Even boulders will become sand one day..How strong i am in one
ways, im sure to be weak in another.. Even though i have known the
answer yet i still GAMBLE for the different one cos UNDER DOGS do
win sometimes.. I juz need some generous opinions from u all
here..
NS life has been great in occupying my life giving my things to do
than relek at home doing nothing and now with 120 days before ORD
.. ive already make plans on where to go after this..
its been 2 years since my break with my ex and along the line ive
felt a lost of love and hope..lots of things to share but no one to
receive.. really missed a person whom i care and loved most..
but a long the way. i was given a chance to meet someone whom i can
show my care.. a gerl of much suffering, a gerl who have taste the
abusive part of a relationship. with my two hands i came to "pick"
her up giving her assurance that with me by her side, she will
never suffer anymore..my only hope is that she will appreciate it.
but somehow.. she came with an accompany.. a couple who are back
stabbers..
two backstabbers verses me?? this unfair treatment cause me a lost
and now she is nowhere to be seen. fortunately for the short period
of frendship with her i manage to get her contact. i jus hope she
was fine
this is the "exact script" im gonna send to her..im sorry if its a
bit too long for you all but its more elaborate..sorry.. hopefully
i can consider all your opinions.. thanx
"Guess this may be my final apology to you.. therefore i'll try to
be more comprehensive yet compact. Guess what you've told me before
about choosing a person you talk to was true and i realised and
understand well. Seeds will never grow anymore, so theres no point
for me shining upon it. In the end it only tires me. its no point
for me to say so much since you've made your final decision. even
though its hard and painful to let it go but well, its your
decision and not mine. But i would'nt have said so much if you did
not pester me that much and TITI (a backstabber) didn't come into
the picture, but still my fault anyway. Of course i would rather
takes things slowly than juz come straight into action. i would
only be in this way if i was feeling presurred. i already have enuf
experience in this but not when a third party, worst still, TITI is
involve. ive learnt a new lesson well. Thanx. She is the type that
will make me stay single forever whenever she is around. even
though i knew this before i met you, i still GAMBLE myself in
seeking their frendship (TITI and TATA(her stead)) and hope
everything will be fine. i really REALLY never thought it really
become like this, as what i've long feared. so painful, so sebak.
but well its OVER now and i really had enuf.
Guess it was my fault for giving u "sweet" words during the time
you "terisak-isak"(speaking with stop stop after a long time of
crying) called me (still remember??). of course im surprised when
you called me in such state but what shocked me was the words you
said.. TOO painful n it feels like a sharp knife being hurled onto
my heart. somehow the pain seem soo familiar n i can sensed that
its not your "knife" but someone elses, someone gave "it" to you
whom ive known for centuries ago, same old brand new "knife".
At that time i am at lost of words trying to gain back your trust
in me and to convince you that i dun mean all such things that you
say about me "aiming" those gerls in (a place) n now its your turn,
which is exactly not true at all. tears came out of my eyes
whenever i teringat-ingat (remember) these words you've said. what
i can do at that time is to listen and remember everything you
said, gathering all my fluids i have in me into my eyes and came
out as tears. i think i had collected enuf tears to make a pail
full. For your info, in (a place) or everywhere, i dun really talk
to the youths cos i dun really like being a high profile. in (ano
ther place), i even reject myself as one of the high post that they
offered me. i just want to be low profile, low commitment. i dun
like to be in high post cos the higher i stand, the harder i get
whenever i fall. i only talk to people, only certain people whom
somehow associated with me or sharing common tasks, like you. and i
usually talk more to those people who seem looking sad, lonely and
troubled. NO please dun look is such a way that im taking advantage
of the situation. im juz offering my hands and my ears to their
problems if they wished to share. since im alone and happy, why not
me cheer them up, being their company, making them forget all the
worries they have. thats why i came to you, sincerely wish to know
what happen to you. if you are happy and joins the rest of your
frends, why the heck im trying to get your attention for? i would
rather mind my own business, relek one corner smiling to myself, go
out to smoke alone or with TATA or play around the Audio Visual
system in the lecture room or even hang out with brother Soh, the
chinese but malay speaking guy whom youve noticed he had been
talking for hours at me. im sure he still got lots to share his
experience with me. im sorry for being rough and direct in my words
to be true.
