Advice? Mature Question ...

last SG · 2003-07-14T17:32:30+00:00

I agree with you totally Kaori.

cunfused2000 SG

First off, really appreciate if any one out there can spare their thoughts on my dilemma. Shocked

Been trying SOS but their numbers are never picked up/engaged. Neutral Amazing. If I'm really suicidial - I'dve died by now.

Anyway, it's fairly mature problem (and real) so, it's not something a childish response will solve.

OK. I'm screwed up. I've just reached the big 30. Job-wise releatively stable. Thinking of quitting but that's becus pressure's getting too great. I actually have nightmares. Putting in 12 hr days and burning weekends too. Been appraised well.

Now I have a steady girlfriend who's been with me thru some pretty mucky shit. She nice, kind, concerned for me, NOT emotionally screwed up, would make an excellent companion for life. Lest u think she's perfect. She's not. Then again, I'm not too. So what.

However, because of really long hours at work, and the odd times I keep and the relatively stable home life she has, we have drifted apart. No fire in the belly so to speak. We maintain an easy, comfortable intersection of our lives. No more crazy backseat romping or even the electrifying brush of hand against hand. Maybe this is what marriage is like. Very comfortable. Very easy. But very distant.

Thing is abt a month ago, when both of us were really apart, I got to know a stewardess. She's older...by a fair bit. But what caught me was the same sparkle in her eyes as my ex. She was almost the total opposite - steady instead of mischevious, sexy instead of sweet, callous instead of caring. But we clicked and we had fun.

Even with my odd timings and her odd timings, we managed to meet up quite frequently. There was that electricity again. The whole "seeing someone else" was fun again.

There's where the slippery road started. We were getting to know each other as friends but in the end ... *well* things happens.

Thing is neither party knows abt the other party. Yes, that does mean I'm a heartless bastard. Am I? Really? I really care for the stewardess and think abt her all the time. But I guess the counter-argument is that if that's so, why don't I just give it up for her?

Well, the answer to that lies in the ... age thing.

I'm f*** 30s. now. Not some moon-eyed, teeny-bopping youth with plenty to live for. I need to make choices on life-partners now! Or do I? Can I stand a single life throughout my life? Or is choosing someone too hard? Will I be able to stay committed? Look at the shit I put myself in! If I ever get married, I need to stay away from an industry where's there's like plenty of (goodlooking) women! Join the army maybe.

Ok, wailing aside, it's the age thing. My gf is more marriagable and the stewardess is divorced. It's the family thing: my gf is from a nuclear family and the stewardess is from single-parent.

I need advice - seriously. Things are coming to a head.

ashgoh SG

Which of the two do you think you wish to talk to more ?

And if both of them are thrown into the deep sea, who will you save first ?

If answer to both question is the same person, I think you have made your decision.

Divorced ? hmm I don;t think this should really matter. I know your parents might take this into concern. However, this is your life happiness... so shouldn't let it be affected by your parents thinking. Instead talk to your parents and show your sincerity, gain their trust that you have made the right choice.

Hippy79 SG

Maybe you should take into consideration who will take care of you and be with you through hardship,illness in future. Marriage is a life thing..while enjoying all the fun togethers, we must olso take consideration besides fun..there are bitter battle ahead olso...
Today you may enjoy life together with the stewdress happily because you both have just started..if things gonna move on 10 years later, is it going to turn into things that you are encounting with your ex? Shocked

Bobbyboyrule SG

you are not ready for marriage and you are not thinking straight. being with some one for life is not a test where you have to get as many correct answer as possible. if you are serious with your girlfriend you truely love her it will be an easy decision. becos you are now in such a fix you have proven to yourself that you are not ready and perhaps its time for you to evaluate your relationship with her whether you decide to go wif the stewardess or not thats beside the point. temptation will always be there forever. its you yourself and the feelings and respect and responsibilities you have towards your partner that will keep you on track. its time to be honest, at least to yourself.

Cerebral_Assassin SG

this is a very personal problem because whatever decision u make, it'll affect both u and either women's life.

your current gf will definitely feel very dejected and sad if u drop her, because she had been with u for quite some time and been understanding because of your working hours. if she is not, she'll probably ask for a break. the spark between u and your gf is gone because the 2 of u r not simply spending time together. that's y probably u r having such chemistry with the stewardess. at this point of time, any man will think of the stewardess more as memories are more short-term and u r having a busy schedule so cannot think of the past. do take note that u have only known the stewardess for a month. do not dive in too soon and get caught in no man's land.

did u set a target date for yourself to ROM? if yes, how many years u have left? is still got at least a couple of years, i dun see y u cannot choose the stewardess just because of your age. at this point of time, i'll make a decision after getting to know the stewardess interest in proceeding further with u and if there is any more years left to actually getting ROM.

