Actually... when I said that I feel like an old woman inside...
I don't know why but I just feel tired of this world. [NOTE: this
isn't a suicidal sign 
] I feel as if I've seen alot of the world... mostly the
bad sides, the cruelty and selfishness of mankind.
I guess when you said that it's either that I had gone through some
traumatic experience or it's simply my own perception, it's
both.
And last night after reading your message, I thought hard about it.
I realized that it is going to be extremely difficult for me to
change the way I see things.
To me, the world is, well, only the fittest survive... It is hard
for me to lower my caution towards people. I always feel very
insecure. I remember when I was very very young, in Primary One
only, I once brought this fanciful toy to school. I was playing
with it during class. And then during recess, I saw a classmate
with the same toy. I got suspicious and returned to class only to
find my toy missing. At once, I realized that it had been stolen by
my very own classmate. I panicked and cried. I tried to seek help
from a prefect. When the prefect questioned the girl, the girl
actually said that I was the one who stole her things and that the
toy was her very own! I was totally shattered. I cried and cried
and the prefect, instead of consoling me, told me rather fiercely
to stop crying or else she would tell the principal about it.
And then some years later, in the same school, I was accused of
stealing another classmate's wallet when it was found under my
table. The teacher insisted that I admit to the crime or else my
parents would have to be called to school. At that time, I didn't
have much choice. I'm a person who doesn't like to bring trouble,
so I admitted. Then I denied it again, because I thought it wasn't
right. In the end my parents were called to school and eventually
the misunderstanding was cleared up.
These are all scars that were left behind in my childhood. They
will never be erased from my memory, or I do not know how to get
over them.
I can hardly find anyone around me whom I trust. Alone, it is truly
difficult for me to stand up again...
I don't remember being loved by my parents. I can hardly remember
being loved by anyone even though it's not like my parents disliked
me or ignored me. My friends, my best friends... have even drifted
away from me after we went to different schools. It is difficult to
find another because of my caution towards everyone around
me...
