I am confused

last SG · 2004-04-13T15:13:42+00:00

By basic psychology, it can be pretty normal.... You were just a kid?

Ayukat SG

I don't know what I am anymore. My EQ is low and I don't really like interacting with people. I prefer to stay in my room and keep to myself. I see myself as a heartless and emotionless jerk. There was a time when I was at my Grandmother's funeral. I didn't feel regret and I didn't feel sad, infact I didn't feel anything at all. I was still busy playing with my electronic Digivice toy I bought from 7-11 till the moment when the coffin was placed into the freshly digged hole, I didn't care either. When I saw my relatives crying, I asked myself. Why were they crying? What is there so sad to be about? Sometimes, I imagined what would I do if my mother, father or sister passed away. I didn't feel a thing and I didn't feel a thing either when people insulted me and my family but I do feel the rage not because they insulted me but because I wanted to get back at them.

There was a time in school, when my friend borrowed my newly bought Nokia 3650 to play with. He threatened to slam it on the floor and even threatened to use a screw driver to unscrew it. I didn't care, all I wanted to do was to get back my phone at all cost even if it means my phone is going to spoil. I hit him, I hit him real hard. I got back my phone but I am puzzled to this day why? Why didn't he hit me back or feel angry after that incident? I have a good friend, a really good friend indeed. When I was all alone doing a project work, he would even leave his group to join me because I was all alone. He would asked me out to play everynow and then, helped me with my homework and he would get back at people for me too. I don't know whether I treat him as a friend or am I just using him. I often treat people to drinks and I often lend things to people without terms and most oftenly, they wouldn't return me. I didn't mind, I really didn't mind at all. Then there was this time, I was at Orchard. A middle-age man came up to me to borrow $1 because he needed to go home, I gave it to him without question and 2 days ago there was this little boy that had lost his EZ-Link card to go home. A woman walked passed and just ignored him but I actually took out $2 before he even asked me.

I have a father, he is a nice person actually. He treats me pretty good and buys me whatever I wanted when I was young even when he does not have the money he would borrow from his friends to buy for me but everytime he goes out with his friends he would get drunk and start complaining, ranting and scolding my mother. I didn't know why but recently he got drunked and came to talked to me. I didn't know why, I shouted at him. I told him I was unlucky to have been born in this family. He was furious but after a while he broke down and said he had his own problems too and he cried. Its the first time I seen him cried. Am I in the wrong to shout at him? When I was young I remember he would beat me up with his belt and told me to knee down on the floor for no good reasons but still he treats me pretty good when he isn't drunk. I don't know anymore, everything is just so confusing. Am I truely a heartless and emotionless jerk? Neutral

^sylvia^ SG

yes.. i have childhood misery too and now becoming more n more helpful and mature than last time.. why can’t you?

FireIce SG

p a r a g r a p h

Mad

^sylvia^ SG

aiyah.. Sad

your just too young now.. you will have a change in your personalities sooner or later.. Rolling Eyes

and your not totally emotionless, if not, you wouldn't have post this topic Confused

common face up to life. you will change one day Wink

wuming78 SG

i agree.

u should be 17 now from your profile?

the fact that u haf reflected upon wat u haf done and wat u think u r and bothered to ask, means u still cared.

teenage is not a particularly easy period of our lives to go through. o cos different ppl have diff ways of coping with it, and there r diff outcomes.

but really - paragraph ur post first, so we can all look at the issues more clearly. Wink

Ayukat SG

I am 16 years old, december child. Sometimes, I can even think of absurb things like if my uncle didn't remarried, all his fortune would be mine as he was my next closest kin since he didn't have a child.

Ayukat SG

Repeat

epImetheus SG

paragraph-ed original. hope people can read more easily.

^sylvia^ SG

hahahah!! i thought of that before and that doesn't mean you emotionless ah.. lol.. Mr. Green

Devil1976 SG

We all have thoughts. Just that some of us think much more on our own than others. Not surprising as you're a solitary guy?

The most important thing is for you to control yourself. What you think don't neccesarily have to be what you do. If you feel it at wrong, develop a stronger will and control yourself. You're still young, work for your future.... Cool

<sk> SG

You have a very logical chain of thought… you seem reasonable at times and indifferent about things.

shifeng SG

i am a person with low EQ too... i am very decisive person in terms of everything.. but when it comes to emotional stuff, i am totally lost... judging from wat u said.. u are not heartless, u are not emotion, perhaps from certain circumstances when u are young which makes u takes things lightly... u need to experience more in life..

i am a childish guy in the past.. who cares nth... i am the sort of, "u die ur daiji, as long as i am ok can liao".. i am even more heartless... i thought of my past, i m v shameful...u want to know? tell u a story...

there was this time.. (think when i am primary 4) i had this buddy, living in the same HDB flat as me (me on 2nd storey, he on 5th storey) hes very gd to me... i no $$ buy food, he lend me without asking back... he allows me to go to his house to play, and treat me eat... and there was this once.. we went to a see-saw in AMK.. we played... and i saw his house key drop... i took the key and hide it... and later, i went to threw it in the dustbin... later my buddy was abt to go home, he found out tat he lost his key.. and of course i said i duno about it... he was very nervous and scared cos his grandma will cane him... but seeing him like this, i felt like abit happy... i duno why also.... i am a weird child...

do u consider that as even more heartless? at least u help those u duno at the roadside.. but me? why? now i think of it i wanna cry.. haiz a buddy whom treated me so gd, and i threw away his key? and do u know what changed me?

after i went into poly, and fell in love into this girl... changed my thinking totally... my thinking changed totally, she made me realise life is impt... life is meaningful, we shd help each another no matter what... the power of love have totally changed me.. 180 degree... right now no matter what, i helped all the people arnd me... i treat people with my heart now... hoping to atone the sin that i have done in the past (there are alot more worse things i have done).. i hope 1 day god will forgive me...

so, dun worry, 1 day ur heart will be opened too... my heart is opened by the power of love.. i am not sure what will open ur heart, but i believe u will... life is amazing and beautiful... be more positive...

- End of my story -
P.S hope its not boring.. Mr. Green

Ayukat SG

I remembered my Primary 6 teacher telling me, if I don't let it all out I will explode one day. When will that day come?

Ayukat SG

I did stole a mechanical pencil from one of my friends before. Rolling Eyes Not exactly stole, found it on the floor and I didn't return it to him because I wanted it. Laughing

shifeng SG

see? u are better than me by abit... hey, Ayukat, trust me... mayb u can open ur own heart? u need more emotional stuffs perhaps? haha.. well, u shd let it out... talk more to ur frens abt how u feel, and how they feel towards u... and change urself... have a meeting with ur ownself in the mind... wat went wrong, and wat u need to change urself so that people will see a better u.. Smile

^sylvia^ SG

i already see he's changing to a better him Wink

way to go! my support always! Razz
god bless ya Very Happy

shifeng SG

yup! yup! where there is life... there is hope... Mr. Green

<sk> SG

How do you treat people with your heart? Confused

^sylvia^ SG

Mr. Green

Ayukat SG

Still, I can't seem to understand why I treat my sister so differently from my friends. When my friends need something I'll do it without question if its not unreasonable and to my sister, I'll do it but not always and sometimes we do fight over things even when I am wrong. Confused