Devil1976 SG

You UNDERSTAND that your current gf is much better a candidate as a long-term companion. The QUESTION now is... What you want? Short-term relationships or a long term one? You're now in an unstable trianglar relationship and you sense that you'll have to do something about it soon...

This 'interesting' part-time stewardess gf of yours... I don't know her much... But from the sound of it, she's quite 'unstable'...? One factor in her life which might have turned the table for her and makes her more appealing to you....? Strange thing... If you sense that you've not got enough time for your gf why is it that you've got time for her? It could be that both of your schedules work out fine... (she being a stewardess is a plus?)... But UNDERLYING factors...? I think it's your WILLINGNESS to CLICK... As you've mentioned, she GREATLY APPEALS to you... So much so that you've unknowingly but willingly created divert in more time for her...?

That brings us back to the question of TIME with your gf... Perhaps not really because it's not enough but monotonous...? How QUALITY is your TIME with her depends on HOW you wanna use it.... No doubt 'extra relationship' is usually more THRILLING than your normal one.... 'Spice' in a relationship can also be CREATED, depending on the EFFORT put in by BOTH parties...? Why not get the BEST of both worlds but WORKING on your relationship with your gf? Where do you expect this extra relationship to bring you? You might easily end up with NOTHING if this unstable triangle BREAK UP...? THINK through it.....

All in all it's WHAT YOU WANT... THINK through it CAREFULLY and make your decision SOON... Don't drag the matter as it won't be fair for everyone.... The current situation is not a wise one to stay in. Work out your things and let everyone get on with life... Not gonna teach you what else to do here... It's YOUR LIFE... You DECIDE...?

cunfused2000 SG

Thank you all. Very considered responses from everyone. I was expecting to be called names. Embarassed

Anyway, yeah, I know I'm not ready for marriage ... because I can't resolve this "temptation issue"... not quite temptation but i guess "choices". It's like, you close the road forever. I really admire those friends of mine who can take that step and say, fuck it all - I'm going to be with this girl forever. yeah, who knows if it'll all end in divorce but it's still a very very very brave step.

But right now, the problem - as brought up as an anomaly - is that my time is unsteady which brings me apart from my gf. She leads a normal sedatory life, and she has a good family life, which means she has the normal Sunday with family thing. I dun. I work really long and odd hours. She can't meet me past midnight.

Now - surprisingly - I can meet the stewardess as her roster is easier to plan. And she's willing to meet as and when. So I guess, it's not that hard to fanthom why I'm suddenly spending more "quality" time with her than my gf.

And becus it's a flight thing - she's not in SG most of the time. And when she's back, it's easier to "make time out" to meet her.

Does that makes sense so far?

Thing is ---- I am moving ahead with my gf on the surface, but inside my heart, I feel I'm shrinking away from her. It's like when u get married, you take the other person's presence for granted and move on to worry about money, housing, children.... emotionally, you are detached from your space. You know you have a responsibility to her, to the family but it's no longer ... love?

I don't believe in love anyway. Love is shallow. Duty and responsibility lasts longer. Question is, I'm finding out the hard way that, there is no single person that you can love...

Let me know your thoughts. Thanks! Good night.

Transmission SG

good night

Solitude SG

Well,seriously i think your not ready for marriage yet and i think your also being very selffish by sweeping everything under the carpet.

Yes,temptation is everywhere but i think you need to control yourself if not you will always be in this state even if your turning 60 next yr.

Remember,every Living thing in this world comes in a pair......not 3s

sillyme SG

hi confused2000, since you mentioned duty and responsibilty.. to me these two factors are components of love.. because love is about faithfulness too..

from here, you've got to ask this question. why and how did the stewardess friend's marriage ended up in divorce? if you should choose her as a life partner, is there anything that could prevent the same thing from happening? would the sparkle disappear just as your present relationship did? if it did, would you find another with the sparkle? true love stands the test of time, not another person coming in.

also, if indeed you want to choose a long term partner.. then it has to be a decision not on your own.. it's more than having sparkle or tingling feelings.. which of these two have the same perspective of life as you? sparkle can be created, excitement can be induced if both parties are willing to make effort.. my ex was a stewardess.. flying long-term wasn't her plan, she said that it's hard to settle down if flying continues.. is your stewardess friend considering that? or is she even considering settling down after a failed marriage?

lastly, happiness can only come when you find contentment in yourself.. i hope the questions i put out can lead you to the road to blessings.. you have my best wishes Smile

choco B SG

Marriage should be a progression from a stable & loving relationship. It is not an item on your TO DO list by age 30. You know you're not ready to get married, then you shouldn't even consider it, age be damned. What are you worried about - your sperm being less fertile with age or something? Wrinkles?

