Your approach will be of extreme
cautious.
Any wrong move will lead to further replusion from him.
There is definitely something about himself that's not
fulfilled.
He may want to try other means of going about it.
We are not very sure what is going.
But i hope the below article will help you open him up.
Remember don't interrogate but the 'Whys, Hows and Yous...'
It'll not help but possibly create more distance.
Prepare to listen, not judge.
Best wishes.
Real Men Fear Rejection -- Really!
It's true. Most men feel that women are very critical of them, and
they worry that if they do open up, someone's going to laugh at
them, leaving them rejected and humiliated. It's important for
women to realize that a man's ego and sense of identity are
generally more fragile than hers and more easily threatened. That
is especially so when he's in an intimate relationship: He craves
acknowledgment, feedback and knowing that he's pleased you.
So if a man feels that you are going to
judge him, or look at him differently as a result of what he says,
you can be sure that he won't talk.
Not judging your partner means allowing him to say what is on his
mind, and simply being willing to hear it. This does not mean that
you don't have an opinion or that you can't offer it at some point.
In order for him open up to you, he has to feel truly accepted for
who he is, not for who you may want him to be. Be patient with him.
If you respond to his thoughts by
immediately offering your point of view with something like "Well,
that's wrong. I don't agree" or, "Where did you get a crazy idea
like that?" any man is going to clam right up. They're
afraid if they say something too personal, it may not fit into the
image you have of them, or the image they force themselves to
project.
Reveal Yourself As Well
There must be mutual disclosure between partners. Everybody has
problems, fears and skeletons in the closet. Many guys think, "If I
share this, she'll leave me." You have to show that this is not the
case by revealing something about yourself that shows you have as
much trust in him as he has in you.
When he starts to open up, listen to what
he is saying, then take a step beyond and offer something positive
in return. After he tells you something personal, say
something like, "Well, that's not so bad. I've done worse." Or, "I
really admire this about what happened" and pick something in the
story you really do admire. (Don't make this up, though. It will
fall flat and turn into manipulation. People always know when they
are being manipulated on some level and it never works out.) Let
him know you're on his team, that he is not alone with his
experience.
Make sure as you give him feedback, that you take his side. Many
women listen to the stories that men tell only to respond by
telling him how he's been looking at it wrong. They take the side
of someone else. In a story about work, for example, it's the
coworker he's been having a hard time with. It is important,
however, that you look at the situation from his point of view.
This is not a time to teach or train him, it's a time to "make
friends." When two people are making friends, they share their
common experiences mutually and, because of that, experience
closeness and comfort. Here, you're creating rapport, the feeling
that the two of you occupy the same planet and live in a similar
world.
It's amazing how many men feel tremendously alone. Not only have
they been trained for silence, taught that it is unmanly to express
what they are going through, they usually don't get feedback from
the guys in their world. Your honest and positive feedback is
vital. If you bond in this way, your partner will feel there is
someone there who understands them and open up even more.
Let Go of the Past
Have you ever had a "discussion" with your partner that ended up
turning into a litany of past grievances, the things he did wrong,
the ways he hurt you, and what he owes you now? It happens at some
point in nearly every relationship, but the fact remains; men
cringe when they feel this coming.
When a man fears that his words will later be distorted,
misunderstood, told to others or thrown back at him, it is
impossible for him to open up. And the only way to move beyond this
communication trap is to realize that whatever happened in the
past, whatever he did or said, you were involved as well. All
relationships are dances. No one is entirely good and no one
entirely bad. In fact, rather than seeing anyone as good or bad, it
is more useful to notice the roles being played in the relationship
and the ways in which all of us become stuck in patterns that we
don't know how to get out of.
For example, some women love playing the victim or martyr. They
need the blame of the relationship in order to validate their own
feelings and feel powerful over their partner. In fact, they may
hold a man to them in this way for a while. But it's a sure sign
that the communication has completely closed down and the
relationship is on the rocks.
If you want to avoid or change this sorry state of affairs and help
him speak to you openly, try this. Take responsibility for your
part in the situation and see the ways in which you might have
contributed to what happened. This does not mean blaming yourself,
either. Just to look at the situation with a large eye. Focus on
all the things he did "right," not "wrong." If you need more
direction here, take out your journal and make lists of what you've
received from the relationship and what you've given in return.
Notice times when you were also less than perfect, and notice the
ways in which both of you have grown and changed.
The ability to forgive may be just as simple as realizing that what
was true a year ago about him (and about yourself as well) may not
be true now. Stay focused in the present. True communication
requires the ability to remain in the present and to let the past
be over when it's done.
Become a Solid -- and Secure -- Listener
Is it even possible to have honest relationships? The assumption is
that everybody's going to be honest. The truth is, few people are.
And the main reason that people are dishonest is that the
consequences are too big. Many men feel that women want and need to
be lied to because they can't take the honest truth. Some of my
clients have said that they fear telling their partner what is
really going on in their lives, or how they truly feel because it
will upset her. In fact, many women use their emotions to control
men -- and control the relationship. They demand certain responses
from men, and feel devastated if they don't get them. Then they're
surprised when he shuts down and doesn't talk.
Unfortunately, many women also have
strong images of how a man is "supposed" to feel, and think. That
kind of fantasy makes the truth devastating, so they let the man
know in many subtle ways that they do not want it. Sound
familiar? We're all guilty of this from time to time, but being
willing to listen to what he has to say is the beginning of a truly
mature relationship. It gives the man the feeling that he has a
solid partner who will be there with him through thick and
thin.
If you're ready to break out of this unrealistic rut, it's time to
ask yourself three things. How much of the truth you can tolerate?
How much do you really want? Do you want your man to be a fantasy
figure for you, or are you willing to allow him to become real?
These are huge questions. Perhaps you cannot take all of the truth
at once right now, but you can certainly build up your tolerance
muscles and move in that direction.
Oddly enough, we all think that fantasy makes us feel wonderful,
but in fact, the more reality we can take, the stronger we grow.
The ability to accept honesty from others increases as we realize
that true security comes not from the approval of others but from
being true to ourselves.
Be True to Yourself -- Be Aware
Awareness is crucial here. If you want to create a more open
dynamic between your partner and yourself, take a strong inventory
of the way you treat and regard yourself and the way you were
treated by the significant others of your past. If you were hurt,
this is your chance to make a decision to not live your life on
automatic-pilot-of-the-past anymore. Turn it around. Decide to be
kind and accepting, both of yourself and to the one you're
with.
Sometimes we give in to another in the expectation of receiving the
same in return. When that doesn't happen, silent fury starts to
build. That is behaving with an agenda, giving mixed messages and
not being true to another or yourself. In order to give of yourself
truly, you have to realize that you "get" as much out of giving as
out of receiving. When you give the other unconditional respect and
regard, you are giving that to yourself as well. You are behaving
in the best way possible, and the fine effects always reverberate
back. When you treat others in a way you respect, you are building
a sense of value and worth. If your partner doesn't reciprocate,
you won't have to feel like it's your failing or loss. Instead you
will easily move on to someone who is more like you.
The bottom line: Be true to yourself and
you will find that it is contagious. The men (and women) you are
with will start to behave the same way. They will communicate
openly and naturally, not with a fixed agenda, not to manipulate or
control. If they don't behave this way, they will naturally
move out of your life -- to a place that is more appropriate for
them.
