This has been goin on for a long time already. I believe its
tied in with my other relationship problems outside the home as
well, and has prolly affected me profoundly. Rather than pay 50
bucks to a shrink to listen to my tale and get nothing in return,
id rather just write it hear where i'll get nothing and save
money.
My mum and i cannot get along. Same with my dad and her. She is
good to us and always working and stuff. But I just do not connect
with her.. i do not like her because she is rude/loud, she gets
freaky unnecessarily and is a bit crazy too. The worst thing is..
there is no solution.
When i was 12, i suggested our family go for some sort of
councelling, it was never done. I am 19 now and we still are the
same. Although daddy goes out with mistresses, drinks and
frequently parties to get away, he's hardly home. Me being a
pathetic outcast from people (for reasons unknown up till now) and
with lesser money, do not have such escapism luxury. Mother
although works, she is most of the time at home..
Most of the things in the home belong to her, countless numbers of
BOOKs she doesn't read, things she buys, apparently, our hard teak
(evil looking mansion) type furniture was what she bought long ago
(according to dad). Mnany of my friends say our home's feng shui is
not good.. mother thinks our home looks high class and stuff.. i
think its dark, murky, evil and not very homely. Plus her books and
rubbish are everywhere. IT never seems to get cleaned even with a
maid and mother rearranging it all the time.
I remember i would always be compelled to make her bloody cups of
tea in my youth when i loathed doing the task.. or compelled to
fetch and ferry things, do this,,, do that.. etc. I never enjoyed
it because i never liked her. Close proximity with her =
arguements, loud shrieking and no conflict resolution whatsoever.
Now that i am older i try and avoid it and get out more, even if it
means hanging out by my lonesome.
Omg she just walked in and wants me to get out.. she just told me
to go jump off a building rather than try and write this.. as a
doctor told me to do.. in absence of friends..
Yeah but friends.. no one in sg (at least) wants a depressive freak
like me for a friend... you all want NICE homely NORMAL type of
friends to go out with. That makes it all the more hopeless when i
feel down and blue. Father tells me to go along to his parties, but
i always feel down because it further heightens the sense of
incompleteness in our family. Even if you try talking to people,
they shun u coz they think uve got "issues" and it saddens them
too, in todays world, rather than wanting sad friends, we all want
happy friends... friendship has become a kind of commodity.. god
dammit.
It has become so, i do not mind or care about swearing or how i
speak to people, as is probably evident by my posting.
I recall when my dear aunt wanted me to go with her to Beijing, i
wanted to go,, until mother wanted to tag along too. I have enough
arguements with mother already, usually she takes me out in the
car, to go to a doctor or to buy something or whatever, and always
we argue.. over the home or something trivial..
Like earlier just today.. i just said i want to relax today, i may
be going out with father at 5.. she said "YOU"VE GOT X and Y coming
over for dinner tonight!" in her freaky voice (I did not invite
them.. they are HER friends).. so i shut up and nodded. THe place
is in a mess, she said something about her wanting me to help out
sort it out.. i hate that, coz it usually means interacting with
her,, and by now i fear that coz it leads to arguements. And
arguements may end up in violence, police, murder and perhaps my
suicide when i want to escape it all. So i said to her "I fear that
mother.. because i do not want to get into arguements" she freaked
out and keeps raising her voice.. this is while she is driving btw.
I got so nervous, when we stopped i just got out of the car and got
a taxi home.
I remember when i was younger, i wouldn;t have the guts to get out
of the car when she gets all freaky. Once when i was 8, she had an
accident coz we were argueing. My god, i just remembered
that.
She keeps telling me i am such a bastard and a horrible person when
we argue, which is almost like all the time. I doubt my self worth
and want to die most of the time.
While in the car before i got off. THere was some mention of her
leaving us. I thought that would be a good idea, because with
ABSENCE we may gain deeper appreciation of each other, as i had
suggested often when i was 15 (but ofcourse it never got done...
just like it wont now). Perhaps i should mention to dad that we
should move out.
Either way. I am enlisting on jan 22nd. PErhaps the army will do me
some good. Being away from home for 2 years, staying on the base,
getting paid. I would be far away from home, dad and i plan to move
out somewhere. Although it is painful to see him with many other
women (which i will see once we move to a new place), it is less
painful than being with mother and her freakiness sometimes. I am
looking forward to ns in that sense.. if i do not shoot my future
antagonistic commander in a moment of despair.. which i feel
constantly nowadays.
Nah i couldn;t do that.. i couldn't even kill myself, yet alone
kill another. But then again.. an m-16 takes a lot less courage to
operate than throwing urself over a 12 storey building.
THinking about it.