You have high ideals like "duty and responsibility". Very admirable but this is your head talking. The flesh is weak. You already proven you can't walk the talk by breaking your "duty and responsiblity" to your girlfriend by seeing another woman.

The fact is, the need for passion and excitement in life is regardless of age and gender. Whether you're 18 or 58, a fresh, pretty young thing will excite you. You've got to be able to find a balance between the mundane everyday and still find passion and fun in that. That's how you survive a marriage and temptations.

If your relationship isn't giving you this balance, then don't rush into marriage. Just focus on mutual gratification. It's not such a bad thing.

In your post I see rationalisation of your relationship, but no deep affection for your girlfriend. If you don't love her anymore, then put her out of her misery and break up with her. She may cry and rant but she will thank you for not wasting her time, ultimately.

Suitability of a girlfriend based on family background is less important than you think. Since you're the man and usually the main breadwinner in a relationship, you depend on her less financially than her on you. Unless you've got a famous family name like Shaw or Lee, or have got billions in a family business and marriage ties are important, I suggest you just give a girl a chance and not judge her by her previous relationships / the family she was born into.

Devil1976 SG

As much as you feel this is what you want. It's still unfair that you're hiding such a relationship behind your gf. And there can be much consequences to things too? Things could be much worse than this. My ADVICE is, HANDLE it before it gets way out of hand.... Penetrating DEEP into the heart of yours and your love ones.... You can choose to be as selfish as you want to for now, but one day you'll still have to FACE whatever you've done....

evanesence SG

/me now knows who to turn to when she needs proper answers... Mr. Green

.. sorry I cant contribute cus i aint matured enuff to understand the situation... For me, I would choose the one I love most, and not the one whom Im just having an infatuation with... hope i did make sense, else ignore this.. Confused

cunfused2000 SG

I'm self-centred, shallow arse. I shall try to change.

We all try to be nice people with good ideals but we suck at it. Like a kind person said earlier, the flesh is weak. Think abt it. After 5 years in the workforce, self-preservation sets in. At least, I can still safely say I have not backstabbed anymore or knowingly caused someone else's mistakes.

Anyway, latest development is that I'm cooling on the stewardess side. Mainly because I'm tied down with work.

cunfused2000 SG

After one long week, S flew in last night. She had jet lag and was concussed, couldn't give me any sort of timing. Fed up. But in the end, I went out with my gf for teppanyaki.

All through dinner, we talked about work. We knew the same people and the same issues - and suddenly it struck me that that's mainly what we do... complain abt bosses, companies, the soft markets. Yeah, we are on the same wavelength but it's kinda like bringing work home?

We fitted easily - like gloved hands. She knew what I wanted and gave it to me without any of the stitlted awakwardness of crap couples who are still trying to impress one another.

Sensing that the crowd is getting worse towards the tail end of 8pm, we left. In any case, she had fitted me in for a facial appointment early the next day.

I reached home abt 10pm when S called. She "casually" asked if we were still meeting. And what do you know, I went for it. *sigh*. Met up for late night coffee at a hotel bar in Orchard. View was nice and the lounge was dark. We talked mostly. Like furtive lovers, we stole kisses whenever we could. But mostly talked. Her previous relations didn't work out well. *duh* Mostly overseas men. Well, at least they were all Chinese. Chinese American, Chinese Australian, Chinese Canadian. Probed a bit further and guess what... *laugh* all Cantonese/Hong Kongers in one way or another.

She could fly to see them - I guess to her, it's a more dramatic love life. I dunno. She asked abt me and I told her that my relationships are uninteresting. I dunno, there seems to a gap now. At least between me and the previous guys. They were generally quite wealthy (and I'm not). In tough times like this, money is a senstive topic. Just like keeping a job. Smile

Oh well, rattled on. Any more opinions from this latest episode? Rolling Eyes

evanesence SG

I wonder how long are U gonna keep this relationship from your gf? Imagine if U were in HER SHOES.... if she loved U alot, she wld be deeply hurt, can U bear to hurt her ??

What's with guys?? Always wanting the best of both worlds.. if U cant mk up your mind then might as well be SINGLE!
That way, U can date all the women U want, kiss all the women U want.. n no strings attached, yah...

U wanna "try out the market", tt's fine but now U're attached..
If U think ur relationship with ur current gf is goin nowwhere, mabbe u 2 shd have a tok abt it.. instead of having an affair behind her back.. Anyway, ever tot abt how long can U keep this under wraps? WHat if oneday both parties found out abt each other, wld they both leave u? or what? U nv know...

If U still LOVE & TREASURE your gf, I really hope tt e 2 of U have a heart-2-heart tok abt ur relationship.. if things still dun wrk out, then might as well have a seperation... Then ya free to date whoever U want... without hurting any1...

