Confused ... hurt

last SG · 2003-05-28T17:30:36+00:00

i think there's a high possibility dat he is straying... n he doesnt wan ur calls to jeopardize his chances... er... speaking fm personal experience... i fee...

piopoz SG

er... i was the 'bad guy (or rather.. gal)' at dat time...
i started on a new job n started gg out wif the new colleagues... n one of them interested in me... i started neglecting my bf coz i was hving so much fun then... n resents him calling me when i'm wif them, tinking dat he is "checking up" on me... i guess this stems fm a guilty conscience..
anyway, thgs got really bad, n i started to distance fm him hoping dat he'll lose watever feelings he had for me n to break up eventually...
thgs finally took a turn when i saw hw serious he is abt our r/s n dat we had been together for 5 yrs, n i straightened my thoughts....

hope ur guy can set his priorities rite too... but guys n gals tink differently.. so ....

Bubbles` SG

hmmm ... icic ... i do hope he set his priorities but i tink it takes time ...

the Bear SG

Men are slower in such things... we're genetically hunters and gatherers...

Sometimes, his priorities and yours differ...

Sometimes, even when they are the same, other things may tear a loving couple apart... no matter how they try to work things out...

oh dear.. too much gloom and doom.. my bad.. been melancholy because of a heartbreak myself....

But do communicate... honestly

Bubbles` SG

hmmm .. thanks fer ya advice ...

Devil1976 SG

Let's continue... Shall we? From the things we've got till now... Your problem's a little 'toughie'... In the sense that it's 2 lines quite ambigiously close to each other now.... Might explain to you later...?

Now... More questions... Do you spend more time with him alone or such a group with his friends...? Where do you go when you're out with his friends...? Ever notice...? -> How he behave when he's alone with you and when he's with his friends & you (company..)? Does he feel more awkard with you're around while he's with his friends...?

Is this his 1st job? If not, what was his previous job? How long has he been in this job? Did he started off as a supervisor in this job or was he promoted halfway through...?

For now... Based on SURFACE ANALYSIS, it seems a rather high chance that he could be straying... And you shouldn't be too surprised even if he does...

It's nice of you to be so understanding of him & his career... But giving him too much freedom might becomes a fault on your part in the future...? It's good to restain a little control in a relationship at times... If he's not even willing to sarcrifice a little more time for you now, I don't quite see what his future would have got to do with you in time to come...?

You're probably right about giving him his rights to fight for his work, but wanting this man more and restricting him a bit would probably make you more desirable to him... He could be those type of guys who easily take things for granted at times...

Not sure, but perhaps your age group is not there yet... As the days pass in the future, you'll probably find yourself inevitably demanding more from him... If you don't, you might be in for something even more drastic at some point of your life if this relationship of yours still exist in the future....

lavender_scent SG

I see nothing wrong with your relationship that you are describing. In fact, if he can apologise to you that he can't hear the hp ringing, it clearly shows his sincerity and concern for you and he know your presence in his heart.
If you feel uncomfortable with this kind of treatment, maybe you should direct your question to your bf. Asking us why he treat you this way or why he can't accompany you, is a big puzzle to us too.

It's only after you ask him and get an answer, then your confusion cloud would be cleared and your hurt will be gone.

Bubbles` SG

Originally posted by Devil1976:

Let's continue... Shall we? From the things we've got till now... Your problem's a little 'toughie'... In the sense that it's 2 lines quite ambigiously close to each other now.... Might explain to you later...?

Now... More questions... Do you spend more time with him alone or such a group with his friends...? Where do you go when you're out with his friends...? Ever notice...? -> How he behave when he's alone with you and when he's with his friends & you (company..)? Does he feel more awkard with you're around while he's with his friends...?

Is this his 1st job? If not, what was his previous job? How long has he been in this job? Did he started off as a supervisor in this job or was he promoted halfway through...?

For now... Based on [b]SURFACE ANALYSIS, it seems a rather high chance that he could be straying... And you shouldn't be too surprised even if he does...

It's nice of you to be so understanding of him & his career... But giving him too much freedom might becomes a fault on your part in the future...? It's good to restain a little control in a relationship at times... If he's not even willing to sarcrifice a little more time for you now, I don't quite see what his future would have got to do with you in time to come...?

