to divorce or not to divorce? need advice.

last SG · 2005-07-03T07:20:08+00:00

thanks. my eldest kid is 11 years old and the youngest 4 years old. it will be tough financially. shan yang fei is definitely what i'm going after now.

the Bear SG

do that..

because sometimes, monetary gain isn't worth the mental torture...

i hope you and your children will be well...

Magnus SG

I am really surprise that your lawyer asked u not to sign the divorce papers.
Yeah, you should go look for another lawyer.

With 4 children to be in your custody, the fact that he is staying with his lover, and you have reported police before, you stand to gain.
If he can't get the money to pay for the alimony, his girlfriend 'can help'.

commonsense SG

hmm yes.. it's not worth it...

thanks!

sbst275 SG

As a guy, I depise such man...

As for alimony, since he has a woman os, he is rightfully to pay as he is in the fault

pisces8 SG

Neutral

gerrykoh SG

If u don't sign divorce papers, then he has to wait 3 yrs. before he can marry his gf.

Seek help from Legal Aid Bureau cos u don't have much money.
I think u should still get half share of the flat even though he paid for it.
The amt u get depends on the length of yr marriage & yr hubby's earning power.

As for alimony, don't expect to get any cos yr unscrupulous hubby can give excuse he is jobless & don't have the money.
It can be very stressful cos everytime he don't pay, u have to go court & chase for payment- my ex-colleague had this problem.
If u need financial help, can always speak to yr MP.

jOhO SG

I see your strength in this matter and hope the best for you. Sorry to hear of your predicament, but by virtue of the fact that you have forced yourself to clear your mind to make decisions that will better you and your children, i feel things will be better from now. hope you last the distance.

sorree, not much help in terms of legal advice. i'm not too sure myself. take care!

commonsense SG

actually the lawyer i saw was one who volunteered at AWARE. they have such regular sessions there to help advise women on legal matters.

i read the Sunday Times 's article which was about divorce payout.. that the law is not about punishment but equities.. and also, one of the factors being the lifestyle prior to divorce.. in the past he gives me just $500 for family expenses (minus the bills).. another lawyer friend told me that if he can prove that we can survive on just that amount in the past, the maintenance he has to pay likely would not be much more than that. never mind the fact that we lan lan try to survive on that $500 because he said the coy freeze OT wages due to poor economy. Rolling Eyes man i feel so stupid typing this now.. how did i ever trust him to that extent.. grr..

commonsense SG

erm.. 4 years of separation if i don't sign the divorce papers. in fact, consider his abusive nature, i'm more worried about my life than not getting the alimony if i pushed him to breaking point.. so one of these days you see some headlines about local woman being chopped up blah blah.. it is possibly me. Mr. Green

jokes aside.. he has already warned about quitting his job and we not getting anything from him...... so probably one of these days you'll see headlines like a woman and 4 kids move all their barang barang to void deck.. lol!

ok i won't be laughing if that day comes. Neutral

mistyblue SG

Be prepared he will not pay maintenance.
Get your family/friends on your side to assist you
Get a job.

commonsense SG

thanks for your encouragement. i'm lucky that my kids are pretty close to me and young they may be, but they are pretty supportive. i too, hope i'll be able to last the distance. i'll want to see who has the last laugh. Evil or Very Mad

mistyblue SG

[quote]Originally posted by commonsense:
[b]

erm.. 4 years of separation if i don't sign the divorce papers. in fact, consider his abusive nature, i'm more worried about my life than not getting the alimony if i pushed him to breaking point.. so one of these days you see some headlines about local woman being chopped up blah blah.. it is possibly me. Mr. Green

jokes aside.. he has already warned about quitting his job and we not getting anything from him...... so probably one of these days you'll see headlines like a woman and 4 kids move all their barang barang to void deck.. lol!

What gerry meant is separation (I think). Under separation, he cannot marry the other women adn if he does, he can be further charged. His kid will be a "bastard" for the time being.

You actually had details of his adultery. Divorce is straightforward. Courts will rule in your favour but what happens in reality is never this way.