U're obviously not ready 2 commit yet..so why tok abt marriage...
There isnt any need 2 worry abt marriage.. U're still young compared to women at ur age.. Unlike Men,we all have the bio clock ticking, after 40, it's dangerous 4 us 2 give birth and so on...
But guys.... there's plenty of time 4 u all... U all can get married at whatever age U want... not like girls who seem to have shorter "shelf life".....

I hope things work out between u & ur gf....

Yunhaier SG

Interesting. Would have replied if not for my damn computer having to screw up at the such moments. Well, at least, it's solved. Twisted Evil

Anyway, for your situations, your relationship enters into a passive routine relationship - a risk factor for liking someone else. Very comfortable? Very easy? Probably because there isn't any flames or quakes to shake the foundation of your relationship - people are taking things far too easy. Rolling Eyes

Relationship ain't maintain there day by day as it goes - it require a minimal amount of effort to make it work. If not things often go wrong.

One thing I would like to mention is that - if you can't find yourself committing to a partner - Forget about the thoughts of marriage first. Your biological clock may be getting old, however, on such grounds, you ain't in a state to marry your present gf. (Presume that its was in plan) Rolling Eyes

No such thing as love, only responsibility? All I can say is that the kind of partner you are with will affect this preception. Because I presume that there isn't much issue about her or you that shook the relationship (or probably there is, but it has passed), AND the both of you have been together for quite some time. Being together doesn't equate to love - its what both parties wants to do about their relationship as a whole. Rolling Eyes

You now prefer the company of S - she gave you what you couldn't get from your present gf or in the past.

'...steady instead of mischevious, sexy instead of sweet, callous instead of caring. But we clicked and we had fun...'

'Can meet the stewardess as her roster is easier to plan. And she's willing to meet as and when....'

'All through dinner, we (gf) talked about work....'

From this - you fell.

On the account of a Plain Water Relationship (CloUdiSm definition: Responsbility is the glue that holds the relationship and has slipped into rountine mode.) Continuing a relationship for the SAKE of continuing - love has diminished in such small measure, its difficult to see where exactly your relationship is going forth. (The growth for you is probably on the decline or stagnant). Evil or Very Mad

Advice? Rolling Eyes

Settle each issue one by the time - if you are having unfuilfilling relationship from your present gf. I think it good to talk things out and trash whatever you wished to speak. If there is simply nothing to hold you back apart from responsibility - there is little reason to be together. Indecisiveness will only drag time and worsen situations. Face your feelings and acknowledge them - rather than to put it behind the back of your head and continue life as if nothing has take place. Rolling Eyes

On a astrological point of view, this relationship is likely to be karmic. One issue to think about is whether you think pursuing this new relationship is beneficial?

Quote of the day: Someone you like and fancy doesn't mean he/she is compatiable with you on love level.

Psychologically, currently, she is providing with the kind of void you have been facing in your past and present relationship. Since she was divorce, there must be something about her (and of course her ex-husband) that couldn't make that marriage work. Source it out before you attempt anything drastic - don't be blinded by the fantasy and dream created from the false imagery of your heart. Karmic relationship always holds very strong attraction in the beginning but intense relationship later on. Rolling Eyes

In the end, it all boils down to what you want and what you would do. Like you have mentioned, you ain't very young, therefore be decisive and not keep mum about such critical issue with your present gf. Whatever it is, the decision and choice you make, there isn't any right or wrong, just that...

...Don't ever regret making that move. Rolling Eyes

Cheers

cunfused2000 SG

Hi, thanks for your comments. It's 3.20am so I'll just type a quick reply.

Categorically, I am not trying out markets. Been there done that. I'm done with it... the so-called sowing wild oats phase. By now, I know what sort of partner works for me.

The dilemma here-in essentially is: will marriage work, seeing that in a really good situation (current gf), it's plaid enough. In a bad situation (stewardess), there's still good qualities to go around. What works?! Trying to stay committed is very hard - like I mentioned before, I salute all those who took the big M-step after due considerations, and still went for it.

Razz

firefly SG

hmm.. i wonder, if you would to leave ya gf for the latter..someone of a different charm come by, got ya attention again... wat will happen? History repeat itself again?

Have some quiet time on ya own. Think thru wat r ya priority and wat u wan in life.

In life, we can be attracted to many people but there is juz one special person whom we can settle down with.

Life is all about choices..

piopoz SG

what we have here, basically, is a two-timer - after we've filtered out all the crap about work, age blah blah blah...
If he really knows what he wants in a partner, such a situation would not have occurred... unless what he wants is to always have a beautiful woman by his side.
Is this a "Mature Question"? Maturity is not determined by age.
I don't think that there's a quick-fix solution to any relationship/character problem, but you'll definitely need commitment, which is, sadly lacking here.
To cunfused2000: spare your gf the agony and leave her, cos you definitely don't deserve her.