Why Is It All Coming Back?

Kimosabe SG · 2005-08-19T14:52:49+00:00

Yeah I guess….ah what the heck….no point being so cautious about love either….

Kimosabe SG

See, I have this boyfriend, he's fantastic. He cares for me and we've been going out now for about ten months plus. Here's the crappy part, which might actually be my fault from the very beginning.
I was at his desktop, and I saw the ICQ conversations they had. Rather explicit. But hey its ok, i mean they were attached at that time. Her pictures at the chalet and other things about them were still there. Also, her stuff toys were displayed in his car. In the boot now, but still there.
Here's the thing --- I don't doubt his love, but it seems that everywhere I look, I always see 'her'...you understand? Like, our anniversary is on the same date, which I think regarding that part I've talked his ears off. He's gotten a little grumpy about me bringing her up all the time. But nothing's been done.
I want him to do what HE wants to do about it, he says he's too lazy to recall what's from her and what's not from her, and asked me why am I the kind of girl that wants him to curse her to death and burn everything. I don't....I just want something we both share.
I don't know...this may just be some stupid issue...he says he doesn't see it as an issue and when I try to talk it out he just keeps quiet and looks at me or plays with something else...what is actually going through his head? I need a guy's point of view, and a solution real quick, before I really unknowingly ruin the relationship.
I was so stupidly affected that I even wrote a song for him...here :

Does she hold you the way I do, Does she whisper sincere 'I Love You's',
Does she listen to everything and respect what you say;
Does she smile the way I do, Does she give you what you need,
Does she see what others don't see in you;
If the answer is 'yes', Then my dear I must confess,
That my heart is silently breaking in two;
But despite all that I fear, I'm still happy when you're near,
You should know by now that all I need is you;

(**) I only hope that I will never make you cry, I only wish that I could be that good and special like how she was, But I guess in time my love will show its truth, For I give it all, everyday, Anytime and anyway; That's all I can do, give it all to you;(**)

Does she brush your hair aside, just to look into your eyes;
Does she kiss you on the cheek the way I do;
Does she swallow her pride, Does she hold you justified,
Does she play those silly games you like with you;
Does she really trest you right, Doe she yearn everyday to hold you tight,
Does she cry and out of everyone, she only runs to you?

Ok, cheesy....but help...

rainee SG

I guess you need to trust your bf a little more? Having all these stuff from his ex doesn't mean he is still in love with her or anything, I mean I do still keep some stuffs from my ex and I think my ai ai does still keep some of the gifts from his past, as he likes to call it, but I don't see any reason to kick a fuss because of that.

Since you have asked him to change and he refused to, why not change your own mindset? I think it is easier. Just try to trust in him more and soon you will realize you don't even mind seeing all those stuffs that remind you of his ex. If anything, let it remind you that you are the one with him one and there should be a good reason why he is with you instead of still being with his ex.

Magnus SG

Kim,

Sometimes comparisions are inevitable especially if they still remains as friends.

How's you been treating your bf? How many marks do you give yourself?

No point turning green and angry. Do something positive about it.
Try to love him & win him over and 'overwrite' his past love.

Devil1976 SG

I think you're being overly sensitive for now. On the long run, it's not healthy for your relationship?

Has anything bad been done by him due to all that? I suggest you not push it too far if you can as it probably doesn't him much of those things unless you start to make things sour?

Good luck?

"Worst things in a relationship is not when it is being destroyed, but when you destroy it needlessly with your own hands...."

Devil1976 SG

Here... Something for you....

Yunhaier SG

Seeing is believing.

Regardless of how rational one might be, a visual contact with something unpleasant, will force your conscious mind to push the undesired message into the subconscious mind, as part of a defensive mind. The heart doesn't have a 'subconscious' version of it, thus you don't feel well inside whenever such things appear in front of you.

It is NOT that you don't trust - but every thingy that signified his ex-gf, question your trust - as if poking it with a needle. You won't bleed from it, but you feel so uncomfortable, shuffle and shift away. It would be perfectly fine IF the visual contact wasn't frequent, but if it is as frequent as everytime you go out with him/go to his house, something about her pops up and reminds you/him of her, I can feel your helplessness, with your mind trying to convince yourself of the trust in the relationship and your heart frowning with sadness.

***

You can help yourself by equipping with a more positive and mature mindset, by keeping a broader prespective outlook. Sometimes, a guy doesn't bother with such details because everything is but black and white to him. If he loves you, he is with you; anything that represent a hidden message is ignored because the message ain't picked up by him (photo, etc). Realise that he has chosen to be with you - this is what that matters. He made the choice to begin the relationship... with you.

Secondly, he can HELP you, by keeping all this items that could affect you... somewhere private. He doesn't have to throw away (and if you demand so, a quarrel is very likely), but at least RESPECT you enough to put it away from view. He is entitled his own memories of his past relationship, so you RESPECT him for that.

Compromise mutually and don't habour too much on the SELF component. Idea

Cheers

FeowFeow SG

Hi Kimmy,

I remember you, dear girl. Looks like you haven't resolved this problem yet. I think people like Devil, Auntie Yun etc, have given you pretty good advice.

