. The time you take to write your own conclusion is also time used to heal yourself emotionally. If you desire for a better relationship in the future, do what is necessary to allow that opportunity! Don't attempt to get involve with man that does not share the same vision as you had in Love. You will only repeat what you fail to learn over... and over... and over... and over again.

P.S: Are you for Love, rebound or companionship? This deep question probably hides a cruel truth that even you may not know. Idea

Cheers

smudgey SG

since you have now ended both relationships, stay single for a while…. learn to love your own company, when someone woos you, look carefull, before stepping in. that’s all anyone can do. the rest is up to fate..

BadzMaro SG

Be more aware. Learn from mistakes. Find close friends to confide to. Lots of other single dude out there. Guys are like girls.. very pro in lying. Sometimes u will never know until the end. So always keep in mind that things are not always as good or as true as it sounds.

curiousOrange SG

If you pick the wrong guy once, I will give you a pat on your back and you can proceed to blame it on your luck so that I can nod my head in sympathy.

If you repeatedly choose the wrong guy, I believe the problem can only lie in yourself.

You are probably the quiet, homely and reserved type of person (the type whom your colleagues will least suspect that you are having some discreet affair). Like many of us, you have been programmed since young to live a monotonous and routine lifestyle.

You work 9 to 5 everyday, go home watch TV, surf the net and occasionally meet your friends for some activities. Some of us are happy and contended to live like that, some arent.

You belong to the latter group. There is something within you that is screaming for a balance. What you want to feel is more excitement and more intense feelings that can make you feel alive.

But you are unable to generate those feelings yourself. So you are attracted to men who can give you what you are lacking. The man you married is a social butterfly who knows how to enjoy life. You are willing to look beyond his jerk-like behavior because you relied on him to give you some excitement and in a way he injects some life in you.

The married man you are involved with (whom you knew from the start that he is unavailable) gives you the intense feelings that you can only get from committing a sin, he can provide the drama that you crave for.

There is no easy way to end all your heartaches.

Your logical mind tells you that there are many "nice" guys out there demanding to be loved. But these nice guys are too busy doing nice things that the society thinks is correct, they are too busy being nice to everyone to think about creating excitement and passion. You are simply not attracted to them.
Therefore, there is a high possibility that your next relationship will end up in the same way if you choose to do nothing.

My advice to you is to be SELF-SUFFICIENT before you dive into another relationship.

Sit down one day and start thinking about what is actually missing in your life. Write them down and think about what you can do to improve the quality of your life by altering your lifestyle a bit.

Once you can achieve that, you will start focusing on other qualities of a potential partner that are more important and will contribute to a healthy relationship.

1bigmess SG

Surprised to see so many replies, and frankly very touched.. thanks for all your advices, many valuable lessons to learn.

I have decided to stay single for some time to come, need to be on my own (or with frens and family) and will put efforts in building my career. Oso need to straighten my own thinking and not let myself repeat the mistakes that I have made...

Thanks everyone! Smile

FeowFeow SG

Dear 1bigmess,

When I read your post, my heart really went out to you. There're a few issues involved in your post, & perhaps your thoughts might also be in a jumble when you typed this heartbreaking message. Let me try & put it in order as best I can.

Your marriage caused you alot of distress. There's Nothing wrong with you being homely. Different people have different ideas of what married life should be. Some couples club together, & they get along fine. Some like to stay home or spend time with friends, doing wholesome things, & they get along fine too. There may be a problem when it comes to a couple who have diverging interests, & start to grow apart in their marriage, & this is what's been happening to you.

With all the fights/arguments about the different views of married life, & finally, the decision to divorce, the mental toll on you must have been tremendous. During your vulnerability, you got involved with another married man. At 1st, I'd thought that he too, was experiencing a moment of vulnerability. That is, until I read that he'd been also cheating on his wife with another young girl. After that, my view was that he was exploiting you during your period of vulnerability.

People make judgement mistakes even in the best of times, we shouldn't be questioning why things go wrong when they're beyond our control. So, your mistake in trusting the wrong man (your married ex) is even more understandable given your state of mind during the confusing times. It's Not strictly your fault, you were vulnerable, you were sad, you were disappointed in your husband, & you sought comfort the best way you knew how. Unfortunately, you didn't have all your wits about you, & fell prey to an exploiter of feelings. If it's anybody's fault, it would be his.

Now that you know what this man is like, you did the right thing by walking away. Move on with your life, & focus 1st & foremost on your divorce. If a nice man comes along, don't rule him out, but don't let your guard down so easily again. When this nice man has won your trust, then let the relationship proceed naturally. Make sure your solicitors give you the best advice when it comes to the divorce too, have your wits about you.

After that, do start a new chapter of your life.

FeowFeow

Devil1976 SG

NICE! Mr. Green