Source :
http://www.straitstimes.com.sg/sub/life/story/0,5562,281047,00.html?
Oct 25, 2004
STRAIGHT TALK
Men hate 'sloppy seconds'
Be gone, ex-boyfriend, you belong in my girl's past - so stay
there
By Nicholas Fang
STING once said that 'if you love somebody, set them free'.
I take it that he means people in love should not subject one
another to possessive demands but should allow each other to enjoy
personal freedom and happiness.
Slightly cheesy though his lyrics may be, they still sound like
good advice.
However, they seem harder to follow than one would imagine,
especially for us guys.
I've noticed guys tend to harbour more animosity towards their
girl's ex-boyfriend than the other way around.
A guy I know objected violently when his girlfriend said she would
be attending a party where an ex-flame might turn up too.
One of my ex-girlfriends has been forbidden by her husband from
meeting me. Ever.
I've seen other guy friends sulk, cry and feign terminal illness to
keep their girlfriend's past loves in the past.
While men are not particularly sensible or mature as a collective
herd, I was puzzled by these extreme reactions.
Can't we leave the past in the past? Is it residual childishness,
innate irrationality, insecurity, or just plain cluelessness that
makes us act in this way?
The concept, I'm told, swings both ways, but I find that girls tend
to be more rational when it comes to ex-es.
One of my friends who is in his early 30s says the concept of
'sloppy seconds' is a significant cause of angst for men. 'We don't
like to be reminded that some other guy has been with our girl
before us.'
A female friend in her early 30s says that usually a lot depends on
how the previous relationships ended. 'If they broke up badly, it's
unlikely that any old flames are left to be rekindled. But if it
was due to circumstances beyond their control, then it's harder to
say.'
She says she isn't as wary of old flames as she is of new
ones.
'The fact that it's over already shows that there was some reason
why it didn't work out and there's that level of reassurance
there.
'But if they meet someone new, then the temptation is that much
greater.'
This sounds sensible, which is probably why we men don't get
it.
A friend, also in his early 30s, agrees that it isn't just
irrational, testosterone-driven behaviour that drives men to
despair when their girlfriends want to meet an ex 'just to catch
up'.
'As guys, we know, or at least think we know, how other guys think
and behave.
'That means we're instantly suspicious of the motives of these
ex-boyfriends who just want to 'meet up and chat' with our
girlfriends.'
That sounds a bit paranoid. But then again, just because you're
paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.
But my friend also believes that, as a guy, it pays to be less of a
control freak in any relationship. 'It never puts someone in a good
light to appear insecure and possessive. It's better to let her do
what she wants to do.
'If they want to do something and it makes them happy, why should
we stop them? If someone is going to try anything funny, it could
happen anytime, anywhere.'
Some of my male friends also agree that an individual's level of
self-confidence, security and the strength of each relationship are
all important factors in determining one's comfort level in such
situations.
Personally, I think that if two people believe in each other, then
things that have come before and things that are still to come will
give way to what they have right now.
People nowadays have enough to grapple with on a day-to-day basis
without having to fend off the ghosts of relationships from years
gone by.
And besides, planning for a future together is almost always more
fun than fretting about ancient history.