still traumatised by an event that happened 10years ago

bismarck SG

not sure if it's exactly 10years ago or something but i clearly remember every event that took place, what i saw, hear thought and just abt the exact time of each event.

my parents were having the biggest fight i saw and they wanted to divorce and at that time my concept of divorce was barely there, all i knew was that i wont get to live with both of them again and i maybe split with my sister. my mum was hastily packing her belongings and my sis did so to. then my sis came to my room and told me to go to her's as my dad wanted to see me.

when i got there, quite a few things in her room was gone and my dad sat in the chair with the red cushion asking me while holding my hands whether who would i choose to be with, i panicked and got very afraid and because i was sort of tagging my sis and mum all the time (being young), i could see my dad's expression being sad or something. i said "mum". now i knew how hurtful those words were. he lowered his head and touched my hands once more and said "ok". i nvr knew what that meant until now. i ran off to pack my stuff and we got on the car and we drove to this carpark at the HDB estate near my house to sleep. i felt quite hot and complained why wasnt the car's aircon on and i was told that we cant leave the engine running. then i made noise abt something then my mum drove us home and i saw my dad walking to the living room then slouching on the cushioned chair watching tv. the night just ended like that.

everytime i think of it, i have this nauseous feeling. and no matter how i was feeling before thinking of it, i would just panic.

sgFish SG

well..its 10 years ago..don't think too much ya? =)

so what happened in the end?

Ito_^ SG

u feel guilty towards your dad and you fear that they will break up and leave you alone, or at least dats wad happened den. bt the feeling, or at least what is left of it remains and further reenforced shortly after, especially the guilt part.

well, if you can't forget, den dun forget, live with it, accept it.

Devil1976 SG

It's a PAST... Let it PASS...

Traumatised? A nightmare's only a nightmare if you keep thinking of and going back to them... Sorry to disappoint you... But your case? Probably be seeing much worse in the society... Learn to be STRONG...

What's the worst? A divorce...? Nothing much these days....

o(O.o)o SG

True, but let's all understand that it takes time and is alot easier said than done Wink

But HELL yea..10 years.. that's really.. hard to get by...

Well nVm.. jux [t]ake [c]are... =D

hopy SG

Acknowledge the event, but dun dwell in it... Cool

Devil1976 SG

Yeah... Agree to that...

Yup... 10 years' a LONG TIME... The POINT is... If you don't wanna let go, you never will...

gerrykoh SG

Don't feel bad about choosing yr mum over yr dad. It is natural for most kids to follow their mum after a divorce. Also most of the time the court will award custody to the mum.
U can still visit him/ keep in touch.
It is not easy growing up in single-parent family.
Don't let their divorce affect u.

foxwalk SG

if you want to make amends to your dad, can get in touch with him. after all, the divorce is not your fault's. you dad did not owe you anything, and did nothing wrong (to you). at least he's not the type that walks out on the family and kids. he has a heart too, and feelings. try to get in touch with him. i think it's the only way you can remove the guilt. its not your fault either cuz you were just a kid. you poor thing. *gives you pat on shoulder*

Ayukat SG

He like never say his parents divorce liao hor. Rolling Eyes

supercharger SG

Unfortuanately, 10 yrs or not... if an event is sufficiently traumatic and that person is at an age where he does not have the ability to comprehend and take control of the situation... it will leave a long lasting effect on the person. No amount of trying to forget will work bec it has already worked in to the subconscious.

Yes, sometimes, time can help dilute the memory and pain but the fact that you are not just thinking about it but are actually having a physical reaction to the tots means that it has affected you far more than you actually think and relaise.

At times like these, you may just want to talk this out with a counselor who will help you sort out what went on and dilute the memories and potential guilt.

I am not ashame nor do I personally see it anything wrong seeing a counsellor, I personally do not think it a sign of weakness. As a matter of fact, its those who are brave enough to seek help that are the strong ones. The weak ones are the ones that hide and think that they can sort it out themselves.

just like a tooth ache... the sooner your treat it the better it is. so might as well sorted out soon and you'll have tons of freedom for the rest of your life.

Jazzytunez SG

To the parents out there reading, children have feelings and they will remember if u have done something hurtful to them...

the.raven SG

then later did you still have contact with your dad?

zheshi SG

Are u Still living with your whole family Now? Cases like this are sad...

