i come from a pretty dysfunctional family too and can indentify
with all that you've posted. you're not alone in this -- many
singaporeans are forced to confront their tormented childhoods, and
i've seen people emerging as stronger individuals each time round.
on the other hand, i've also known people suffering from bad
moodswings, depression, and a phobia for marriage stemming from
such bad childhood experiences. being brought up in such a family
may not be such a bad thing if you do know how to react to
it.
my dad was like yours -- a male chauvinistic pig. our characters
clashed since i was young, and it was partly my fault -- i was a
rebellious, wild and proud kid. he was a proud man -- too proud to
give me a hug or tell me he loved me. he was exceptionally staunch
in his beliefs and i would not waver in mine too.
but i couldn't live with the way he treated my mum. shouts,
yellings pierced the golden silence that we had enjoyed for the
past few minutes. it became worse as i grew older. the shouts
turned into heated arguments and the arguments turned into
beatings. things reached a climax when my mum threatened to commit
suicide. i hated my mum for putting up with all this, i thought she
was a real dumbo. at that point of time, i was persuading my mum to
divorce my dad for the good of the family. however, with the
passing of time, i realised that she's actually one of the bravest
people in the world i've ever known. i really admire your mum for
the courage so evident in her. sometimes you would wish she just
left him, but it takes alot of longsuffering, patience and moral
courage, if i might add, to stick to your dad even when the going
gets tough. you ought to be proud of her. faithfulness is a thing
of the past in today's dog-eat-dog world.
don't hate your dad. i mean, we've all hurt others in one way or
another so try to refrain from pointing a finger at him k. for all
you know, he may not be aware that his actions have the effect of
hurting everyone, including you. you could try to initiate a
heart-to-heart conversation with him for two reasons. one, its the
perfect medium for you to unleash your bottled feelings. and two,
it has the potential to remedy the situation. he may be a bad
husband, but that does not make him a lousy father. once he
understands how you feel, he may wish to make some restitutions in
order to heal your emotional wounds.
i know how you feel, i struggled with loving my dad too. always
bear in mind that you are the one at the losing end hating. you end
up with emotional scars deep inside you and your train of thoughts
goes haywire. so stop hating him.
as for your mum... you can try to lighten her burden by helping her
with the housework or taking care of your siblings if you have any.
encourage her to take up other enrichment activities like cooking
lessons, taiji or a sightseeing tour etc. this will broaden her
social circle and being surrounded by friends helps to alleviate
the pain. encourage and praise her whenever you can, her
self-esteemed and dignity must have been severely damaged by the
affair. for my mum, she took things better after she became a
christian and went to church. she got a wider perspective of life,
and she's a happier person.
always remember that you are the one that can make a difference in
this bleak situation. the most important thing is not to allow your
parents' problems to enter your life. feel free to drop me a pm if
you need encouragement in your struggles. cheers.