You're probably right about giving him his rights to fight for his work, but wanting this man more and restricting him a bit would probably make you more desirable to him... He could be those type of guys who easily take things for granted at times...

Not sure, but perhaps your age group is not there yet... As the days pass in the future, you'll probably find yourself inevitably demanding more from him... If you don't, you might be in for something even more drastic at some point of your life if this relationship of yours still exist in the future....
[/b]

Usually more time wif him & his frenz .. where we usually go, hmm .. clubbing, movies, shopping & etc ... i neba notice anytin yet .. cos since when patch we onli met up twice!! & went fer movie once! dats why .. i cant judge from last time rite .. its diff ... but the dae we went fer movie .. it seems like he doesnt wan mi to go wif him to find his collegues (dats wat i feel).. cos his wrk hab many branches ... previously he jus got out from NS & started tis job as a normal sales assoicate den til now supervisor ...

Bubbles` SG

everytin its not so easy as u see .. cos watever it is .. e person sees everytin is me & him .. u may tink its jus dat ...

the Bear SG

Here's a huge question which you may not want to answer...

why did you two decide to break up in the first place?

Bubbles` SG

cos of the way he treats mi ... & is worst den wat i've said in the thread ... but after we broke up, we still in contact go out & everytin. He's has prove to mi dat he wont be the same again .. & althou tis relatioship may seems not long to all but to mi .. its kinda long & alot of effort & love put in .. i wouldnt wan to jus drop it into the drian jus like dat ...

the Bear SG

nuts... looks like he's a jerk... i really hate anyone who treats their partners badly... so i'll have to stop.. i'll be biased..

before i stop, have to fire off a few salvos...

think about how he treats you and continues to treat you.. is it worth saving? or are you just asking for another heartbreak?

there.. my 2 bits' worth...

i wish you happiness... whatever your decision...

piopoz SG

2yrs is quite long by today's std...
but u've got a much longer future in front of u...
u gotta ask urself whether he is the one u wish to spend ur life wif...
sure, the past will be an influence... but its more impt to look to the future...

|Uv`-f|UtE-` SG

When he is out with your colleagues , he don't answer your calls or reply your messages...hmm..Well , maybe he is just self conscious , don't wish to let his colleagues know that his lifestyle is just revolving around his gf... Or he is simply enjoying their company and did not hear his hp ringing or notice any sms..
Did you take the initiative and let him know that you want his accompaniment during his off days ? I assume that he is a great guy from how you described him.. At least he did not let you down.. Don't be too hard on yourself and him.. And don't worry too much.. Wink

Yunhaier SG

Dear Bubbles,

This situation involve one problem which splits to relating issues - the idea behind him going out with his collegues and not sms or calling you. Trust me, the faster way to end this relationship is to trash things out in an ugly way and forbid him to go out with his collegues, in which I suppose you wouldn't go to such extend because this shows not only a lack of trust, but petty woman acts. Rolling Eyes

You treasure this relation and fear that this could show sign that he is drifting. My answer to you is - If he wants to drift - ANY KIND of situations, he will drift. However, the things you must do is to cool your worried nature and clarify issues.

Seriously speaking - by right and theory, you should give him the benefit of the doubt unless he probably lied to you before, which made you suspicious when his actions speaks otherwise. Trust is all or nothing - either you give or deny him of your trust. Rolling Eyes

Second point - when he seemed totally normal when chatting with you on the phone speaks one obvious fact - you are thinking too much and being too sensitive. When there isn't anything wrong, of course you act yourself and the way you always were - which is what you bf is behaving. He finds it nothing wrong - this is the difference in preception. All you could do is communicate and compromise your way if you value a long term relationship - nothing can do without this two elements if you desire a long term partner. Rolling Eyes

One small issue which you mentioned - he always go out with his collegues in advance and didn't let you know and you long for his company - the one good way to solve this is to book him in advance too. This isn't much of a problem - the real problem lies when you book him in advance and he still rather go out with his collegues - by then you could private message me or post it again to update your story. Rolling Eyes

You wished to see him and seek for his company - you have to let him know isn't it? Or tell him when he is going out with his collegues - inform you.

You mentioned further in your post saying about him not picking up your calls and until when he did - he says nothing and I presume it apology wasn't there too and that you both break up once and patch again - he asked for it.

