I am a 36 year old man and a successful professional. What i am
going to tell u now is something which happened to me. But it is as
though a lifelong dream never heard, never known, never seen , a
love story around 10 -15 years ago. The whole affair was a self
indulgent fantasy. The year was 1988 when i was in JC I fell in
love with a gal in my class.
This years i wont forget for the rest of my life. It was a one
sided love. She didnt have any feelings for me then. I was blindly
and fruitlessly in love..We never went on dates, never went to the
movies but yet i felt a kind of married to her feeling. I was
obsessed like a madman. I confessed my love to her but for some
reason she didnt took it seriously. As u know (any old guys here)
those times girls come from strict families. After graduation I
entered the dreaded NS with a heavy heart. During my 2 year stint
there, i was not able to contact her and the last time of ever
heard of her was that she entered the local U. Upoun ORD i had the
grades to go to to the same Uni she went but because of my my 2
year NS, she was already in her 3rd year. That was in 1992.
Initially i was happy as i could still see her and talk but the
relationship was not that close like when we were in JC partly
because we both were slightly older.
I proposed to her, and got turned down. Again i had the same
feeling i had when entering the dreaded NS, a feeling of being lost
when she graduated leaving to spend my 2 years there alone and in
depression. Day and night i was thinking and thinking when the
final blow came - she was about to get married when i was about to
be graduated from Uni. Life was hell for me from then on. I became
a drunkard and could not work even though i had a degree. In those
times people could afford to do that because life in Singapore was
rather simple. After a year, I pulled out of this mess when someone
offered me a job in the US. Initially i had no heart to go, as i
didnt want to live Singapore and leave behind the old memories.
Memories which i cant let go but cant live with it either. I
plunged into the decision and decided to go to US. From then there
was no turning back. My decision to leave this country was wise.
The change of environment,nature and people in fact helped me to
get over my grief and failure in love. I stopped thinking about her
after some time I left for the US in 1995 and only returned to
singapore 3 times in 10 years.
Singapore was indeed changing quite fast and it was not like the
olden times in the 80s. During one my visits here, I heard of her
again through a close associate of mine. What i was about to hear
came as the 2nd blow for me. The girl i loved and adored during my
younger days I found out did not have a smooth life. Her husband
was having affairs with other women and her marriage ended up in
divorce and and bankruptcy. Then last year i tracked her down and
met her. We had a decent talk over dinner. Being grown ups it was
quite different now. She knew that some part of me has not died
out, it's still there . She found that out in that conversation we
had. For the first time i had that same feelings returning when i
was younger. The same feelings of "never say die" attitude. I had
lived with the hope and despair both in conflict for over 10 years
for some corner in my heart i knew through Fate I will meet her
again. it is just time which seems to be passing slow. Although i
felt sad for her that things turned out this way, I wished i could
helped her. But she is not the same person anymore. People do
change as they grow older. Some for the better, some for the worst,
yet some in unexplainable ways. I found again the same dilemna i
had during my school days. The same feeling of helpnesses. Though
some part of me was happy that i met her . Some part of me wanted
to come out as the teen and early 20s guy i was before. But years
have passed. The longing hasnt died out. At times it is good to
expereince some deja vu and nostalgia to remind u of the
past.
I just wish to tell this to the younger generation out there. The
girls being materialistic and the guys in a dilemna . This is the
current generational trend. things have changed compared to my
time. The people have changed. The way this country is run is not
the same as in the past. For both dont let your past failures get
the better of u . They can consume u and yr life. Instead use it as
a stepping stone to progress in life. The disappointment and anger
i expereinced years ago were the driving factors in my life. Be
spiritual , have compassion in your heart and soul in yr minds. .
Most importantly have faith in things. keep your love close. Keep
your Faith closer. Ultimately in the darkest hours, Faith will lead
u. Money and material worth is not important to life. For just a
survival means. Love should not be dependent on economics.
God's Love is this story, and I shall tell all who listen. God is
with you and he will guide you to the one you love someday. Indeed
he works in mysterious ways.
John
San Francisco, USA
