Exacted from an e-mail. Decided to share this articule after
reading so many common problems that are posted in AA. I do wonder
if ppls do think why and how does the relationship problem they
facing started off rather than sulking themselves with their own
misery.
The fundamentals
of love.
Think back to the day when you first laid eyes on her. You found
yourself charmed by the way she talks, the way she dresses herself
to show off her best features and the way she embraces life with
her laughter. It seemed as if a mysterious "chemistry effect" has
suddenly developed to draw you closer to her.
You two then began to meet regularly, and you discover more things
that you admire about her. Her clever ideas, her healthy values and
the way she stands up for you when others doubt you. You find
yourself thinking of her not just as a normal friend, but a very
good friend. It is often during this period that a boy and a gal
will start thinking of bringing their friendship to another level.
After all, the kind of wonderful experience you have between each
other can only become even better if it develops into a romantic
relationship. In other words, the feeling is really unique - no one
else seems able to replace her in your heart.
So both of you agree to go steady and work even harder on the
relationship. You "graduate" to become a couple, and are the envy
of the sea of singles.
When You Forget
The Fundamentals
However, at some point in your relationship, you forgot how it all
began. You start to take your partner for granted. Why can't she
laugh in a more ladylike manner? Why doesn't she dress herself more
trendily? Why must she assert her views and point out your silly
mistakes? Is she really the one for you?
To be fair to yourself and to her, take some time to reflect on
your "love memory". The "love memory' contains all the reasons that
you fell in love with her right from Day One. It contains rarely
accessed snippets of how your life has changed since meeting and
loving her.
Pre-steady days, did you heap compliments on her for the brave way
she spoke her mind on bullies and snobs? You probably did. Did you
like her unusual fashion sense that makes her stand out from the
crowd? Right-o. So why are you criticising or finding fault with
her now that she is your girlfriend?
Because you have forgotten the fundamentals of love, like so many
of us. You have forgotten the reasons you admired her during the
friendship phase. Instead, once you went steady, you put your "love
memory" in cold storage. As her boyfriend, you take up a new set of
demands and expectations about her. These new ideas are not
necessarily better; they could put your relationship at risk.
The Secret Of
Strong Relationships
A healthy relationship, like learning to walk properly, follows a
step-by-step development. You can't possibly become part of a
couple if you aren't friends in the first place. Ok, I know some of
us break the rule and plunge straight into whirlwind courtship, but
how many of those couples can go the distance? Couplehood works
well when there is something you like about her (and vice versa),
and I'm not referring to merely the physical aspects.
So whenever your relationship hits a rocky path, don't give up
without checking on your "love memory". Rediscover the reasons why
you fell in love with her, and watch your relationship flourish
with a newfound vigour.