You proved yourself that u r at lost and your problems really
REALLY turns my whole attention to you, wanting to know more about
you. thats where i begin to find ways to keep me in contact with
you (email addy by the first day, contact number by the second..).
i thought ive told you before about my strange behaviour whenever i
read the papers n discover the section about abuse, rapes n of this
kinds going on in the world especially singapore. This makes me
different from the rest and do u ever met or hear about any guys
who have the same feelings as me? Everytime i read the headings,
curses n vulgurities comes out of my mouth, relieving my anger
about the situation. On the other hand, i always told myself that i
wished i were there there or that thing would never happen. i wish
i were there to take them away preventing them from same incident
to happen again to them. As long as they are by my side, it is a
promise i make by sacrificing myself and my time to ensure thrie
safety, security and that they are better treated than before. To
hapuskan segala suffering yang mereka telah alami selama ini and
change for the better episode of life. And if they suffer, make
sure i will suffer too. this is me. even though it seems impossible
for anyone to achieve but this is what i aimed for. Its NOT that i
will do this OUT OF PITYNESS, but to show them that there are
people who cares for them and to show that being alive dosent mean
to suffer. our aim is not only happiness in Thereafter but also
happiness in this world.
Everytime after prayer, i would (ask GOD) that someday i would meet
such person n fulfil my promises if they would accept. But when i
met you, listen to your problems, i thought my wishes had been
granted.. whats more, you started to message me during on my way
home as soon as we got each other contact number and started to
call each other up, sharing personal feelings that night itself and
ended up late at night even though i've told u i got a phobia in
talking for a long time thru the phone. Never had anyone done this
much to me before, especially to whom i've juz met. Even with my
EX- or those ive met before.. i've never exceeded more than 10
minutes worth of chatting. Feelings that you share with me that
night and things that you do are enuf for me to judge that you are
giving trust in me and telling me that you need someone by your
side and of course i would give my trust and sincerity to u as a
trade. BUT if you merely USE me JUZ to keep you ENTERTAINED by
hearing my console, sweet words of hope and to keep you OCCUPIED
after your BREAK with your EX-, i really REALLY REGRET meeting a
person like you. You are just like any other gerls whom ive met
that USES me like a TOOL for ENTERTAINMENT. I really really trust
you that you are not of this kind of gerl..
i can sense that our friendship are getting closer and closer as
days goes by, keeping each other in contact even though we have
already met that day. The trust that you give me grew and i
treasure it by keeping up its progress very slowly. i dun wanna
break such nice frendship by saying that i began to like you
straight away cos i have experience and know the result and i dun
want that to happen. I do maintain myself, tasting every bit of a
nice and warm growing close friendship. But somehow, everything
turns SOUR, BITTER AND PAINFUL. i can't believe the situation that
i feared most is going to happen at this immature stage and i
simply can't say anything right after you have told me what TITI
told you about me. After you have put down the phone i fel so
helpless, hopeless, asking myself what i have done wrong to TITI.
Have i not WORKED HARD enuf in GAINING back their TRUST and erasing
all the bad doubts she have about me?? What a sharp knife she gave
it to you. it really REALLY cuts up my brittle heart away. The
heart that i take 2 years to mend after my break with my EX-. i
never thought it would break again. Tears came down like rain that
day as i thought it was really REALLY all OVER. i know TITI very
well, and im NOT the only ones who DUN LIKE her. A person of strong
influence and people like me is sure to lose. Since i know its all
over and thinking that you will never call me anymore, ive decided
to make my last words, telling you how i actually felt about you
and how i wanted to fulfil my promises i make for someone like you.
At least before we went to our separate ways, you would always
remember that you have met a UNIQUE guy like me, a guy full of
dreams and wishes to fulfil. And meeting a person like you will
always be in my memories. I even ERASED your number to prevent me
from calling you again after i end my last words. I dun like to
pester people so much. i do respect their decision and take it
whole heartedly BUT i do change my standing if they change too.
After i had make my last words, i decided to book out from my NCC
attachment at Ang Mo Kio and straight to my Sister's house at Pasir
Ris.
