Funny Jokes

last SG · 2004-11-10T17:46:40+00:00

I WOULD WANT SILICON In school one day the teacher decided that in science class she talks about materials. So she stood in the front of the class and said,...

evodarren SG

SEX WHEN YOU'RE 100

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother to comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today."

evodarren SG

LITTLE BILLY

It's the first day of kindergarten, and the teacher decides to do taste association. "I'll blindfold you and give you a lifesaver, and you tell me what flavor it is," she tells the children. So she gives them all a cherry flavor, and says, "What flavor is that?"

The whole class answers "Mmm, that's cherry."

"Very good," the teacher replies. So she gives them all a grape and they reply, "Mmm, that's grape."

"Very good," she says again.

Then she gives them all a honey flavor. The whole class sits perplexed by the strange taste, so the teacher says "OK, I'll give you a hint, it's something your parents might call each other."

Billy spits his out on the floor and yells, "Spit them out everyone, they're ASSHOLES!"

evodarren SG

TRAINING TO PEE

Little Johnny was just being potty trained and his mom tried this new method with 6 steps:

1. Unbutton pants
2. Pull pants down
3. Pull foreskin back
4. Pee
5. Push foreskin forward
6. Pull pants up and button up

She walked past the bathroom one day and heard Johnny going 1,2,3,4,5,6 and she was thinking he did good.

Then she walked past the next day and heard him saying real fast 3-5, 3-5, 3-5...

evodarren SG

THE UGLY KID

There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful blonde teenage daughters. The parents decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

After months of trying, the wife became pregnant, and sure enough, nine months later she delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father of that child.

"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"

The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."

evodarren SG

POLITICIANS

A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road, when the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out looking for the missing politicians, saw the crashed bus, and asked the farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The farmer said, "I buried them all... out back." The sheriff then asked, "Were they ALL dead?" The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how those politicians lie."

evodarren SG

WHALE

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.

The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our air hole at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore.

The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."

At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.

"Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

The average blue whale produces over 400 gallons of sperm when it ejaculates, but only 10% of that actually makes it into his mate. So 360 gallons are spilled into the ocean every time one unloads, and you wonder why the ocean is so salty...

evodarren SG

CONDOM SIZE

Two old women are walking one day and it starts to rain. One of the women takes a condom out of her pocket.

The other woman says "what do you have that for?" And, the first woman says "well, when it rains I use condoms to cover my cigarettes so they don't get wet."

The other woman says, "Oh that is a good idea!" So she goes to the pharmacy. While there she asks a clerk "where are the condoms?" and the clerk says "are you sure YOU want condoms?" And she says "Yes."

So the clerk asks her "what size do you want?" And she replies "Um, big enough to fit over a camel."

evodarren SG

BREASTSTROKE

3 girls, a blonde, brunette and a redhead decided to compete in 50m breaststroke. So they jumped into the pool and swam.

The redhead reached the other side and got out of the pool in 30mins. Fair enough.

The brunette got out of the pool in 45mins. But the blonde was nowhere to be seen.

Finally after 5 hours, she got out of the pool and they asked her why she took such a long time. "It's not fair! You all used hands!"

evodarren SG

CROWDED IN HEAVEN

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died.

St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this; I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator..."

evodarren SG

TOOTHBRUSH

A little girl accidentally walks in on her father while he's getting dressed. She points to his dick and says, "Daddy, what's that?" Not wanting to explain sex to her yet, he says, "Uh, I can't tell you, it's a secret."

The little girl finds her mother and asks, "What is that long thing between Daddy's legs?" Her mother also doesn't want to explain sex yet, so she says, "I don't know, he won't tell me."

A couple days later the little girl says to her mother, "Mommy, I finally figured out what that thing between Daddy's legs is. It's a toothbrush!"

"Why do you think that?" the amused mother asks. "Because," the little girl says, "this morning I saw the maid sliding it in and out of her mouth and she had toothpaste dripping down her chin

evodarren SG

SOAP DISPENSER
Rating: 4.8/5 Votes: 5

A man and a woman made passionate love in the back seat of his car, in the process they managed to throw all of the clothes out the window and down a steep cliff.

After the sex the woman asked for a pack of cigarettes, the guy said but Im naked and all of my clothes are at the bottom of the cliff.

She convinced the man to get the cigarettes, and to act like a statue when some comes near him. So the man got two packs of cigarettes when a car of three nuns pulled up.

He freeze like a statue like the woman said. The first nun came up to the man and pulled on his penis until he dropped a pack of cigarettes then said, "Oh! A cigarette dispenser."

