Directed by Gary Winik
Written by Heather McGowan and Niels Mueller
Starring
- Sigourney Weaver as Eve
- Aaron Stanford as Oscar Grubman
- John Ritter as Stanely Grubman
- Bebe Neuwirth as Diane
Matt has a dirty mind. Active, but dirty.
Tadpole: From tadpoling, The currently fashionable phenomenon of
older women dating men at least one decade their junior.
All young men have had such fantasies. Hell, I'm not so sure the
desire ever leaves, unless of course we are of advancing middle-age
and our only options are women who, at best, resemble our
grandmothers. I am speaking of the lust we might hold for an older
woman. When we are young men, full of idealism, passion, and a need
to screw anything that moves, older women are seen not only as
experienced sexually, but as the holders of great wisdom and
dignity; a direct contrast to the vapid ninnies that are the vast
majority of teenage girls. This yearning for a woman of keen
intellect and worldly delight is, of course, wholly dependent on
our comparable abilities, for it is unlikely that the captain of
the football team requires philosophical examinations and
existential ruminations.
Oscar (Aaron Stanford) is just such a lad. Erudite, wise, and
preoccupied with Voltaire, he holds out hope that he may indulge in
his need for an idealized older woman. Such matters are complicated
by the fact that she, Eve (played by Sigourney Weaver), is Oscar's
stepmother. The story begins as Oscar is home for Thanksgiving
break to visit his father Stanley (the always charming John Ritter)
and his new wife. Stanley is a professor of history, Eve a medical
researcher, and Oscar the shining product of such a stellar
environment. As an example of Oscar's obviously different needs, he
is approached by a tartish young school chum on the train home.
While most young boys of fifteen would be soiling their jeans at
such an opportunity, Oscar is immersed in Candide, pausing only to
notice that the young girl does not possess the hands of a great
woman. Oscar is just that sort of romantic. He wants more than the
average girl his age can give. He wants his stepmother.
Oscar's world is one of dinner parties with his father's
colleagues, private schools, and yes, friends of the family who
desperately want to sleep with young Oscar. The woman in question,
Diane (Bebe Neuwirth), flirts with young Oscar as the film opens
and within a matter of minutes, has him on her chiropractic table
with his shirt off. After much drinking and innuendo, the two end
up in the sheets, although this is not enough for dear Oscar. Diane
is older, yes, but not possessing the elevated gifts of his deepest
fantasies. She is not his stepmother. Oscar even manages to get
several phone numbers from Diane's girlfriends, but he is
disinterested at best. And yes, it was at this point I most felt
the film's unreality. One may pine for the one holy grail of older
women, but it is inconceivable that any teenage boy is going to
resist the advances of other older women. It would have been far
more gratifying (and in touch with the world as we know it), had
Oscar bedded each and every one of these 40-ish ladies, and dammit,
I wanted to witness it all. Is that asking too much?
Of course, Oscar wants to keep his liaison with Diane a closely
guarded secret, but all is revealed at a farcical dinner at a
restaurant. The scene is full of a frantic, desperate humor, and it
was one of the undeniable pleasures of the film. Eve is stunned,
and doesn't quite know how to deal with Oscar after the affair is
out in the open. One could argue that she would be properly
disgusted, but because this is Oscar's story, we know that deep
down, she is (albeit reluctantly) slightly curious. After all, Eve
is charmed by Oscar - they share literary discussions and speak in
tones usually reserved for university roundtables. She seems
content with Oscar's father, but as in all cinematic marriages of
this type, there is a "hole" that prevents true and absolute
happiness. Oscar just might be the key that unlocks her moribund
marital state.
It would be nasty of me to reveal the outcome of this dilemma,
although I can say that the result is gently satisfying because it
ends as it should. Still, I do have a problem with one aspect of
the conclusion, in that Oscar is seen as "redeemed" by a new found
interest in the very type of girl who so bored him at the
beginning. The young lass on the train appears again as Oscar
returns to school, only this time she is armed with a handy quote
from Voltaire. It is certain that this girl merely memorized a bit
of the Frenchman's work in order to get into Oscar's pants, but
that seems to be enough for him. We can imagine that the filmmakers
are implying that Oscar must (and will) forego his attraction to
older women and begin to accept girls of his own age group. Why
must this be so? Oscar was our screen champion; a boy who desired
stimulation of the mind and body that only a seasoned woman could
provide. Teenage girls might do the trick in the back row of a
movie theater, but they will never exchange the sorts of knowing
glances that come when two people have entered a distinctly higher
plane. We wanted then (and want even today, regardless of age) the
carnal and the scholarly; orgasms and poetry.
At 77 minutes, Tadpole is both quick and light as a feather. It is
fine entertainment, but lacking true depth and quality (filmed on
digital video, it is often blurry and unfocused). There are genuine
laughs to be found and the performances are sharp (Stanford is a
keeper). Still, I wanted Oscar to keep his dreams alive and
continue in his quest to find the perfect woman. At 15, he is
unlikely to find such things among his peers. Personally, I was a
loser all-around at that age, but I too felt the tug of the "woman"
- deep, insightful, sophisticated, even married with a family -
that surpassed even the hottest of young flesh. For while I would
have sold my mother to bandits in order to have quick, mindless sex
at that age, it would have taken an Eve to keep me around.
Special Ruthless Ratings:
Number of times I reflected on my own teenage lust for an older
woman: 44
Number of times I also reflected on my sexual desire at that age
for anything that could be even half-way penetrated: 65
Number of times this film will be compared to The Graduate:
99
Number of times you nevertheless thought that it would be better to
have Bebe Neuwirth licking your undercarriage than Anne Bancroft:
3
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