i was not too willing to talk, but, thinking about it, if i can
help others, why not.
Back in 2000, I was 17. Was in SAJC the 1st 3 months, found the
environment to my liking there. After the 1st 3 months, was forced
by parents to leave SAJC for NJC. Found the NJC environment very
stale and too much emphasis placed on mugging and not to my liking.
I had problems adjusting too.
Back then, I was more shy, and was not used to reaching out to make
friends just like that. In addition, cliques formed during the 1st
3 months in NJC further intimidated me from getting to know more
people there. As a result, i ended up not having many friends and
raging against my parents for pulling me out from an environment i
was comfy in and into one which i disliked. And as I found it hard
to make friends, I increasingly hated the school more, and that
hindered my ability to make friends even more, and started
affecting my sch work. I started skipping classes, then school,
then it became a habit, so much so that I would arrive in sch at
8am for attendance, then leave sch at 8.30am, arrive at Orchard Rd
at 9, where i spent most of my day, hanging out, sometimes alone,
sometimes with outside friends. I started caring lesser and lesser
for my sch work.
As a result, the few days which I did spend in sch, only
increasingly frustrated me, and tests and exams really got me in a
bad mood. outside, i looked like i didn't care at all, but inside,
the image of seemingly being crappy in my studies was very much
causing me grief. Yet, by then, i simply could not study anymore,
because I was in a blind rage.
I started to get very very depressed, having already been depressed
due to the issue of being unable to accept then environment, and
being unable to make any friends. I kept wondering why things were
the way they were, why didn't my parents listen when i insisted
that NJC was unsuitable for me, and what did I do to deserve such
unglorious treatment. I wondered why I was even alive at all, and
started to wonder about suicide. On a few occasions, I nearly threw
myself off buildings, and I had always thought about committing
suicide in sch, to show how very upset and how much i hated the
school. I thought maybe if I had died in the school, that they
would finally realise something was wrong, and they would be guilty
and regret having not paid more attention to my situation, esp my
classmates.
My Civics Tutor DID notice that I was in depression, and sent me to
the sch counseller. But such councellers are easy to fake, as long
as u can maintain a positive face in the room, and say nice things
for them to hear, to get it over and done with. The main reason I
agreed to go, was to let my parents and classmates understand how
seriously depressed I was, to need counselling. I even ended up
with the priviliege of being able to walk into the principal's
office w/o appointment, impromtu, just to look her up for chats.
And I did get kicks picking on teachers, and breaking many rules,
with no fear of punishment as the sch was afraid that it would
worsen my hatred of the sch. As a result, I was able to break many
minor rules and get away with it, such as leaving my shirt tucked
out, leaving my hair long, wearing chains on my neck, skipping
classes, not handing up homework, etc. In spite of my many
transgressions, I was never sent for any detention.
After sometime, while I STILL hated my sch and my surroundings, I
realised I didn't want to die. By that time, I had chanced upon a
path of life I wanted to take, and I realised I had so much to do,
so much unaccomplished, that, however much I hated the sch, dying
meant I wouldn't be able to chase my dreams. I wanted to stay
alive, to show that I could do what I wanted to do, to show that I
wasn't going to make it easy for them to beat me down(at the point
i did think everyone wanted me dead, and staying alive was very
much a show of defiance), and that everyone who thought me a loser
would one day be proved wrong. Today, I am glad I didn't die.
