A Nebraska teenager, 16 year old Tommy Mason, is getting to live
his 15 minutes of fame. Imperial Margarine wants him to be their
new spokesperson and they say theyre willing to wait until his
trial and jail time is over.
Tommy was arrested last month on charges of indecent exposure and
public indecency. Luckily for Tommy hes a minor and will only
serve four months in a juvenile detention centre. Some think that
isnt enough time.
Thats not what margarine is for, says supermarket manager Mike
Johnson, "And while I don't care what product he uses for pulling
his cord, I'd prefer he didn't do it in my store."
Imperial Margarine spokesperson Bill Simpson agrees but says who
are we to tell people how to use our product? After all, we sell
margarine, not morality.
Margarine is increasingly becoming the wank-off lube of choice
amongst youngsters as it's cheap, readily available and doesn't
carry the same stigma as a fifteen year old buying a jar of
vaseline and a skin mag at the wee hours of the morning.
Tommy says it all started when he saw his high-school crush Naomi
Hunters working at the cash. Shes a real hottie, says Tommy. I
couldnt contain myself (and) when I saw that margarine I just had
to do it. Naomi says shes flattered and disgusted by all this.
But mostly disgusted, she adds.
Bill Simpson sees it differently though. If somebody wants to slap
a big handful of margarine on their unit and pleasure themselves
thats fine with me, but its my job to make sure its Imperial
margarine on their unit and not some cheap store brand.
We spend a fortune coming up with new ideas every year, says
Simpson. This kid just saved us a fortune in marketing. And
Imperial wants to reward Tommy by making him their new
spokesperson. Once Tommy is done serving his four months at a
Nebraska state detention centre he will be signed to a 3 year
contract at $1.5 million dollars per year.
~~~~~~good money 
