It was in 2002 that i met Y .The me then was unambitious, overly
laid back and the kind who had no goals..jus living one day at a
day type.He was the exact opposite.Intelligent,very soft spoken and
gentle.A executive with a great future.But it was not til the third
date til i fell for him.Our relationship was very intense.Y was
very very affectionate and sweet.He was perfect.
About two to three weeks into our relationship,he started becoming
distant.I was too afraid to ask y til we stopped all contact.Then
when i could not stand it anymore,i called him.His reply was that
there was just something lacking in our relationship but he just
did not know what exactly.And that he felt his feelings for me were
just not strong enough.By then i was crying and pleading for one
more try.After a long talk,he agreed.So everything seemed fine for
awhile...We even went to Genting( i think he would agree too:We had
the time of our lives)He was still sweet but no longer very
affectionate.But i really felt he was really trying hard to accept
me.On our second day back in S'pore,he hid a diamond bracelet in
his car which he gave to me later rather shyly 
.Around that same period of time,he gave up his stable job to start
a small business with a friend.No more shirt,pants and ties.No more
9-6 comfy airconditioned job.Instead a supplies 'uncle' job
carrying heavy cartons,wearing slippers ,working 5am to around
10pm!!! However, both of us could not avoid the fact that
somethings were missing.Especially after i saw the old letters his
ex(es) had given him,and those he had given them(they had returned
them to him).Those letters showed another side of Y.How he was when
he did love someone,how a giver rather than taker he was.He was
capable of loving.Those letters were like a wake up call for me.The
truth was he did not love me.
Soon after seeing those letters,i became very insecure.This led to
our first quarrel.In a moment of rebell,i told him i would agree to
a break-up.Very surprisingly,he hugged me and told me no,he would
try his best to love me.In our fights that followed on later,our
fights would be always about he telling me he had tried his best
but we had to end.Then the fight would always end with me kneeling
on the floor asking for yet another try.It would end with his heart
softening.The soft spoken,gentle man was no longer there.I had
pushed him to the limits,forcing him to love me.
Once he kicked me in my stomach til i flew far away,cos i was
clinging to his legs in an attempt to retain him.For sometime,i was
staying at his place.Despite all,we were just like any normal
couple.holding hands,watching movies.One thing both he and i would
agree is the fact that with or without love,we were very very
close.We were like perfect soulmates if not for the fact that he
did not love me.He once told me:"How i wish i did love you.''I
never did give up then,hoping that one day he would.I was his
secretary,his best friend.
This seemingly hopeless relationship dragged on til 2003.After a
million i-dun-luv-u(s) from him i still could not let go.Til the
day a fight so big erupted,he in turn begged me to let go.So we
could both live again.I realised how selfish i had been.While we
were together,i had given unconditionately.And he had cared for me
endlessly,knowing he could not repay me with his love.I had changed
a gentle man into a man into a man who could turn vulgar and a
little violent.With the support of friends,i let go.I was really
over him,so i thought...............
Around 6 months after we broke up,some how we met up again.I had
met someone i quite liked at that time.Y started calling me very
often and he was different to me.The way he treated me felt like
the way i hoped he would in the past.He told me he had a galfriend
of about 2 weeks,that really really was a galfriend in name only.I
knew they saw each other and spoke very rarely.They were really
nothing.We became closer and closer and my feelings once again grew
again...
He told me he missed our past.I He felt something for me really
this time,but to give him time to break off his other so called
relationship.I was so in love again.I mean, he was so so sure of
his un-love to me the first time.If he can tell me this
later,surely its true cos its after alot of serious thought???I
thought lucky me,heaven is fair after all.So i happily continued to
be by his side,supporting him,doing all i could while waiting for
him to settle the other woman.
