There are times in all relationships when things don't run
smoothly. Often, this is because people have conflicting
expectations, are distracted with other issues, or have difficulty
expressing what is on their minds in ways that other people can
really hear and understand what is being said. Sometimes they just
don't know what to do to make a good relationship. The following
material is about ways of enhancing relationships and working with
common problems.
Emotional Support
Let's begin with emotional support vs. emotional demands. Emotional
support for each other is critical. This means giving your partner
a feeling of being backed, supported; you're behind him or her no
matter what. This does not necessarily mean agreeing with one
another all the time. Realistically, no two people will agree on
all occasions. What it does mean is treating your partner in a way
that says, "I love you and trust you, and I'm with you through
anything."
Emotional demands can damage the relationship. Insisting that your
partner spend all of his or her time with you, insisting that they
give up their friends or that you both hang around only your
friends, insisting that you give approval of the clothes they wear,
making sure that you make all the decisions about how you spend you
time together and where you go when you go out, making them feel
guilty when they spend time with their families, making sure you
win all the arguments, always insisting that your feelings are the
most important... each of these is an emotional demand, and has
potential for damaging the relationship.
Emotional support involves accepting your partner's differences and
not insisting that they meet your needs only in the precise way the
you want them met. An example might be when want your partner to
show love for you by spending free time with you, sharing and being
open, paying attention to your concerns and needs. Of course these
are important activities, but your partner may often show his or
her love by doing things, like sharing home responsibilities,
bringing you gifts occasionally, discussing the day's events or
books and movies you've shared. Find out how your partner chooses
to show his or her love for you and don't set criteria which mean
that your partner must always behave differently before you're
satisfied. Remember, too, that the words "I love you. I like being
in a relationship with you. You're important to me." are not
demands and need to be said occasionally in any relationship.
Time Spent Together and Apart
Time spent apart and time spent together is another common
relationship concern. You may enjoy time together with your partner
and your partner may want some time together with you, but you also
may enjoy time alone, or with other friends. If this gets
interpreted as, "my partner doesn't care for me as much as I care
need" or "I resent the time my partner spends alone because they
don't want to spend it with me and they must not really love me,"
you may be headed for a disastrous result by jumping to a premature
conclusion. Check out with your partner what time alone means and
share your feelings about what you need from the relationship in
terms of time together. Perhaps you can reach a compromise where
you get more time together but leave your partner the freedom to be
alone or with others times when it is needed, without your feeling
rejected or neglected or thinking of your partner as selfish,
inconsiderate, or non-caring. Demanding what you want, regardless
of your partner's needs, usually ends up driving your partner
away.
Your Partner's Family
For some people, dealing with their partner's family is difficult.
You may wonder how you can have a good relationship with them, or
if you want to. Let's assume at the very beginning that most
parents are concerned about their children. They do want to stay in
contact with their children. They do want to see them, visit them
and have continuing contact with them. However, a problem sometimes
arises when these parents forget that their children are separate
individuals and that they now have separate lives and that they
must make their own decisions. Some family members volunteer a lot
of uninvited advice or try to tell you and your partner how to run
your lives. One way of handling this is to listen respectfully, let
them know that you care about what they think and what they would
do, but not make any promises to follow their advice. Just simply
listen because they have a need to say it. If they attempt to
pressure you into agreeing with them, you must be firm in saying,
"I respect your views and ideas. Thanks for letting us know how you
might deal with it. We'll think about that when we make our
decision." You might need to say this a number of times before the
family members finally get the message that you're going to make
your own decisions even after hearing their advice. It will also be
important that you and your partner be in agreement that you will
deal with unsolicited advice in this way so you can support one
another in the face of what could be some very intense
"suggestions."
Friends
There are some people who seem to believe that "If I'm in a
relationship. I have to give up all my personal friends unless my
partner likes them as well as I do." Giving up your personal
friends should not be a requirement of being in a relationship.
Neither should it be assumed that your partner will like your
personal friends as much as you do, so insisting that your friends
should be their friends might not be reasonable. Just as with other
areas in a relationship, who you and your partner spend time with
together can be negotiated. You might ask, for instance: "Which of
my friends do you enjoy seeing and which would you rather I see
alone or at other times when I'm not with you?" There is certainly
no reason to inflict upon your partner a friend who she or he does
not enjoy. You can see those friends somewhere else or you can see
them at home at a time when your partner is out doing something
else. You do not have to give up your friends who mean a great deal
to you. Being forced into giving up friends usually leads to
resentment. It's important to talk with your partner about
friendships with others, to negotiate them and to recognize that
each of you need to continue your friendships even when you are
intimately involved with one another.
Money Matters
How do you and your partner make decisions about handling money?
Are decisions made individually or mutually? How are the priorities
set about how money is to be earned? Spent? Who pays the bills? How
much money goes into savings and for what purposes? How are "big
ticket" (tuition, childcare, rent, car payments) items decided on?
Does each member of the partnership control her or his own money or
is it pooled? Is each partner expected to add to the mutual income?
If only one is to work, how is it decided who it will be? If you
find that you and your partner have differing expectations, it
makes sense that you will have to make time to talk about them
after stating your feelings, wishes, and desires and listening
carefully to those of your partner. Decisions that might be easy to
make when you're making them only for yourself might be more
difficult when they involve someone else and the best solutions
might not be those you think of just on your own. Discussion and
cooperation may not provide any magic solutions to difficult
financial problems, but knowing you and your partner agree about
how to approach the situation will relieve at least some of the
stress.
Coping with Changing Expectations in the Relationship
Relationships change over time. This is neither a good nor a bad
thing, but it is a fact. What you want from a relationship in the
dating stages might be quite different from what you want after you
have been together a number of years. Changes in other areas of
your life, outside your relationship, will have an impact on what
you want and need from the relationship. You need to be sure you
and your partner make time to discuss your expectations and
negotiate responsibilities. The most important thing is that you
need to do a great deal of careful, respectful listening to what
each wants, and a lot of careful, clear communication about what
each of you wants. Change of any sort tends to be at least a little
stressful, yet because it is inevitable, welcoming change as an
opportunity to enhance the relationship is more fruitful than
trying to keep change from happening. Planning for changes together
can lead the relationship into new and exciting places.
Seven Basic Steps to Maintaining a Good Relationship
Be aware of what you and your partner want for yourselves and what
you want from the relationship.
Let one another know what your needs are.
Realize that your partner will not be able to meet all of your
needs. Some of these needs will have to be met outside the
relationship.
Be willing to negotiate and compromise on the things you want from
one another.
Do not demand that a partner change to meet all your expectations.
Work to accept the differences that you see between your ideal and
the reality.
Try to see things from the other's point of view. This doesn't mean
that you must agree with one another, but rather that you can
expect yourself and your partner to understand and respect your
differences, your points of view and your separate needs.
Where critical differences exist in your expectations, needs,
opinions or views, try to negotiate.