Another way of looking at it is this:

-- Her stuffed toys are in the boot now. They're Not visible, but he wishes to keep them (doesn't necessarily mean he's attached to them, or memories of her, maybe it's too much of a hassle to throw & sort through the damn toys). If I were in your shoes, I'd take it as a chance to put MY soft toys in front now, & "mark my territory" so to speak, with his permission, of course Razz AND, I'd buy something different, more my taste, plant my mark there Twisted Evil

-- Your anniversary, you talked his ears off, but perhaps it's a coincidence? And it doesn't exactly help matters if you remind HIM of HER on YOUR anniversary. The date now belongs to YOU, NOT to HER, silly girl! Rolling Eyes Make it such that he associates the date with you instead, dummy! Confused

The only thing I'm kinda wary about is the explicit ICQ messages. What HAS he been talking about with her?! Shocked

FeowFeow

Tuatau SG

Read this passage in a book once:

"The mature ask not of the past;
The smart ask not of the present;
The open-minded ask not of the future."

When you love a person, love him for what he is to you now. His past did not have you, his future may not have you. Look too deep into his past and his future, and you may lose sight of his present.

Sometimes, when you ask too much of love, it no longer becomes love anymore.

Kimosabe SG

I dunno…was just explicit…its just a conversation saved when they were together and talking on ICQ…I didn’t mind…I just sort of felt really crappy after reading it…I’m stepping on real thin ice right now because I think he’s growing less tolerant of me…I just needed to speak my heart out because I can’t really talk to him and get a response. He just sort of stares at me and keps quiet. Which can be frustrating…and its just that I wish he would respect me enough to understand I might feel crappy…I mean its not just the stuff toys…I just wonder sometimes when he uses his desktop does he even know they’re there?

Tuatau SG

One understands the discomfort of having to look at pictures of a partner's former lovers displayed publicly in the room. Apparently your boyfriend comes up a bit short in the sensitivity and maturity departments to respect your feelings. So why not put a picture of your ex-boyfriend or any good-looking guy in your wallet and let him catch you gazing at it?

Sometimes the best way to put the message across to an insensitive blockhead may be to let the other person feel the same way as you do. Smile

However, like what the others have said before, you want him to respect your feelings, but you also need to respect his privacy. You could calmly request him to put them away as well, but you have absolutely no right to seek them out and/or force him to destroy them.

Remember: Without the ex-girlfriend in his life previously, he wouldn't have become the "fantastic" boyfriend currently in your life. The ex-girlfriend is part of his life, part of his memories that made the person whom you have had the chance to meet and love today. Let's not talk about the virtual impossibility of eliminating her from his mind, but even if you could, he would not be the same person you love now.

Anyway, back to your request. If he still refuses to do anything about them and insists on displaying them blatantly in front of you, you should probably get a good idea of where you stand inside his heart.

black_avarice SG

well was in this situation be4 and my gf dun like what my ex buy for me but she did not compalin what she did was slowly buy stuff to give me and i will replace them lo .. then i will keep my ex's stuff in boxes.. but slowly slowly lo start building the world that belongs to both of you but must be bit by bit ....

Kimosabe SG

Yeah I told him I said 'you don't know how it feels to put up with it because I never put you in a position like that'...I wonder how he'll react if I do the same...but I don't want to be vengeful or anything because I'll be a bitter person also...I've just been trying to accept things as they are...I just decided to keep quiet now and if I need to talk to anyone I'll talk to my stuff toys.
I don't mean to make a huge fuss out of this but for some reason it really makes me miserable...Yap my friend told me the same thing...fill up his life with my stuff...slowly...I already accept that she was a part of his life...*sigh* My birthday this saturday also...don't feel like celebrating...it just kinda hurts to know he still doesn't see it as an issue when I'm obviously sad about it...

Roxy_Gurl SG

Hello Kimosabe, no worries girl.. Yes, everyone will keep something maybe from their ex? I do too, even i have absolutely no more feelings. Because since the stuffs can still be used, for example the stuff toys? It’s perfectly fine to display it in his car boot because they’re still fine! Why throw away something which can be used. And u know, guys can be lazy at times.. What’s most important is now, how he treats you. Dun look back in the past, it’s no use. I would say it’s only creating problems which are unnessary. So what if he has this little memories of his ex. Will he go back to her? It’s normal for people to have little bit of memory for their ex’s. So ya, relax urself. Dun think too much over this. Fill him with ur gifts! Remember this.. Ai Qing Bu Neng Zuo Bi Jiao..

curiousOrange SG

You wrote : "its just that I wish he would respect me enough to understand I might feel crappy."

My view: Maybe you should respect him enough to understand that he probably felt more than crappy everytime you pulled all those little tricks of yours...writing tasteless songs about comparision and mentioning his ex during an anniversary.

Maybe you should also respect him enough to accept that people might want to keep gifts as a memory and there is nothing wrong with that.

You wrote ; " I want him to do what HE wants to do about it"

No, he don't want to do something about it...either you imagined it or you took what he said to you at face value.

