Talking out their problems, it never stops!!!

last SG · 2005-03-06T23:30:59+00:00

We can advise but not change their minds.

AntiAnti SG

I dunno, people in some emotional trouble always cannot stop talking about their problems, even after advising them, they just go back in that loop like a broken recorder, repeating and repeating!!!! I know we are all guilty of that!!! But it sux advising to people when that happens, feel like just record my advise and playback to counteract the looping.............. Shocked

CenturionMBT SG

they are just feeling insecure and they want to speak up thats all. Do them a favour and just listen. You don’t have to advise them on anything.

Patrik SG

U have to be a gd listener besides being a good advisor.
Smile

Qitai SG

Sometimes, they are not looking for advise, but just a listening year. So, maybe you just need to listen without offering any advise.

Oyster Omelette SG

Sometimes they like to listen the same thing over again is because the words that they see or hear are like good music.They want it played over and over again Twisted Evil

It's addicting I tell ya!

SunRisE SG

When one is emotionally down.. they always wanna have someone by their to lend a listening ear.. if you can give good advices.. if cant.. then jus listen.. that's all they need from a friend...

Of cos you will definitely say.. give advices but they still dun understand and not heed your advices.. Don't worry.. one day they will understand what you told them.. this is becos they never experience they never know..

Tell them is not who they are.. what they do.. or what they have that makes them happy or unhappy.. is what THEY THINK ABOUT! Wink

parn SG

Maybe they shouldn't go to you in the first place with their problems/troubles? Rolling Eyes

If you don't really feel like you want to tolerate them, you can always tell them off and ask them to look for someone else.

Really felt sorry for those poor souls who came to seek your advice. Please try to be more patient towards them...as turning them away will eventually discourage them from speaking out their problems/troubles. And it is something that we don't encourage people to do so...which is the purpose why this Aunt Agony forum is here. To encourage anyone with any problems to share anonymously without any strings attached.

Please continue to help them if you are given the ability to do so. Smile

M©+square SG

Haha, i've had so many of these cases that i cut down on advises. Or i'll retreat into my world after talking and listening to them. I believe in them making their own decisions. Yes it suxs.

Usually for people who speaks about their problems like broken recorder, they actually enjoyed talking about it(subconsciously), or they are addicted to those problems. Vicious cycle to karmic reasons. They just can't leave it alone or solve it, neither can they listen to you too...cos they felt helpless.

But you can't blame these people, when they come to you. It means they respect you or that they trust you.
Maybe you want to listen only? Yeah, listening to a broken recorder is a pain....i understand.
If you feel that you don't owe that person your time. Simply don't listen.
He/she will look for another 'victim' to talk to.

parn SG

How can you say that? That's so selfish of you. Rolling Eyes

It happens because the counseller didn't exactly get to the root of their problem and solve it permanently. Evil or Very Mad

Most of the time, the real problem isn't presented to you easily. It is usually hidden behind the problem which they tell you. People simply don't get real honest about their real problem that easily. Sad

ShrodingersCat SG

hehehe i think he is talking about

people who tends to become self absorbed in their own problems
there are people like that
who refuse to see the bigger picture
and just sort of dig in their toes and persist in being miserable
you can listen to them, but it really doesn't help much
because they are in their own vicious cycle
and don't learn from their problems or difficulties
but often end up in the same cycle over and over again.

also, yah its difficult to be a friend to someone
who only comes to you when he/she has a problem
and when you have a problem
your problems are never as bad as his/her problems

and u are right.
no one owes anyone a living or a listening.

M©+square SG

Dear Parn,

We are talking a different class of people in this thread. I'm not generalising on those seeking advices i'll avoid. But i'm particularly address on those who actually enjoys repeat their sad plight again and again.
All i can say is, if i have the capacity to listen and walk with them, i will.
it's the counseller who didn't get to the root of their problem or they themselves didn't want the counsellers to know?
Like you've said in the last para. REAL problem isn't presented simply because they don't get honest.
Counsellers do not hold counsellees by the neck and demand honesty.
Neither do counsellees owe counsellers any explaination.

