taken for granted?

troubled_ranger SG

why is it like this? why is it that my gf always take me for granted? like for example, i always send her home at the end of the day despite the long tiring journey and time taken. at the end of the day i have very little sleep. but she says that i am stupid to do all that and she will never be stupid to do that for me. also she is ever ready to break up with me.. everytime she brings up wat my mum did to her(my mum condemned her family.. but my mum is like this type one.. i did warn her before.. coz my mum big mouth and always make things diff for me)coz of wat my mum do to her.. she always like to discuss our future with me and then we will argue n then she will initiate break up.. i feel so tired.. really very tired man.. i duwan break up.. but i feel so sad that despite all my efforts.. she is always so ever willing to break up. when we are toking over the phone n i sense that we goin to get into arguement, ask her to put down.. she duwan saying that she not angry. but when she angry die liao.. she will want put down the fone n even if she hangs onto the fone.. she just listen like dun care like tt. i feel so pissed man.. coz i always pay her my full attention when she's talking.. i really so sianz now.. i duwan break up.. but she always MUST include wat my mum did etc n tok abt breaking up. i told her to ignore my mum liao but she cant which i understand. she also states firmly that next time we should live alone in our house without my mum. i say can.. but when my mum alone n no one to look after i like her to move in. she very angry saying liek this better i find another gal who can let my mum move in.. why cant she understand that it's my mum who look after me all these years.. and now she's old n unable to support herself n lonely tts y i repaying her??? y she cant understand but always initiate break up? she thinks she is educated so she can not put up with all this nonsense. to which i told her that if all educated ppl think like this.. then its very wrong. told her to ignore my mum but she always thinks negative thinks like my mum will influence everything that we do.. y cant she understand that my mum is my mum.. my life is my life?? i very tired n stressed.. but i duwasn break up. can pls anyone tell me what to do.. or rather how to let her see my plighT?

Sad Sad Sad Sad

Ole SG

lol, if now she not happy with your mom, how u think the relationship will last, especially when reach the marriage stage.

If u plan to marry definitely must consider these kind of things one lor, u will be between 2 women who does not like each other, it will be like what it is now.

gaoyue SG

get her to read this post, den if not, wad can u do, anyhow say break up, playing jia jia jiu is it.

ahkico SG

Dear troubled_Ranger,

I think i can sort of understand ur plight coz last time me n my bf is so caught in something similar though not as serious as urs...My mum so dun lik him... N our relationship was a secret... His parents know but not my. N my parents do not really lik him, n so we often quarrelled bout tis so... I am the one caught in between he n my parents. So i understand how it feels.

It is indeed terrible to be caught inbetween... Though it is difficult to see from ur gf pt of view... Try it... U may see things in a different light. In the beginin... all one could think of is why my partner don understand me... But do u understand wat she is goin thru at all?

In a gal's view pt, i dunno... But i think most prob she has strong feelings for u as in... She talked bout marriage. Tis goes to show she is serious bout u. If she really want break up wif u, would she mention it so many times yet no action is taken yet?

I feel tat wat she is feelin is hurt. Esp coz of ur mum reaction to her. She feels unaccepted? I mean, being in a relationship, when u see ur son gf, coz u did be v happy, nice n welcomin to her ma... She mays think tat ur mum feels tat she is not gd enough for u her son... Tat's why she treats her lik tat...

Ya, i belive tat she knows tat u treat her v gd... But she is so v unhappy.... U mention tat u give her all ur attention... But she doesn't... Mayb coz she is actin lik tat to hurt u? When i am angry wif my bf, i would do things lik don want to bother bout wat he is sayin, but deep down, of coz i do hear every word he is sayin...

Try puttin urself in ur gf shoes... Wat if her parents dun accept u... Critsize u openly... I should say tis is really quite hard to bear... There is surely a great strain...

I suggest tat u should have a gd talk wif ur gf... say on the phone... or mayb u could find a place wif nice envt to have a heart to heart talk, whichever u deem fit... Explain to her more bout ur mum behaviour towards her... Mak her feel assured... Isn't her fault or tat is coz she is no gd... (A sweet little gift eg, a bear wif words lik, u don know how much u mean to me... eg... surely will help matters!)

Some not so applicable ways but u may want try...
Talkin to ur mum about tis, though i doubt is possible...

Or how bout explain to ur gf... Bare ur heart out to her... Tell her how hard it is for u to struggle as a middlman btw both of them... Tat she is very impt to u, u cannot lose her, yet u have no choice, coz she is after all ur mother...

Other is mayb to suggest ur gf give somethin to ur mum? to mak her happy... say her birthday or x'mas... somethin ur mum would lik... so it may kind of break the ice, n hopefully, ur mum impression will change...

