Our resident agony Ah Beng gives his advice on dealing with
jealous friends.
Dear Ah Beng,
I got two friends.
One runs a Beijing Xiao Long Bao restaurant, and another sells
Taiwan porridge. Both of them sio pah over some bad venture
long-long ago.
Anyway, one day the Beijing Xiao Long Bao friend spotted me going
for some Taiwan porridge and was damn pissed off, accusing me of
not showing him face.
I value our friendship, but I dont see why it should stop me from
eating Taiwan porridge from my other friend. Their old grudge is
not my pasal, mah.
What should I do?
Barry
Dear Barry,
Aiyah, not say I say what, but Xiao Long Bao versus Taiwan
Porridge
talk about chia lat. Chinese restaurants all so teruk,
maybe better to switch to more Indonesian and Malay restaurants for
a while.
The main problem is that Beijing people all damn one kind
one.
Just go any kopi tiam around Joo Chiat and Geylang and observe the
wuya there trying to chiong the cheekopeks.
At first, they all very nice-nice, promise to give you lots of
business, but then slowly, their Chinese pattern sure come out and
before you know it, they want to build a Great Wall around
you.
Worse, we know from history that once they get close to you, they
end up taking over all your business. So people who deal with them
better be careful.
Some more, people who make Xiao Long Bao must be extra Xiao Qi
(literally, small air, i.e. petty).
Logic, lah, appealing to fairness, lah all these thing all
useless with Beijing people, one. Remember, they once killed
millions of sparrows for no good reason.
You must just por them, give them present, whisper how much you
still sayang them, make them feel valued.
Tell them how condemn Taiwan porridge is. Wah lau, rice also donno
how to cook properly so watery! Say you didnt realize it would
upset them so much and come, let me take you to some tok kong
restaurant to make up.
After a while, things should go back to normal.
Because Beijing people like others to wayang thats how come
Beijing opera can survive the Cultural Revolution, mah.
Maybe you can even say you went inside, thinking it was teochew
muay, but alamak! Turn out to be Taiwan porridge. Na beh!
After all, as a Singaporean, you make plenty of honest mistakes,
and this is just another one, mah.
Will lying like this affect your popularity amongst your wider
circle of friends? Maybe.
But to settle is damn easy. In this, you can learn from your
Taiwanese friend.
Just get someone to shoot you, but only give you a flesh wound.
After that, your popularity sure go up again.
If you need a shooter, you can come to us at the Chap Sar Tiam
Secret Society at Geylang Lorong 69.
Just ask for Bobo.
--AH BENG