Hi Alice,
I was wondering if there was any way that a hymen can be replaced
by plastic surgery? I am not a virgin and will marry an Arab man
who will expect his wife to be a virgin during the wedding. I know
this must sound a little odd but I really need your help!
Thank you.
Dear Reader,
Your concern isn't odd or unusual. Many women decide about sharing
info regarding their sexual (in)experience and/or virginity status
with their partners and/or prospective spouses, risking loss of
face, and possibly loss of the relationship. The choice to have
surgery to recreate a hymen seems drastic and risky. However, some
women decide it is the most appropriate option, given their
circumstances.
"Proofs" of virginity are unreliable, inaccurate, or misleading. A
torn or absent hymen does not signify that a woman has had vaginal
intercourse. A hymen can be stretched or torn by horseback riding,
ballet exercises, tampon use, or even a regular gynecological exam.
Some women are even born without a hymen. Blood on the sheets,
considered necessary in some societies and cultures, also does not
indicate virginity or first sexual intercourse. Contrary to popular
belief, all women do not bleed during their first sexual experience
involving vaginal penetration. A small study published in the
British Medical Journal in 1998 backs this up: Sara Paterson-Brown,
M.D., a gynecologist, interviewed 41 of her female colleagues at a
London hospital, and found that twenty-six of them did not bleed
during their first experience, 14 did, and one could not remember.
The absence of bleeding is explained by previous stretching of the
hymen, or because some women have a naturally more elastic
hymen.
Proving virginity involves invested interests and concerns for many
parties: the medical profession; families with a desire to preserve
cultural traditions (e.g., transfer of property, status of women);
men and societies that hold on to beliefs about virginity and
female purity; and especially the women who have to take all of
these things into consideration.
Women in traditional societies or families may often feel
pressured, or even forced, to meet traditional notions of purity
for fear of being shamed, humiliated, ostracized, abused, or even
killed. Conflicting emotions arise concerning values, a physical
"proof" of virginity, and truthfulness, trust, and mutual respect
that form cornerstones of healthy relationships. Considering all of
these factors adds stress to the decision. Self-preservation and
safety also play vital parts in the decision-making process.
Through a surgical procedure called hymenorraphy, health care
providers recreate the hymen by piecing together its remnants.
Surgery can also include inserting a gelatin capsule filled with a
blood-like substance that will burst during intercourse, simulating
bleeding. If there is not enough hymen left, or if the woman was
born without one, part of the vaginal wall is used to recreate this
thin tissue. The procedure, considered relatively simple, is
performed on an outpatient basis. In some countries, women will be
seen several weeks after the procedure to follow up on any
resulting physical effects and emotional issues.
Some health care providers in Western countries will perform
hymenorraphy but, not surprisingly, many providers are divided in
their opinions about performing the operation. Some consider the
procedure a form of plastic surgery and consent to perform it.
Others fear that the surgery furthers sexual inequality. Still
others consider it unethical to allow surgical intervention in a
patient's body solely for cultural or social concerns.
Hymenorraphy is generally illegal in countries where cultural
traditions place great emphasis on the bride's virginity before
marriage. The procedure, however, is still performed illegally, and
at a high cost. When it's done illegally, standards of cleanliness,
training, and the reputation of the health care provider are
additional things to worry about. Some women may also have to worry
about securing up to U.S. $2000.00 for the procedure (though it can
often cost much less, even as low as U.S. $100.00, in some parts of
the world. To some readers, this may seem an imaginable amount of
money.).
The woman might also be concerned about the surgery being included
in her medical records. If she has the procedure done in a country
where it is illegal, there isn't this worry. Some countries, such
as the Netherlands, allow surgeries like hymenorraphy to be deleted
from the permanent medical record. Women having the procedure done
legally need to ask their provider about whether or not this
becomes a part of their permanent medical record.
It is not clear whether you have a current fiancé, or you are
concerned about someone you might meet in the future. Just some
thoughts: how certain are you that your prospective husband will
expect you to be a virgin? Has he verbalized his expectation that
his wife be one? And would you really need the surgery even if he
does expect his wife to be a virgin? Maybe he already knows that
not all women bleed or have pain during their first
intercourse.
If you know for sure that he expects you to be a virgin, you have
some options to consider. You can decide to proceed with surgery,
lying to him in order to avoid his and/or his family's anger, and
to save your marriage and possibly yourself. Or, you may want to
reconsider your marriage to someone whom you believe will expect
his wife to be a virgin. Or, you can tell him the truth (if it's
safe to tell him) and see what happens.
You also might want to ask yourself if you know whether your future
husband is a virgin. Do you expect him to be one, if you don't
already know whether he is or not? If he isn't, or if you don't
expect him to be one, how do you feel about his expecting you to be
a virgin? If he is not one, would he be tested for sexually
transmitted infections (STIs) before marriage? If it's clear that
you must be a virgin without any consideration of your fiancé's
past experiences, then you might find yourself in an unhealthy
relationship with someone who doesn't really respect your equality
in the marriage. Of course, in unhealthy relationships, it may not
be safe to ask these questions. However, it may be useful to ask
yourself these questions, and to consider your choices in view of
your future.
It is also possible that you and your future husband have made a
conscious commitment to both be virgins before marriage. If that is
the case, then you are not being honest with him, and if you have
been able or willing to discuss this issue in the past, you need to
be willing to be honest with him now. Beginning a marriage with a
lie seems to be starting with pretty shaky foundations.
These are complicated and anxiety-provoking decisions, but you will
need to soul search to figure out what you want. Since hymenorraphy
is taboo and not talked about in most cultures where it's an issue,
support resources and networks appear to be nonexistent. Cultural
and economic influences also limit the choices a woman truly
has.
Source: http://www.goaskalice.columbia.edu/2272.html