Also discuss wif ur gf bout life after marriage... try to come up wif n agreement... both parties need to compromise... but think do tis only if she ask lor... Tis isn't exactly one of the nicest topic esp when u r makin up! But don waste all ur efforts hor!

I wish u all the best n both of u chang chang jiu jiu! Very Happy

Yunhaier SG

Totally Ineffective in your method of handling this problem. This is kinda tricky, because it involves your mother and your love. Don't get confuse about having-to-chose-one-and-watch-the-other-die; you are too rigid in your thinking and causes the tear in your relationship. You can have the best of both worlds, but not EXACTLY the way you want it, rather, in my view, of stabilising both parties in such a way that no negative comments in thrown out, first.

You kept triggering the land mine about topics with your mother and your side on her against your gf. Apparantly, it will seemed so to her - a bf who fail to cut away from her mum apron's string and the fate of the relationship lies strongly on your mother's influence.

You kept emphasising your life and your mum is two separate entity, but this message wasn't convey in such a way to her. In fact, your subtle body language, tone and position is likely to speak otherwise, thus creating more conflicts.

Maybe you would like to state why your mum dislike her? From the beginning or is it something that she did?

Cheers

Boy Next Door => [] SG

I can't read a passage with so many words in it. If I can't read... I can't give advice. DUH?

SunRisE SG

Jus too add on to yunnie's one..

cos am no time to type this.. and what he says is also right...

anyway.. your mum has only you in the family now.. there's no one left by her side... i think basically.. she's too afraid to lose you! And this has made it a point that noone will snatch her son away from her... become too protective over her own son.. I wouldn't say it possessiveness... cos your mummy loves you too much!

Maybe she's afraid that one day or someday you leave her, married and move out.. Older generation ppl will have this thinking.. that when you are grown up.. wanna start a family.. mostly wont wanna stay with your parents.. once she has this thoughts. the more she doesn;t wanna let you go.. and dun wan anyone to be close to you.. except her (your mum) Rolling Eyes

Maybe this might be one of the reasons that she's treating your gf bad.. OR certainly.. it might be something that your gf displease her incertian ways.. where your mum thinks that she bad?

Well.. find out more about your mum.. talk to her.. and ask her why she's reacting this way? Is there something that she dun like about your gf?? or is it something that she's afraid that she wi;l lose you in the end.. Reassure her that such things won't happen.. know that you are filial to your mum.. Rolling Eyes

as for your gf.. found out more and discuss on the issue.. of what can done about this.. using break-ups to run away is not the way to solve any of this problems..

If the reasons i give it true... then even if you break-up with the present one.. and much later.. you had another gf.. the same thing will happen again..

to prevent "YE CHANG MENG DUO" actions!! actions!! you need to come out with a solution together with your gf.. on the other hand.. try to talk to your mum round.. Wink

Cheers... Wink

audlenelee SG

wow.. a bit similar to wat my galfren is facing now…

gerrykoh SG

I guess u have to find out the reasons why they both don't get along. Could be something your gf did? If it is not serious, then try & reconcile them. If unable to, then u have a problem as u will be stuck in between.
As for being taken granted, let her go back sometimes alone if she is not appreciative. She will then realise how good u are to her. Must not give in to her all the time.

Devil1976 SG

Sorry to say this... But have you ever considered the fact that maybe both of you might really be incompatible?

How long have you been together? How did you 1st started off with each other?

I can PREDICT ALOT of PROBLEMS coming in your way from all angles...

The reason why you're so hexed now is because you're DEEPLY WITHIN sh|t...

Unless all 3 parties can calmly sit down and talk, work a way through... Chances of surviving through this is rather SLIM....

troubled_ranger SG

Originally posted by SunRisE:

Jus too add on to yunnie's one..

cos am no time to type this.. and what he says is also right...

anyway.. your mum has only you in the family now.. there's no one left by her side... i think basically.. she's too afraid to lose you! And this has made it a point that noone will snatch her son away from her... become [b]too protective over her own son.. I wouldn't say it possessiveness... cos your mummy loves you too much!

Maybe she's afraid that one day or someday you leave her, married and move out.. Older generation ppl will have this thinking.. that when you are grown up.. wanna start a family.. mostly wont wanna stay with your parents.. once she has this thoughts. the more she doesn;t wanna let you go.. and dun wan anyone to be close to you.. except her (your mum) Rolling Eyes

Maybe this might be one of the reasons that she's treating your gf bad.. OR certainly.. it might be something that your gf displease her incertian ways.. where your mum thinks that she bad?

Well.. find out more about your mum.. talk to her.. and ask her why she's reacting this way? Is there something that she dun like about your gf?? or is it something that she's afraid that she wi;l lose you in the end.. Reassure her that such things won't happen.. know that you are filial to your mum.. Rolling Eyes

as for your gf.. found out more and discuss on the issue.. of what can done about this.. using break-ups to run away is not the way to solve any of this problems..