Then the second nun comes up to the man and pulled on his penis which made him drop the second pack of cigarettes the nun said, "Oh! A cigarette dispenser."

The last nun came up to the man and pulled on his penis, and pulled, and pulled then she said, "Oh! A soap dispenser."

evodarren SG

BAD JEEVES

A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.

As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay there, as several of his important clients were there.

As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She looked at him and smiled. "Jeeves," she said. "Take off my dress."

He did this carefully.

"Jeeves," she continued. "Take off my stockings and garter."

He silently obeyed her.

"Jeeves," she then said. "Remove my bra and panties."

As he did this, the tension continued to mount.

She then said, "Jeeves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!" (And what was YOUR dirty mind thinking!)

evodarren SG

SANTA AND THE BLONDE

One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She asks "Santa, will you stay with me?"

Santa says, "Ho Ho Ho I got to go, got to go! I got to deliver these toys to the children, you know!"

She takes off her nightgown, and wearing only a bra and panties, she asks "Santa, now will you stay with me?"

Santa says, "Ho Ho Ho I got to go, got to go! I got to deliver these toys to the children, you know!"

She takes off everything and asks "Santa, now will you stay with me?"

Santa replies "Hey Hey Hey I got to stay, got to stay! I can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"

evodarren SG

EGG IN THE BOX

Never before had Sue looked in the box that her husband Fred kept under their bed. The box had been there for the past 20 years of their marriage but she had never invaded his privacy. One day, while cleaning, she decided to take a look in the box. She didn't figure it was anything he was hiding since she could have looked at it any other time but hadn't. In the box she found 3 eggs and 10 thousand dollars. This seemed very strange so she went to Fred and asked, "Why are there 3 eggs in a box under our bed?"

He replied, "Well, every time I was unfaithful to you, I put an egg in the box."

Sue was surprised and hurt that he had been unfaithful but she consoled herself with the fact that they had been married for over 20 years and he had only been unfaithful 3 times. "But where did the 10 thousand dollars come from?" she asked. "Every time I got a dozen, I sold it."

evodarren SG

TWO PRIESTS GO TO THE BEACH

Two priests are vacationing in Hawaii. They don't want to stand out, so they decide to buy casual clothes. They've just hit the beach in loud Hawaiian print T-shirts and sandals when they spot this hot blonde in a tiny bikini walking their way. As she walks past them, she politely says, "Good afternoon, fathers."

Well, the men are amazed, because they can't understand how the woman knew they were priests. They decide to go out and buy even wilder clothes, so they buy tie-died T-shirts, surfer shorts, and dark sunglasses. The next day, they hit the beach in their wild new clothes, and the same blonde passes them in a string bikini. As she passes, she says, "How do you do, fathers?"

Well, the two priests are really confused, so they ask the blonde, "Excuse me, ma'am. We're not ashamed of being priests, but how in the world did you know who we were?"

The blonde replies "Why, father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Catherine from the convent!"

evodarren SG

MARITAL SEX

A mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe". Mom was puzzled at first, but then went the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop."

Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges". Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra long. King Size".

She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "British Airways". Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for British Airways.

The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."

Mom fainted.

evodarren SG

PARROT

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says:

"The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars". "Why does the parrot cost so much?" the customer asks. The owner says, "Well, it knows how to use a computer."

The customer asks about the next parrot and is told "That one cost 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system."

Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot and is told "That one costs 2,000 dollars." Needless to say this begs the question "What can IT do?" To which the owner replies "To be honest I have never seen it do a thing but the other two call him boss!"

evodarren SG

THE BIG SHAKE-UP

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!

The CEO walks up the guy and asks, "How much money do you make a week?"

Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200 a week. Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy".

evodarren SG

A DOG NAME BREAST

There was this blonde who owns a Dog name Breast. One day the blonde went out, leaving only breast at home.

Moments later a thief broke into her house. The 1st thing the thief did was to go straight to the blonde's room.

Inside her room, he started to take out all the clothes in her closet.

When he found nothing, he went to the kitchen for a drink. Breast saw him and started barking. To stop Breast from barking, he went over and gave Breast a good squeezed. Finishing with that, he went over to the fridge, open it, found a bottle of milk, drank all of it and left.

When the blonde returned, she made a police report on seeing the mess. When the police arrived, they ask for an account on what had happen.

This is what the blonde told them.

"A thief broke in, took off all my clothes, squeezed my breast and drank all my milk."

evodarren SG

CHINA PIGGY BANK

As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex, the husband put his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table.

One night, while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the bank to the floor where it smashed. To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there were handfuls of five and ten dollar bills.

He asks his wife what's up. "Well," she replied, "Not everyone is as cheap as you are."