BTW, life here on will be very tough. Mentally, emotionally, financially and physically.
And do speak with your kids about your decisions and help them understand.

Frankly, he's never been there for you - at least don't let yourself be treated so badly. I believe that the flat can be sold but how is the flat going to be divided is the question. You can rent from HDB those 1 room flats but you would really need to make do and squeeze your expenses. If there's a rule against that, you can go to the courts and get a letter or you can write in and appeal.

mistyblue SG

Originally posted by commonsense:
[b]

erm.. 4 years of separation if i don't sign the divorce papers. in fact, consider his abusive nature, i'm more worried about my life than not getting the alimony if i pushed him to breaking point.. so one of these days you see some headlines about local woman being chopped up blah blah.. it is possibly me. Mr. Green

jokes aside.. he has already warned about quitting his job and we not getting anything from him...... so probably one of these days you'll see headlines like a woman and 4 kids move all their barang barang to void deck.. lol!

What gerry meant is separation (I think). Under separation, he cannot marry the other women adn if he does, he can be further charged. His kid will be a "bastard" for the time being.

You actually had details of his adultery. Divorce is straightforward. Courts will rule in your favour but what happens in reality is never this way.

BTW, life here on will be very tough. Mentally, emotionally, financially and physically.
And do speak with your kids about your decisions and help them understand.

Frankly, he's never been there for you - at least don't let yourself be treated so badly. I believe that the flat can be sold but how is the flat going to be divided is the question. You can rent from HDB those 1 room flats but you would really need to make do and squeeze your expenses. If there's a rule against that, you can go to the courts and get a letter or you can write in and appeal.

mistyblue SG

http://www.lawsociety.org.sg/html/awareness/divorce.htm

http://www.subcourts.gov.sg/Family/processes/apply_divorce_Dec2003.htm

http://www.familycourtofsingapore.gov.sg/principles/faq_marriage.htm

commonsense SG

yo misty! thanks for those links.. i've already read through the sites.

i've explained to my kids, esp. the elder 2. my eldest daughter was never on good terms with my hubby ever since he *KOK* her head with the cordless phone during a quarrel with me. that was years ago.

my elder son had been pretty neutral in the beginning (the father dotes on him most) but last week he tried to call him on HIS HP and found it diverted to the woman's HP instead, and she scolded my son right there for 'disturbing her peace'. i took over the phone and insisted my hubby to come to the phone (all this while my phone was on speaker's mode).. he took over and said brainless stuff to the extent like "so what if she scolded (myson)?!" .. well.. i didn't expect that kind of thing from him.. so i felt quite bad that my son heard it for himself what his father really is.

the reason i want to keep this flat is because, my parents and brothers live just a floor above our flat. they have been very great help to me all this while.. both financially and mentally. and in a way, i feel better that my kids can grow up in such an environment with fatherly roles (my bros are in their mid and late 20s) around them. it beats having to bring them up in a single-parent (myself) family without a fatherly role model for my sons esp. my hubby grew up in a single-parent family. his father and uncles are ALL womanizers and have mistresses and offsprings everywhere. i'm not joking.

jOhO SG

sometimes a bit of "pride" (a milder way of saying it, instead of saying "hate" which is way too strong i feel, for your case) can push u on, so good for u!

wonderful kids! had the pleasure of playing with a few kids this past weekend when i was shooting a wedding, all begged me to take their photos and show on the LCD to them.

i'm sure they bring u immense joy. focus on them. Smile

countdracula SG

go ahead, divorce the sob...the house would most likely go to you, it's a matrimonial asset and local courts tend to favour mothers. get the 500 monthly deal an that's it...he can quit if he wants to but you can show cause that this is deliberate then he will squat in jail for 2 weeks every month.

at the end of the day, even if you get nothing out of this, it's still worth it. you get the emotional garbage out of your life and move on. the longer you linger, that's a likelyhood that your children may despise you too for clinging onto a deadbeat.

by the way, 4 kids at 31...you are brave...

mistyblue SG

Well, try calling HDB for advice:
http://www.hdb.gov.sg/isoa032p.nsf/infoweb?openframeset
http://www.hdb.gov.sg/isoa032p.nsf/infoweb?openframeset

And find out how to work out something for you. But are you sure that your ex-husband when he runs out of $ will not come back and harass you knowing you stay there?

