Set the mood
Start with sensual time, alone or with him (or her). Run a bath and
light candles while pouring in your favorite bubbles and scent. I
recommend aromatherapy salts (found in most department and bath
stores) to stimulate moods and relax the body, mind and spirit. Put
relaxing and romantic music on the CD player, set aside some
soothing body lotion or oils (natural is best) and dive into the
warmth of the water for relaxation time. If your lover is with you,
even better. This is a terrific way to relax together and get into
the mood for lovemaking. You might give each other a back scrub or
rub-a-dub-dub in all the right places, to allow those tight muscles
to soften and to get your heads into gear for the delicious road
ahead.
Couples report to me that there really is nothing to match a
sensual massage for letting go and coming together. Take your turns
to give and to receive this touch -- softly, firmly, gently, slowly
-- to produce even more relaxation. Remember that great sex usually
only occurs in relaxed bodies, so take the time to prepare
yourself.
Focus on foreplay
Many women need to have their breasts or nipples touched to become
aroused. Have your lover include this in your prelude to sex, to
ignite your energies. Most women report that they need to be kissed
before feeling sexual. Perhaps that's because for some women
kissing "feels" more intimate than sexual intercourse and turns on
the faucet of loving emotions. In some ancient lovemaking
traditions, passionate kissing is done only with those you truly
love and trust. (Remember in Pretty Woman when the most intimate
thing Julia Robert's character, the hooker-turned-Cinderella, could
do was kiss Richard Gere? Same principle.) So get him to breathe
into your breath with you as you explore each other's mouths. Learn
to look eye to eye for that connection while you penetrate and
probe the mouth with your tongue and breath. If your man is an "air
kisser," teach him how to really kiss.
Oral sex is a valid sexual exchange, of course. But for most women
it is not foreplay, whatever their male partners may say. Most
women require foreplay in a variety of ways -- deep connective
kissing, passionate breathing together, eye contact while caressing
and being caressed, massage and fondling, licking and sucking of
breasts and nipples. But oral-genital contact is another level for
most women. When a woman's genitals are stimulated properly she can
achieve her first orgasm, which I highly recommend before the penis
goes anywhere near her vagina.
Know thy genitals
Renowned sex educator Betty Dodson advises that all women (and men)
should spend time at least once learning about their own anatomy.
By sitting naked in front of a mirror and visually exploring your
own landscape, you will find answers to your own questions about
how you look and maybe how and why you do or don't work to your
sexual capacity. Notice where your clitoris is; how the hood covers
it; how your clitoral shaft protrudes; how low the opening to your
vagina sits; whether your outer lips are fatty and cover you up or
whether you are baring all to the wind.
Many women who have trouble getting to their single or multiple
orgasms are those with a delicate, perhaps barely noticeable,
clitoral hood or covering. If so, some may have shut down their
sexual reactions to being touched there, as a way to dampen the
continual sensations that they originally felt as girls or young
women. Just as men must learn to ignore the signals from the
clothes rubbing against their crotch, girls also learn to turn on
or off according to what's necessary. By reframing those thoughts
and learning to reassociate that part of the body with pleasure and
being "on," women can redirect their orgasmic potential.
Find your hot spots
There are three possible areas for penetration and stimulation, not
counting the mouth: the G-spot, vagina and anus. Probing and
rubbing inside the first third of the vagina, either by hand, penis
or vibrator, can bring a G-spot orgasm that produces heights of
enjoyment. Some women need more direct or indirect clitoral
stimulation while he's inside, while others need their partners to
lick them to their zenith while having a finger or vibrating
internal rod probe her deeply. Some women's excitement grows with a
finger or vibrator in their anus.
Only you and your partner will know what does the trick for your
anatomy, your sexual response pattern, your own relationship and
the interactions that emerge between you two. Each couple have
their own manner of expressing sexual energy, sharing loving
feelings and lustful ones, and intermingling bodies. Find your own
brand of merging and then add to it, like candles on the
cake.
The path to multiple orgasms in women includes all the preparatory
phases to get into the mood, following your natural sexual response
patterns and then pushing through to the next level. Clear the
mental, open the emotional, learn how to play the body like a
musical instrument, and trust yourself (and your lover) to
transcend the first pop and then keep going. I find that women
often need to be given permission to have their first little "O"
and then keep soaring before they break open the envelope. To find
the multiple-orgasm level in you, let go, push past where you have
left off before and bring your lover along to enjoy the
ride.
