Chapter
12
I felt a warm embrace.
I opened my eyes and saw Snowy hugging me. Her tears kept running
furiously, like the rain which began to pour heavily. Her head was
on my wet shoulder, filled with both tears and rain drops. I could
see comfort in her, by releasing her suppressing emotions. Snowy
tightened her embrace and this time, my arms were over her. If time
could grant us permission, I would never let her go.
You are too good to me
but
I am not worthy
I am blinded by love, so blinded that I could only see the
potentially good qualities in Snowy. No one is perfect, just like
no one is without its merits and I chose to focus on whats good in
her.
You dont understand
because you dont
you dont understand
me
I want to understand Snowy, but am I given the chance to? Her words
revolved around confusion and doubts. So much, in fact, I am so
sure that she doesnt even understand herself. I want the chance to
get to know the REAL her and make her get back to her REAL
self.
My ex-boyfriend came to look for me the other day
and wished that
I get back with him.
This statement questioned me terribly, but I understood the meaning
of happiness - even if I am out of the picture, my stand will never
change. I will let her go if that brings her to greater
happiness.
I want to accept myself
to accept you
but I am not worthy of
your love because I was a RAPE victim
DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
I couldnt reply. Shocked beyond words
all was too sudden. Silence
was prevalent.
Our relationship ended because of this. He never ditched me
I did
because I knew always desire a virgin girlfriend since day one and
from his later behavior; its obviously that it was an issue to
him. I could see in his mind
that this psychological stigma is
impossible to overcome, as much as he claims he would accept me for
who I am. I HAD TO END IT
and now, when I find myself falling in
love with you
he appeared, telling me that he wants to treasure me
for who I am. Virginity is no longer an issue to him
but what
about you? Is it fair? FOR SOMEONE WHO HAD ACCEPTED ME FOR WHO I
AM
AGAINST ONE WHO DOESNT
please
enlighten me
what should I
do?
No voice came forth. I felt her sorrow assimilating into my soul.
There was a tingle of sadness and I felt salty tears in my
eyes.
Love
is only one subject by itself. I cannot see myself with you
you are too good
and every time when you demonstrated your
goodness, it reminded me of my ugliness. I cannot see myself worthy
of you because its me. You cannot understand my mindset because
you are not me. HOW MUCH EMPATHY you employ is useless because you
are not me. I DONT WANT YOU TO REGRET AND I WANT THE BEST FOR YOU
you understand?
You thoughts what good for me, I whispered softly, have you
ever thought that it doesnt matter to me?
I can tell this to million of guys out there who loves me
and
they will say the same thing like what you had said. BUT IS IT THE
TRUTH? NOT AFFECTING YOU PERSONALLY?... the truth hurts like hell
and I never want to know the truth. I just want to tell you
I am
moving house. I decide to tell you the truth because we probably
will never meet again
in the same lift
we so often see each other
when we were younger till now.
Have you ever thought that it is you who wants to go away, not
me?
No
Snowy replied, paused for a moment as she released herself
from the embrace and walked away, just that in the first place
I
wasnt meant to be here.
(To be continued...)