Your husband wasted a chance to change his life around and having a bad background is not an excuse to screw his own family. He's unthankful for what he's got. But you got to get away from such a situation. Hopefully your son will never follow his footsteps. I feel its good he's hear it himself and learn to deal with it sooner than later.

I am sad for your situation.

tare SG

divorce on the ground of adultery and get half his assets. ask for a big alimony cos of the 4 kids.... no need to give face lor... freedom comes with a price tag....

dun let him drag.... he'll keep thinking u still need him and he'll have the upper hand....

live well and happy.... leave the suffering and beatings to the other woman... Twisted Evil

runbox SG

Originally posted by commonsense:
[b]okz my hubby committed adultery and his other woman is now pregnant and pressuring him to divorce me. we were married for 11 yrs.
i muz say i hv been a gd mother and wife all these years and did nothing unforgiveable. his only grouse was that i am a housewife and cannot share his financial burden.

i know it is both of our fault that our marriage breaks down. i had given him the chance, and told him that if he is able to give up this woman, we can always start anew.

he tried to use delay tactic and said he needed time to consider (makes it sound like i'm begging him for a chance!duh!) and meanwhile living with the woman in a rented flat, paid for by the woman. so a month has passed and he said he is sticking to THEIR original decision.

so now.. i need advice.
- he is 32 and i am 31. he is not rich and earning about $2000/mth.
- i stick to him when he was bankrupt from 98 to 2001. and he was earning $800/mth and my parents paid for our utilities.
- he does not want my kids' custody. i do not intend to give him any.
- he is a wife-beater and i have ever made a police report at Alex.Hosp.
- he shows NO sign of guilt or remorse. in fact, he still feels he is doing the right thing 'living for himself' to quote him.

- the flat is the 2nd we bought. the first with both our CPF. this current one from his CPF alone. he wants to divorce so that i have to pay him his share of the flat. my kids and i definitely needs a roof over our heads.
Qn. how does this law work here?

my main qn. is, will a divorce benefits me and my kids?

i do not want to be so mercenery and end this relationship at a bad note. but, i am not financially independent yet and is now trying to. i have to protect my kids' interests and get a good bit of alimony outta him in the case of divorce. or maintenance in the case of no divorce.

thanks in advance for your advices.

[/b]

Hi commonsense,

Really sympathise with your situation here. Been reading through your whole story. Please do not feel guilty or remorseful about making a choice in divorcing your husband. In my opinion, as a husband he should be supporting the household (you and your kids) and not use the excuse of "you not being to help him financially". Also, worst of all, is that he's having an affair outside. This kinda husband is a disgrace to all men.

Here's some of my personal advice for you:

Before you go on a divorce, there are matters which you need to prepare. Try to have a record book of your daily/monthly households expenses, keep all the reciepts of the bills you have paid.

Also, seek help from Legal Aid Bureau in your divorce matter, as they will be able to help you in getting lawyer aid at a subsidised rate.

When lodging in the divorce case, please be truthful with the lawyer and tell them everything. Regarding your husband having an affair outside with another woman and the woman is pregnant with his child; that previously you have ever lodged in a case of him abusing you at Alex. Hosp; how he abuses your kids; and you and your kids are constantly under emontional pressure when he's at home etc.

When the lawyer asks for the terms that you want. You can request for a Police Protection Warrant to deter him from further absuing you and your kids; also request for a Court Order for him to move out of the house immediately and not to stay together in the same house; your kids custody to be under your care; ask for a flat % divide of 70 (you):30 (your husband) and buy over his share of the flat; and also one lump sum of alimony from him (don't request for your alimony to be paid in installaments, b'cause guys like him will go MIA after paying a few months.).

Try to get the most money out of him, you and your kids still have a long way to go. You can always check out the women's charter to understand more of your rights as a woman.

http://www.familycourtofsingapore.gov.sg/principles/act353/acts_act353_frame.htm

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