In attempting to warn women against the danger, many rape crisis
centers proclaim "all men are potential rapists." What a horrible
way to live. Who wants to go through life in fear of one half of
the human race? Much less believe this about those we love and are
intimate with.
The idea behind any learning should be to improve the quality of
life, not degrade it. To this end, lets leave the wild paranoia of
possible rape scenarios and move onto the more solid footing of
probable and 'very likely' - and what you can do about it.
Someone rightly said, "Dishonest people are seldom dishonest in
only one aspect of their lives." In the same vein, the
predilections that can, and do, lead to rape are not isolated. They
tend to permeate a person's character and be regularly displayed in
many small ways and in other areas. These attitudes, behaviors and
words are consistent among rapists and those who attack others. And
IF you are willing to look, they are easy to spot.
The reason it is impossible to predict who will and won't sexually
assault someone is because how these behaviors manifest is a matter
of style and preference. One person might choose to be blatant and
habitually physically attack others, while another might be more
subtle but verbally attack others on a regular basis. The motives
are the same, but the style is utterly different. And that is why
it is hard to predict who will and won't use sexual assault.
What we can accurately predict is something bad will arise out of
these character traits, the When, Where and How are impossible to
predetermine.
If you see these behaviors in a person, take care. The more you
see, the more care should be taken not to be alone him. Even if he
doesnt rape, these behaviors indicate serious character
flaws.
Danger signs
1) Insensitivity for others/emphasis on self - Does this person put
his wants above the needs, feelings or well being of others? Is
getting his way more important to him than other people's welfare?
Often this can go beyond mere selfishness and border nearly on an
"assumed divine right." Often these people will justify a
particularly vicious action with a flip comment like, "Hey, that's
how the game is played." Such a person has no understanding that he
must co-exist with others. Because he simply exists he thinks the
world "owes" him whatever he wants. A common tactic of such a
person it to make you feel bad for not doing what he wants.
2) Belittling behavior or attitudes towards others - Does this
person habitually make nasty, belittling or degrading comments
about others especially under the guise of joking? Does this
person think he is better than others? Does he look down on others?
A nouveau riche aristocrat? Is he a racist? A person who thinks
that race or social position makes him superior can also assume
gender does too. When you think you are superior, an assumed right
to take what you want often follows.
3) Negating behavior or comments - Closely related to 1 and 2. Does
he try to tell you what you are feeling or thinking? Or worse, tell
you what you are not? Comments like "you dont really mean that"
are serious indicators of someone trying to negate you. A person
who negates others is trying to take away the other persons
thoughts, feelings and needs and attempting to project his wants
onto that person. The most obvious example of this is "Well even
though she said no, she really meant yes".
4) Hostile and/or threatening language - What words does a person
use? Choice of words convey subconscious assumptions about a
particular topic. For example a man who generically refers to women
as "bitches" does not have good assumptions about females (or much
respect). It is all too easy to dismiss this behavior as just
"blowing off steam." But if it is a constant behavior, it goes far
beyond that. Someone who habitually uses violent or threatening
language should be carefully watched for possible escalation. Its
on his mind already. Its a uncomfortably short step from thinking
about to doing.
5) Bullying - This behavior is especially dangerous. Does this
person use overt or subtle threats to get his way? A bully uses the
threat of violence more than actual violence. Most often bullies
are not willing to risk conflict with someone who can hurt them (an
alpha male), and will instead chose to intimidate someone he
considers weaker and safer. Someone who is bullying over other
matters can easily turn to bullying you regarding sex.
6) Excessive anger - How easy does this person anger? Is he a
"Short Fuse"? Does he boil over at the slightest problem? This is
an indication of chronic anger. A person who explodes over a minor
issue is like a full pot boiling over on the stove. Its not that
the issue is all that important, but that he has so much anger
already, any more causes him to explode. Often people with chronic
anger look for targets to vent their anger at. This could manifest
as physical fights, abuse, or rape.
7) Brooding/ revenge - Does this person hang onto his anger long
after the situation is over? Will he still be stewing over
something while everyone else has moved onto other things? Will he
become anti-social and glare at the source of his anger from across
the room? Will he insist on taking revenge for real or imagined
slights? Both indicate a petty and obsessive personality. A brooder
fixates on something and then works himself into a frenzy over it.
A person who seeks revenge "has to win" and is willing to take it
to extremes. Refusing such a persons sexual advances can turn this
tendency towards you.
Obsession This is a
close cousin to number seven. It is a major factor with
acquaintance rapes. This is the person who wont leave you alone.
He insists on hitting on you long after you have told him no. He
is always trying establish forced intimacy (see bonding process
below). Such obsessions easily turn into anger when his advances
are rejected. One day he shows up in a fringe area, drunk and
attacks.
9) Extreme mood swings - Beware someone who can go from wildly
happy to deeply wounded at a moment's notice. This sort of
personality can feel justified to commit an unlimited amount of
violence and damage, because you "hurt his feelings." This is a
common pattern among those with chronic anger about life.
10) Physical tantrums - How does this person get angry? Especially
when denied "getting his way". Beware of a person who regularly
physically assaults his environment i.e. hitting walls, kicking
things etc. It is only a short step from striking a car to
attacking you.
11) Jock or gorilla mentality - This mentality promotes both
acceptance and encouragement for the use of violence. It is
especially common among participants of contact sports. What is
most insidious about this mentality is the "jock" receives, not
only positive reinforcement, but out-and-out applause for being
aggressive and violent. This can easily lead to a failure to
differentiate between the playing field and real life. Mike Tysons
comment is a prime example: "Nobody ever objected before."
12) A mean drunk - Nearly all rape and abuse cases involve alcohol.
Watch what surfaces when someone is intoxicated. It shows what is
always lurking underneath. Do not put yourself into a situation
where you would deal with such a person while he is intoxicated.
Most importantly, don't allow your facilities to be diminished by
alcohol or drugs in this person's presence.
13) Alcohol or drug abuse - To begin with drug and alcohol
addiction can in be traced back to selfishness and a refusal to
change ones world view. Alcohol and drugs are not the cause of bad
behavior, rather they are used as an excuse! Often the attacker
intentionally became intoxicated to ignore the social restrictions
and inhibitions regarding violence.
While there are others, these behaviors are serious indicators of a
potential rapist. This short list should acquaint you with the
basics. Not all men are rapists, but a person like this has a
higher probability than others. You not only find these traits
among rapists and abusers, but also professional criminals.
Philosophically there is little difference between such, they are
all selfish. Most often it is just a matter of degrees, style and
choice of victims.