My conclusion:
WE are talking about a specific class of people who have the tendency to repeat their mistakes.
If they truly want to have a listening ear. I'm glad to listen, but if i'm a friend. I'd definately voice out what i see and address the problem with a bigger mental picture, allows the person to have second person view and take different routes from there.

Counsellers can get to the root problem and advise on it. But solving it depends on Counsellee's decision.
(Good Will Hunting)

If he/she wants to share, then make sure he/she doesn't in anyway disrespect the listener by hidding certain important or real reasons behind the existing problems. It is an insult to the listener(personally i feel so)
They don't owe me any honesty....but i also don't owe them a listening ear and my time.
So if i'm willing to listen, the person better be honest with me, i can smell lacking details very quickly.

Lastly, they COULD have liked the way they are subconsciously.
-They like being in the problem yet hate it.
-They like to tell people their sad incident.
-They like to create self pity

No matter what happens or how good the advise is, like what SunriSe replied. One day they'll change.

Hope you see my perspective.

Cheers

eyonx SG

someone who gives advice can only be the crutch,
the other person has to do the walking.

Devil1976 SG

Gee. Your 1st and only post since sept 2003? Shocked Question

eyonx SG

haha .... lets juz say i am not a frequent visitor....
with too much to say, too little time to write, procastinate, lazy, etc :-p

in any case i think your communication 101 would be very appropriate for this forum as a self help thingy. however i think it morphed quite quickly into something else

one of the poster mentioned listening ... and it is apparent that not many others picked up on that post. i think it is a bit tragic. it isnt until one really tries to listen that one finds how difficult it can be.

of course an easier (and perhaps better) alternative is to pick up books to read and learn. (no, not the mars-venus kind)

nuchio SG

these people dont want a listening ear as what we think and give.

they want a confirmation.

they know what they should do but they want to do otherwise. so they are hoping that someone will come along and tell them what they want to hear.

example : my gal friend's boyfriend cheated on her. she was upset and called some of us for advice. 6 of us girls told her to dump him (we know him well and expected it to happen) and only one person told her to give him another chance. (this was a guy; saying that it is normal for men to stray every now and then).

you guessed it. she stayed (but he went on to cheat on her again and again) she took HIS advice because she said that the male perspective would be more appropriate.

she just wanted someone to say it is ok to take him back and found the answer in him. Rolling Eyes

i think that if people choose to stay in denial, we should just let them be.

timble SG

...

keuriseudo SG

Just listen.

timble SG

It's very important to have someone there to talk. I'm not refering to people on the other extreme.My colleague has been entertaining her fren who keeps repeating her problems for years...and that will rener profssional help.

It is normal for people in distress to talk and repeat their probs..because they can't accept the truth, they want to dissect the prob and find out what went wrong...it may take weeks, months...mayb even years for them to stop repeating.. but one thing for sure, the freq will decrease as time passes..

It is horrible if one can't find anyone to talk to.The hotlines.. some were engaged, some require face-face, appointment cum moneybasis.. and SOS seems to be more for suicidal case...
Everyting comes with a price..even advice

No one owes anyone listening ears or advice, but it will always sound sweet to a depressed person if there is even one person who is willing to listen and genuinely wished for the person to be happy again, be it frens or strangers

It gives that person strength and the warm feeling that someone still wants to know about hm/her and their stories..that someone still cares.

timble SG

double post..

Waterapple SG

They just want the feel of having someone listening to them. This is a solution in itself. After they let off everything, they would calm down and think more rationally and start resolving them. Not sexist here, but i think girls tend to be in this category.

Some would just come to you for quick solutions and before you can complete your words, they probably starting think of solutions and asking you; can it be solved this way, can it be done like that. Guys tend to fix in here.

However, all those who come to you regard you as a friend and trust you. Be a friend to them. Who knows, you may go to them for the same reasons next time.