If the reasons i give it true... then even if you break-up with the present one.. and much later.. you had another gf.. the same thing will happen again..

to prevent "YE CHANG MENG DUO" actions!! actions!! you need to come out with a solution together with your gf.. on the other hand.. try to talk to your mum round.. Wink

Cheers... Wink [/b]

well.. i have been reassuring my mum all the way.. but dunno why she always have moods u know.. like say today she speaks highly of my gf.. then the next day.. she tells me she hates my gf n condemns her family etc... i know my gf very gd coz she been tolerating my mum since the beginning of this relationship which is like 2 yrs ago?

yup instead of solving the problem, running away by breaking up is not the answer but sadly my gf does not thing like tt... she always tells me that since this is my 1st relationship, things will not work out etc and that i should go n gain more experiance.. sianz man.. i feel like an idiot caught in between sometimes.. sometimes i feel i got only myself to blame..

troubled_ranger SG

halo there.. we been together for more than 2 years. we were frenz with each other for a long time before we got together. yes i have considered that we might be quite incompatible but then again, i am trying my best to change for the sake of being together! yup, i know i in deep shit coz most of the happenings is due to my own fault.

SunRisE SG

EVeryone has to start somewhere.. And learn from somewhere..

Tolerating is one thing.. The problem is how to stop this toleration and make peace to both.. Like what i've said.. Take for example.. this relationship ended.. cos both cannot compromise to each other.. If you enter to another relationship.. Same issue will appear again.. Once again.. there's no one to blamE at!

This is a good time for you to source the root of the problem out.. Right now.. you dunno what's goin on.. you're like the meat in the sandwich.. Being stucked in the middle.. You need to break thru and put it to a stop..

Tell your gf.. that things will work out.. if both work together hand in hand on it.. and not jus you alone.. Relationship involve 2 person.. not 1..

Ok.. you said your mum always have mood swings.. hmm.. my guess is.. maybe is the woman thing.. you know "GENG NIAN QI" Maybe she's having that.. SOme.. i'm not saying all.. will experience mood swings.. IT really affects them.. SOmetimes they can very bad tempered.. Sometimes they can be very nice.. The system in their body is changing... Becos.. sometimes.. menstrations come sometimes can dun come for many months and come again.. this is when the body is regulating.. Or sometimes they may feel very uncomfortable.. like giddiness or extremely tired this n that... Rolling Eyes

This will sometimes take very a long time for the "GENG NIAN QI" to stop depends on individual.. until the things fully stop.. no more menstration.. then they will be back to normal.. as in not so much of the mood swings..

Maybe ask your mum to go for a body check up.. if she ask.. jus say.. is jus a routine.. chekc up once a while also good.. at least sees if body functions well anot.. then found out from the doctor issit your mum having that anot... if this is not the reason.. then is your duty to have both of them together with you.. COME and HAVE A TALK about the cause of this problem that's bothering everyone! Rolling Eyes

Meanwhile if that's the case.. then let your gf know about it.. let her understand and get a clearer picture out of it.. It helps.. Wink

Cheers... Wink

Devil1976 SG

Care to elaborate on that?

Your horoscope, your girl's horoscope.

Age for both of you...

Hmm... 2 years? Rolling Eyes

kaobeikaobu SG

troubled_ranger, I knw u r feeling very sad and tired nw but u ve got to realise your gf is too...
In order to handle this, u must be emotionally strong, calm and firm as much as possible during tis period of time cuz ur gf needs you as a pivotal pillar in this crisis.
talk to ur gf abt these
- stating every single problems and fears tt both of you are facing nw and mabe in future. (Both ve to be very honest)...

- with all these problems and fear, comes d next few qns
" r both of u willing to stay together and work it out?",
" Will you regret if you let go?"
"Will she regret if she let go?"
"What sacrifices are both of u willing to make?"
What matters most is the feeling u ve for each other - nt being measured by how long ve both of u been together, or whether it's your first relationship.

- if one is nt willing, the another must be prepared to let go, in this case, loving him/her means letting go... Neutral

- if both of you are willing to work it out, both of you must be prepared for the worst, be there for one another, and face it without regrets. This is the time when most ppl (in fact in the entire world) seldom dare to put themselves in; either freaking out, or failed before seeing d slim light at d end of tunnel. if one is weaker, another has to be stronger. Not to say, d ending, if both of you manage to pull it thru.Talk to ur mum abt hw u feel toward her and ur gf, convince her tt her beloved son had met the girl tt he will b spending d rest of his life without any regrets. A girl tt is so special tt no one can replace.....

Devil1976 SG

Hmm... "What may be may.... Turns out to be, what it should not be...." Cool