Haha..so i waited n waited til he told me (again):"i broke off with
her.But sorry,i realised that i really dun luv you.sorry.''
how would u feel in my
position?.Around this time,he had a serious offence pending.His
business faced financial difficulties.I was so worried and felt the
only way was to be hostess. I was selected but(luckily?) was kicked
out by the 1st customer cos he said i was too decently dressed like
a nun!I ran out and was thinking what had i degraded me to.So i
worked in a nightspot trying to save some $ in case he needed
it.
Y soon got a letter to inform him of his re-service soon.His
business partner had longed been out of the business.So he had for
a long time been doing everything by himself.So it was decided that
i would help me,and also hire a driver cos i could not drive.He
said he would give us a try after he settled his things.Anyway,He
did not have the time to teach me his business..From 6am to 11pm,i
worked like hell.Carrying goods heavier than me.I was 44kg,the
goods could be as heavy as 60kg.I told myself i had to hold
on.
Besides the physical torture,there was mental torture.Cos i had no
experience at all,alot of things were fxxxed up.Over the phone,Y
would scold me sometimes.When the driver did not turn up one
morning,i really wanted to end my life.Y's re-service was 2
weeks.After a few days,a lady called(Y had diverted all calls to my
phone).Without me even asking,she said she was his gf rudely and
hanged up.I was like,feeling so dumb..I had been hanging on cos of
the chance he promised.....But i put it aside cos there was no time
to think about these.
2 weeks later,he was out of camp.I was so hopeful u would show some
appreciation by at least bringing me for a movie.But no,he said he
was tired.So i went out with my friends instead.We were going to a
night-spot and imagined my hurt when i saw his car in the car
park,at 3am.......All these time there had been traces of someone
else.His paper work had been done by someone,i knew cos of the
handwriting.He admitted it was indeed a woman's writing,but jus a
friend.I brushed all my negative thoughts becos he was soon to be
with me again.i strongly believed that cos despite everything he
had not lied to me before.If he had someone he would tell
me..
One morning i called him and there was no
response.After a few tries,a girl answered.I was in a state of
shock 
when she said:"Y is
sleeping.I'm his girlfriend."I jus hanged up.I took a cab to his
place immediate.I did not know what i wanted myself to see,or not
see.I was in a daze,not daring to go up.Upon reaching,i called my
friend.She said:''Go.I want u to go up to see the truth.After
seeing it,face it bravely and walk away.Dun shed a tear."I did. I
banged on the door til my palm bruised.But they did not open even
though there were whispers.Her ugly shoes were outside.Finally Y
called me.From the background i heard her shout:''The REAL GF is
here!Wat more to talk about?"
I told him to talk it over but i did not want to see her.He came
out to the staircase.Yes, he had a gf all the while while
re-service.I asked y he had promised me a chance?Was it cos he jus
needed me to help him??He kept silent.He said:''I have more
chemistry with her.''I was very calm.My heart was dead.3 yr of love
was over.So,i walked away slowly.Telling myself not to look back(in
the past,i would often turn back n hug him).No,walk on..I did not
turn back even once.Think even he was surprised i did not.Only upon
reaching downstairs,i allowed myself to cry.Cry cos i had been
replaced.The one playing with his dog,joking with his mum,packing
his things...She now could do all that. While i had been downgraded
to sitting outside his house,she was now queen.Y
had given her that authority
Being replaced in someone's life is a feeling i think only ppl who
gone through know.I had always adored his parents and wished to
bring his mum to concerts and dinners.Now that will forever remain
a wish...Wonder y his taste changed,cos he never liked loud
speaking rough types like his GF now,but ppl do change.For his
offence,he was in jail for 5weeks.
My heart pains when i think of him in jail.Good life pampered
boy,how to tolerate drinking toilet water?But he is out now.I do
feel hatred to him whenever i think of his string of lies,his
broken promise..But the other day i sent him a sms:"If u want we
can remain friends.The past is the past."Cos i feel that if i
continue to feel hatred,i can never move on.
If someone does not love you,even a million dollars or years or
sacrifice will not move his heart.If someone loves you,u don't have
to do anything (or you can do anything)but he will still love you
.