One thing is I believe - when a relationship is over, rarely there is much to salvage back, majority of the time - it is just lenghtening the same outcome unless very few circumstances. If he wants to patch back and treat this relationship in such a way - obviously there is a need to talk things out. I mean - WHY patch IF you know and going to treat this relationship like the previous time or zero improvement? Rolling Eyes

Didn't the previous time taught him anything to make him better in dealing with the relationship this time around? This relationship is only a month old (I am saying from day you both patched) and he is already so eccentric.

Advice?

Communicate! Communicate and more communication. *aiyo I am getting naggy Twisted Evil * There is a need to talk things - after you do communicate with him. You could update your post in here or start a new topic.

Cheers

Devil1976 SG

There'll be 2 parts to my reply now... Remember me telling you that your case is a 'toughie'..? Actually, its seems for now that there's no SURE way to tell unless something happens or he just decided to let out all his thoughts....

PERSONAL This is my personal reply to you. High chance is your bf is straying... He could probably be a flirt and even if he's not, he's far from someone who seems like he's gonna commit and be tied down for now... Even if that is to happen, you'll probably have to accept the fact that it's gonna be years down the line.. And if you've decided to stay for this relationship, it'll probably means ALOT more great 'challenges' ahead with his character.... Personally I won't recommend you to stay in this relationship... You're still rather YOUNG and probably kinda different in the way you view a relationship now as you would in years to come... And you probably won't see a 'fruit' in this relationship until he has more or less stablised in yet many more years to come... By then you'll probably not be so interested in what he can bring to you already... It also depends on what kinda relationship you're looking for? If you're just going for a short-term and can accept the fact that he's not gonna be commited, you probably can stay a while for now if he seems interesting enough for you...? But don't go in too deep if you're just for 'short-term'... Or BEAR the consequences...

If you've decided that what I've said to you might not be so reliable to you, you might wanna try 'Defy Orders'.... Because nothing in Life is absolute, though chances are what I've said is gonna apply to a certain extent.... In 'Defying Orders', the risk you put yourself into is a DRASTIC CHANGE in you... I've seen a couple of cases in that... Certainly not a wonderful sight...? Your view in love relationship would PROBABLY change quite alot... But also, it depends on how RATIONALE and how well you can control the 'change'... If you constantly keep in mind of this point when it happens in the future, the impact is probably gonna be much reduced.... So what I would suggest is, why not just give this one up and go for another more worthy one..? Never mind how much you've already put in... This is a lousy 'Gambler's Mentality'.... If you're losing, you're LOSING... Never mind how much money you've lost by placing on that betting table, you're probably just gonna lose even more....

TECHNICAL The behaviors your bf has displayed is just his characteristics. You might be able to tolerate it for now but there might be MORE to come. Chances of STRAYING is > 75% by Simple Equilibrium Analysis. 2 additional things which might provide you with more HINT of how the situation is like:

1. How your bf behaves when he's with you and colleagues? Try to avoid you? Little attention on you?

2. How his colleagues behave when with you? (Especially when your bf's not around..) Extra friendly? Avoid you or feel awkard?

Last thing I wanna add? You might like your bf for who he was, but sometimes people DO CHANGE... Think about it....

loneryu00 SG

My 1st thought when I read yr case is: U 2 WILL break again. Dun ask me y... ask those who have gone thru dis b4 U...

I not trying to add a HUGE blade to cut U 2 apart... but U 2 have broke off B4... chances of patching back AND staying together for "how long" is slim & questionable...

Instead of worrying abt yr situation, Y not focus more on loving him UNCONDITIONALLY? Meaning dun expect any returns from him... Juz love him all U can... simple enuf.

Remember, if U r happy, U luv him happily & he will notice dat & love U happily too. BUT If U r moody or -ve... U show it in front of him, he will oso notice it & return U da favour.

Bubbles` SG

dats wat i tink oso ... but if i still love him UNCONDITIONALLY & he turn his back on mi .. the 1 losing out is still mi .. but anyway tins seems to be better ...

Bubbles` SG

hmmm .. reali thanks u guys fer advice .. we’r no longer 2gether le .. no matter how i tried to saved it .. it jus didnt wrk .. i tink maybe its better tis way .. I’ll learn to slowly pick up my life & carry on …

jOhO SG

and u sure will.. i'll be around to make sure. Wink

Bubbles` SG

Thanksss JOn JOn ~ Smile Smile

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