I think you are imagining/assuming things to make yourself feel less guilty about being selfish. Regardless of what he said to you to comfort you, he wants to keep these things...his actions told me so. Surely you can see that as well.

You said you need:

1) A guy's point of view - He has the right to be sentimental.
He had been extremely patient and nice about the whole situation.
So ten out of ten for your boyfriend (20 out of 10 if you have already shown him those immature lyrics that seems to be taunting him and he somehow managed to keep his cool) cause he had shown maturity in his case. Understand that a lot of guys would have dropped you like a hot potato for creating so much problems,pressure and unnecessary drama out of nothing. Be grateful and learn to treasure him.

2) A solution - You know where I stand. You are the one that must change. You are sick right now. Insecurity is your sickness.
Making him change and give in to you will not cure that sickness. You will feel ok for a while, then you will find something else to be insecure about.

I apologize if that sounded harsh.

smudgey SG

Kimosabe, reading your post brings back memories....

My bf and I started our relationship 1yr ++ ago... i remembered that he refused to let me look in his wallet.... say there's things in there that brings back memories and he didn't want to see them so never even removed them. (he lost his wallet some months later. not intentially)

He used to show me pictures of his past but carefully removings the ones with his exs in them... but i insisted that he showed me the pictures( i dont believe in keeping things hidden from one another) and wow! his ex was a caucasian, slim very pretty gal. ( they broke up due to "cannot be help" reasons. (the reasons are private hence i shall not reveal)).

I was thinking like Whoo... ur ex is so pretty... etc why would you choose me?
and for a longest time I was so insecure. I even thought and asked him once what happens if the "cannot be help" reasons dissappears? will you want her back? he said that would never happen as the reasons will not dissappear!!!

so for the longest time i kept thinking that he loves me less than her... that he keeps all his gifts/pics from her because he loves her still... I kept thinking how she is more suited for him as she knows him so well and according to my bf they never fought... while with me we quarrel every now and then...

I have to say I'm not sure when i stopped feeling so insecure... but now that i think back... i realise I trust him. now IF the "cannot be help" reasons dissappears, I know he'll stick by me. cos he loves me.

Kimosabe, how long did your bf's relationship with his ex last? is it a wonder why they have accumulated so many stuff? what I'm saying is ur relationship is only 10 months old... hence total absolute trust may not be there yet... but in time to come the trust will build up. your love will grow stronger.and you won't feel that insecure.
point is, do not keep bugging him about this. be glad that he's a sentimental man, which means he is less likely to leave you.

I still have all the gifts from my ex. and I won't wanna throw them away... it's my gifts from a man i once loved of course i treasure them... and from time to time i'll think of all the good times I've had with him... and also i admit at times I'll compare my ex with my bf... but bottom line is I made my choice; i chose my bf. I'm not saying that i'll never change my mind, just that having those items around will not make me change my mind.

Kimosabe, the relationship is now in your hands it's up to you now whether you wanna

1. be patient and nourish it (by not picking fights with your bf about these things) and let it grow strong enough for you to trust him completely.

2. snuff the life out of the relationship by focusing on these issues instead of using this time to creat fantastic memories of your own!!!

"The choice is yours, CHOOSE WISELY!"

browniebaobao SG

What do u expect? The things are there, they do hold some memories for him. Who are u to take away those memories? Even if u are his gf, u are a demanding one. I'm a girl, but I think that u are overly sensitive and jealous of all those things. He said he can't remember what things were from her..and u still asked him to remove them. Come on, aren't u reminding him of her? Aren't you forcing him to recall those memories?

What about you? You ever had a bf before him? Do u throw away all ur things? Did he ever tell u that he dun like u to keep those things etc? If u dun have faith in him, then why make both of u so tired? He has the right to keep those things. If they are an eyesore to you, then dun look! And dun think! Who ask u to mind so much? The problem is not him, is YOU!

Komon SG

relax relax ! don sound as if u are picking on a fight Rolling Eyes

starblue SG

dear ah.... you're really putting pressure on your guy.. and he's always "staring and not saying anything or playing with something" prob cos he doesnt want to quarrel with you over it... he's already "giving in" to you already... like many have said... those things from his ex wun make him love his ex or keep thinking of his ex one... sometimes, people keep things there just out of habit. it may not mean anything at all...

if you are REALLY itching about it, just tell him gently. then, stop at that. the rest is up to him. afterall, you still have to respect him... dun add anymore undue stress on the already tout situation now.. good luck gal.

Devil1976 SG

Let me put this simple for you.

Your relationship's status is at 'neutral'. The soft toys and things ain't really causing 'practical problems' except your emotional stir ups. You think alot. Too much. If your bf thinks equally much, your relationship could have easily been a gone case. What's your horoscope btw?

Imagine you have already intruded his privacy. Now you want to step over to his side of the domain and demand things to be the way you want it to be?

Whatever's the outcome... Maybe it should just be... The way it should be...?

I wish you luck... And go think about it... How important is this relationship to you... Or perhaps yor ego is bigger?

Kimosabe SG

No offence taken..I appreciate all your opinions,no matter how harsh it may sound. Its good for me anyway. I’ll see what I can do about my own flaws. God bless.