Commitment Phobia - another angle
Sometimes when a man or a woman starts to get attached to another
person they start what's known as 'imaginary role playing'. This
means that before their mates even are aware of the attachment the
CP (commitment phobic) has already (in their mind) played out what
it would be like to have a lifelong commitment with the person they
are attached to. They start imagining their roles as husbands, or
wives, and what these roles entail - long before their mates are
even aware of it.
When any two people become engaged, or make a commitment, very
rarely have they not played the imaginary role in their heads long
before they made the commitment! I mean you wouldn't buy new
clothes without trying them out first, would you? You wouldn't
purchase a car without giving it a test drive first, would you? And
you definitely wouldn't make a commitment without considering your
role in the commitment first, would you?
So then what happens? The CP will start to think about this
commitment and imagine all the flaws in the relationship that could
possibly arise. If they are serious about their mate they may then
attempt to change their partners - to ensure their role is more
comfortable. All of a sudden their partners are bombarded with a
bunch of "you should do this," or "you should do that".
But, no matter what their mates do to please them, the CP will not
be pleased. He/She has already tried on their role and have already
seen where it will fail - and they aren't going to risk that
failure.
The pressures both CP men and CP women face in their role are
enormous. And they soon learn to fear the fact that they may fail
at such deep responsibilities. For the man the responsibilities he
may feel to be most overwhelming are those of being able to
provide, be supportive, and solve all the problems in the
relationship. For the woman she may see that she has to remain
eternally youthful, slim, perfect mother, perfect cook, and
surrender her career to a lifetime of nurturing thankless children
and a husband who is too busy with his job and sports to give her
the time of day.
The images of trying to be the perfect mother/wife, or
husband/father can be exhausting, to say the least. Fear has a hand
in it, too. They fear failure. Not being able to provide 'this', or
keep up with 'that'.
The man may believe that he has to have the perfect job, be the
perfect father, the perfect handyman, the perfect tower of strength
24/7. And the woman believes that she has to be the perfect cook,
the perfect housewife, add additional income to the family budget,
be a great mother, and still remain sexy and mysterious to keep her
man interested - 24/7!
Geez, what pressure! No wonder why we buckle, turn tail, and run at
the slightest hint of the word 'commitment'.
The mistake many make is in thinking they have to live up to the
'married woman / married man' role they have 'imagined' in their
head. These are false expectations. Marriage is not meant for just
perfect people! Gawd, if we all had to be perfect to fall in love
and commit to each other and to a relationship, the world would be
full of a lot of very lonely people!
Just a thought...