Fluffy.white.sheeP SG

bismark, it's been 10 years and maybe it's time u've learnt to let go. if u keep dwelling on it u'd only have endless nightmares. the incident may have affected u adversely but back then ur choice would hurt either of ur parents. it could very well had been ur mom giving u the sad expression. be strong and know that there and then u did not know the meaning of divorce and thus should not be blamed for the consequences. Bury your guilt for the ignorant decision and the best u could do now is try to make amends and stop dwelling on it. Nobody is going to say u've made the wrong choice because there is no right or wrong in making the decision. Stop thinking bout those "if only..."s becoz they would never happen.

take care and if u'd really need a talk, speak to a counsellor. it would do u good. hope u'd get over it soon!

bismarck SG

actually..
it happens just like a panic attack ( or so i think)
sometimes when it happens...i ( as mentioned abv)
sometimes when i think abt it, nothing happens to me

and yes my family still in 1 piece...though not very happy

fymk SG

A nasty marital relationship always never bears well on the children
It's not your fault that you were asked to choose. You didn't understand that time and you were probably frightened then.

Panic attacks can sometimes feel like a heart attack , you get breathless and your chest hurts , your stomach feels like a butterfly and you want to vomit. Something could have triggered off your emotions like having the sensation of being cornered or trapped in some way, or a sense of helplessness. Ultimately you have to tell yourself , it is not NEVER your fault that you have to chose...no one intended a child should chose who he should go with especially a young one who doesn't know.

Maybe you just need to talk to your dad about that incident frankly and honestly as you could. It will alleviate the guilt . don't leave it as unfinished business or else one day you might never get a chance to tell him how you felt at that moment. If all fails , see a counselor. However I strongly suggest you talk to your father first

fymk SG

I know the feeling of unfinished business , you never get a chance to say what you want to a person you love while he/she is still alive and it sticks.
I regretted not telling my granny I loved her while she was still alive. She suddenly passed away while I was on holiday with my parents. I was 10 years old then. She was a fierce woman , hardened by WW2 and I feared yet loved her lots. I was her favorite grandchild. When we came back , my uncle told us that he could not contact us for the funeral. None of us knew her time was up. She passed away peacefully in her sleep . That remained my greatest regret in life.

SunRisE SG

Dear bismarck,

You were young at that time.. You din know what divorce is all about.. moreover this is all between the adults.. Well.. they never think that this will affects their children too..Sometimes adults are selfish.. they only think for themselves.. but never the kids..

This happen 10 years ago.. its in the past.. right now your family is back together.. what's more important is now.. not the past.. Why panic? There's nothing to be afraid of.. all you need is to pull the family back as one.. Harmony is what you want.. You say hurt your dad.. but that's not totally your fault.. dun put the blame and burden yourself.. Kids are normally close to kids.. Of cos they wont choose their mum to their dad..

Cheer up... Nothing is cannot be solved unless you dun wan to! Wink

revvieeee SG

Must have been hard on you man, just make sure the same incident doesnt happen again when you marry and have kids...and you'll be just fine Smile

I've never had such a big problem in my family but there was one incident that left me feeling weird till today...

While I was in sec 1, I caught my dad with porn. Softcore ones, very very softcore, all those 50-minute talk 5 minute action. That guy hid it BEHIND my bookshelf. No wonder he took the VCD player to his room when my mum was working night shift.

I was packing my room one day when I noticed a stack of cds stacked vertically behind the bookshelf. Instinctively I went to open them up. "Animal Instinct", "The lonely bride"..etc.. I still REMEMBER their names, omg. Then I previewed them on the computer, all 8 of them, there was nothing at first, just kissing around.. later part there were VERY little pornographic scenes in it, involving only frontal nudity. I put the stack back into place.

I was awoke one night to the sound of him creeping into my room and shifting my bookshelf. He said he left a book in my room.

Then I muttered "next time dont hide CDs behind the bookshelf"

He was stunned. He said.. "it's my friend's CD, not mine. go back to sleep". He took the CDs out nevertheless...I think he threw them all away that night.

I didnt argue further. Next morning, I went on a hunt for the CDs again. They weren't behind the bookshelf, searched the whole house..just couldnt find them...Desperately wanting someone to know, I brought the matter up with my mum, who sided him and said they were "ordinary cds". Damn!

BUT I saw em myself!!! Mum, i EVEN WATCHED THEM!!!!!

She sided him all the way even though it was so fake!!!! I felt so wronged... Sad
For a week or so, I felt as if my parents didnt love me anymore..they were lying to me!!..they didnt believe me and I eyed them suspiciously for the whole week..but it wore off after a while (i got tired) and life went back to normal..

Till today I've never approached my dad regarding this issue but when I do think about it, it brings back a very very funny feeling....