I really REALLY hesitate to answer your call when you suddenly
called me again cos i find that theres nothing to talk anymore as
its already OVER. Wondering and telling myself what more that you
still need from me and have you had ENUF breaking my HEART? i
thought that you too would like to give me your LAST wordZ. i was
shocked to hear the change in the tone of your voice. My mind
starts to be in a big mess that time, hesitating every words i say
to you but you keep on pestering me. My sentences starts to jumble
up from that point onwards, telling you things that i should not
have said earlier and did not say things that i should at first. i
dun even know what exactly i told you but u keep on pestering me to
tell you things what i've no longer remembers. i dunno why exactly
do you keep on pestering me but now i seem to UNDERSTAND well. it
seems that that the more i say, the more you started to avoid me,
feeling that you are giving me FALSE hope whenever i called you. i
UNDERSTAND well now, how CRUEL... It hurts me much deeper whenever
u began to AVOID my calls/messages after what ive already told you
everything. You always told me that you are always buzy with your
school work but its not possible that you are 24 HRS buzy rite? Why
do you still gives me HOPE if you dun TRUST me ANYMORE? DO I EVER
HURT YOU OR TELL YOU LIES BEFORE? Whats my MISTAKE that makes you
be so cold towards me? Yet you tell me that you patched up with
your EX- who hurts you soo much and tell you lies.
You told me before how bad he is, YET you still want to STICK with
him. WHY DEAR WHY?? Issit because he is VERY RICH? He lives in a
BUNGALOW? He gives you HANDPHONE? He used to have a SUGAR MOMMY and
therefore he is MORE EXPERIENCED? And because he DID THOSE THINGS
to you? And because i cant PROVIDE all these THINGS for you?? If
so, i will end my words here cos theres no point for me to write
any further.. I know its not because of all THESE but issit becos
of TITI again? Im sure she will NEVER GIVE UP ON ME and guessed she
is the one telling you to be with your EX- again no matter what
happen (THIS IS STUPID!!!) AS LONG AS IT WILL NEVER BE with ME,
even though
i NEVER recommend you to be with him back. It is until he SLAPPED
you hard AGAIN then you realise how true i am right? For once in my
LIFETIME TITI called me and surprisingly with the intention on
"stabbing" me herself. I can still feel the pain right now, you
know. What have i really done to you that you are like this?
PLEASE take note that everything i've said ARE NOT TO say bad
things about you, scold you or insult you cos never i had these in
mind, but to let you know how i really feel after knowing you and
after all the incidents that had happen. Frankly i would say that i
can't bear to feel the PAIN that we are now no longer in talking
terms like before. i DOWAN this to prolong and DOWAN us to be
"drifted" far far apart like this. i REALLY really wish to mend our
frendship ties which i feel it had already torn. even though we may
not be as close as before, at least we are'nt hesitate lend to each
other a hand whenever need arises cos we might need each others
help in future, therefore it would be better for us not to have bad
feelings towards each other. BUT of course i dowan you to be
another TITI, i were there when she needs help but as PRICE, she
gives you a knife to strike me satisfyingly hard. So PAINFUL, SO
SAD, SO DISAPPOINTING, SO REGRET even though i sincerely gives her
a hand. I really REALLY miss the days when you message and call me
me now and then, but now its juz a dream to me and your "buziness"
seem have placed me very far at the back of your mind, while ME
keep ON THINKING how are you DOING out there, telling MYSELF that
YOU are SAFE and NOT to WORRY.
I wrote all these things NOT to gain your SYMPHATY, PITYNESS or
even the NEED to CONSOLE me. Its just to MAKES THINGS CLEAR to you
that NEVER i am DESPERATE to you or anyone else as what TITI had
told you. What i wished is juz frendship from EVERYONE, telling
them that i aM HERE, i am PRESENT, i got a hand to SPARE and if
theres somehow someone who got interested in me, i would menyambut
dengan hati yang terbuka, BUT with slower and more cautious steps,
more doubts to ponder.. I DO HAVE A HEART, I DO HAVE A LIFE, I DO
LOVE AND I DO CARE...
Me would like to APOLOGISE if theres any of my words have make u
sad, disappoint you, makes you frust or even "pissed" you off.. Im
really REALLY sorry. PLEAse do correct me if theres any mistakes in
my words and feelings that i have shared with you here. im sure
there are a few or at least one. I would really REALLY appreciate
if you could reply these long and tiring words of mine cos this
might me the last time me in contact with you as i am DONE what
i've wanted to say to you before. Never do i want to DISAPPOINT you
or anyone who have met me before. Never do i want anyone to have
bad feelings or bear grudges with each other except those who r
potentially able to DESTROY MY LIFE like you know who.. well before
i go.. my BIG APOLOGY for you. SORRIE. TAke care and Good Luck for
NOW. STILL FRENDS OK??? BYE!!
MEDIK!!
PS: Please tell me that you still need me so that i can stay a
LITTLE while longer and PLEASE do tell me to BEGONE if you HATE ME
and i will REALLY REALLY pack up and go, leaving only trace to show
that i was HERE.."
AS Always but NOT all the TIME..
------------------
Professional Critics